Rule #34: The Final Chapter

Rule #34: Generally accepted Internet rule that states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject (from urbandictionary.com).

Well, at last, we have come to the end of our journey. In these two searches to disprove/prove Rule #34, Crom first decided to search for MC Escher porno. Now, Dr. Ken had no idea what this would entail, but Crom, for some reason, had some ideas about infinite views of one fornication where you can see other fornication within that one, and so on. It's astounding what this guy can come up with, which is why he was a worthy guest star for this project! Alas, the boys came up empty handed here, but it was a bold artistic shot, so one has to applaud their efforts. As always, be sure to turn off the music player on the right panel before hitting play so that you can hear the moans and growns as well as the clickity-clacks of the keyboard because it just makes it more . . . organic.



Lastly, Dr. Ken decides to search for BBQ porno, and they weren't taking no for an answer on this search. This one clocks in at around 15 minutes or something absurd like that, and the tangents are pretty entertaining. You will hear a reference to "Thick as a Brick" by Jethro Tull (a song of epic length like this podcast), how the boys feel about two men and one girl in a scene (and the danger of crossing the streams), and much, much more. Give it a listen, and if you skip around, they'll understand.


Now, let's break down our totals and see what kind of percentage the boys had at finding porno on the Internet based on subject pulled randomly, on the spot, out of their heads . . .

1. Care Bear Porn: Success

2. Snot Porn: Success

3. Furniture Porn: Success

4. Optimus Prime Porn: Failure

5. Cthulhu Porn: Success

6. Werewolf Porn: Success

7. Wacky Wall Walker (TM) Porn: Failure

8. Meat Tenderizer Porn: Failure

9. Water Slide Porn: Failure

10. Gargoyle Porn: Success

11. MC Escher Porn: Failure

12. BBQ Porn: Success

That made our researchers 7 for 12, roughly 58%

What did we learn? Shit, were we supposed to learn something? Forget that! We had a lot of fun, and we hope you did too. Actually, we hope you had as much fun as those gargoyles seemed to be having.

Overall, Seven Readers, what did you think? Do you have an idea for Dr. Kenneth Noisewater's next podcast? Anyone going to bump these on their ipods on the way to work, perhaps loud enough on the train for other people to hear? Maybe a werewolf orgy will break out? Who knows?

The Frisky Cabbie

Something about me leads people to believe that they can tell me very random and revealing things about themselves, and I wish I knew what it is I was doing to illicit this because I would cease it instantly.

The other day my cab driver (I couldn't place his accent, but he was Caucasian in appearance)and I were exchanging a pleasant conversation, and then it took a turn for the . . . odd.

Dr. Ken: Are you married, Cabbie?

Cabbie: Yeah, 20 years now. Good woman. Good pussy, too.

D.K.: Oh. Congrats.

Cabbie: Yes, I'm 49 and she's 50. I think women get hornier as they get older.

D.K.: That's entirely possible. I haven't dabbled in women quite that long in the tooth. Yet.

Cabbie: Yeah, she's always wanting to have sex. I have to take Viagra to keep up. Have you tried Viagra?

D.K.: Not quite yet. How's it working for you?

Cabbie: It's great! I take one right near the end of my shift, and then I take another right when I get home. Then I'm ready to go, and the next morning, we can do it again!

D.K.: That's fabulous, Cabbie. You ever get one of those woodies that lasts for over four hours?

Cabbie: No.

D.K.: That's good. I don't imagine that's very . . . comfortable. This is my stop.

Cabbie: Okay, buddy. Try that Viagra!

D.K.: I just might. Give my best to The Mrs. You going to pop some pills and rock her world tonight?

Cabbie: You know it!

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Have you ever had a situation like that? How do people get a sense that I'm not easily offended, and in fact, welcome perverted conversations? How about you, Seven Readers? Do you ever run into people telling you goofy stuff like this?

Rule #34, Part 5: Waterslides and Gargoyles Were Meant for One Another

Rule #34: Generally accepted internet rule that states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject (from urbandictionary.com).

These two searches putting this rule to the test provided some great material. Perhaps our hosts, Dr. Ken and Crom, were getting "looser" with the cocktails because they seem to be really on in these two selections. As always, hit pause on the music player to the right to hear the commentary.

First off, Crom decides to do a search for "water slide porn," and while they didn't find any such things on the web, they did find out about "water slide camel toe," which is hilarious in its own right. Also, it seemed like the Internet really didn't like the notion of porno and water slides and combinations there of because everything seemed to crash around this time. However, Dr. Ken and Crom fixed the connection, and they were ready for their next search . . .


. . . which was "gargoyle porn." This was easily the best movie found during this project, and it had very high production value and solid makeup jobs. Those gargoyles were angry and really going to town on that poor gal! This was a tricky one to call because the fellas seemed to be more just statues than gargoyles, and as Crom pointed out, they had no claws or wings. But, because they were painted a statue color, they were on a clock tower, and they were really mean looking, our hosts decided to deem it "gargoyle porn." The idea of providing links to porn is not what this site is all about, but you just have to see this thing to believe it - if you're over 18 that is.


For some reason (cocktails!) the boys lost track of how many searches they had done, so there are a few more searches beyond ten for a total of around twelve or so. Stay tuned, you sick bastards!

Rule #34, Part 4: Dr. Ken and Crom Get Overly Confident

Rule #34: Generally accepted internet rule that states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject (from urbandictionary.com).

For entries 7 and 8, The boys got a little too random with their entries (see below posts for a description of the podcast project if you don't know the idea yet). Oh, and as always, be sure to turn off my awesome music on the player on the right portion of the screen before hitting play on the clips to better hear the astonishing stupidity.


First, Crom opts for Wacky Wall Walker Porn. Dr. Ken had a notion he was onto something strange when he said, "What were those thing called that you got out of the machines at the grocery store . . ." Turns out, the two couldn't find anything on the web involving those classic toys and porn acts. Dr. Ken's notion of whipping a Wall Walker onto a woman's butt for it to crawl down (or perhaps two buts for a race) was intriguing to Crom, but if such a thing exists, these boys were unable to find it on this particular night.


Next, Dr. Ken throws "meat tenderizer porn" into the search engine, and luckily for any participants in such a heinous act, there does not appear to be any of that happening on the World Wide Web. My Beloved Seven Readers, let me make this clear: This is not an invitation to any of you to be the first known person to film such a thing.

Rule #34, Part 3: Tentacles and Werewolves Need Loving Too

Rule #34: Generally accepted internet rule that states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject (from urbandictionary.com).

In this installment of the podcast (go down a few posts to see the concept of this project if you don't know the story) Crom thinks he has an easy one in mind with Cthulhu Porn, but it proved quite challenging to find such a thing. To me, the funniest part of this one is when Crom spots the dude from The Iron Chef in a picture hanging above the bed with the Cthulhu/octopus creature getting it on with some other kind of monster. As always, remember to turn off the music player on the right panel so that you can hear our retarded analysis.






For Dr. Ken's search, he goes with Werewolf porn. The first video we found was just a really hairy guy with some fangs doing it. That's just lazy on the production value and not a convincing werewolf, so we couldn't count that one. It is cute that Dr. Ken cleans up a video's description by saying "getting her p-word f'd." The next video we found was the real deal: real live werewolf screwing. That brought us to 5 out of 6, but somehow our numbers at the time were off. Give us a break; we were drinking at the time.

Rule #34 Part 2: Making Time With Furniture and Horny Robots

Rule #34: Generally accepted internet rule that states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject (from urbandictionary.com).

The next two searches to look into the legitimacy of Rule #34 (see previous post for an explanation) proved just as fun as the first, but we came out of Google search number four with one loss, batting three for four. Remember to turn off the music player to the right before playing the tracks. Enjoy!

First off, Crom wanted to see what was out there in the way of "furniture f'ing." We were losing hope, but then Dr. Ken modified the search and came up with a young Asian woman in a room doing a broom, a chair, and apparently later a piano, somehow. We clicked away in the interest of time after the chair, but I'm a little curious to know how she got freaky with the piano and if she played a song with her . . .


Listen to track one here:


Next, Dr. Ken was curious to see if there was any porno out there with one of his childhood heroes, Transformer leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime. Turns out, we were only able to find a Family Guy clip of him doing it, but Dr. Ken was hoping more for a live action clip of a guy with a costume, even if it was homemade, getting it on. We had to count this as a loss. It was our first taste of defeat, and sadly, it wouldn't be our last . . .

Listen to track 2 here:


What do you think so far, Seven Readers? Remember, after I post all ten clips, I will post a downloadable MP3 of the whole thing so that you can listen to this goofy crap on the train or in the car or wherever you like to listen to weird stuff like this.

Rule #34, Part One

With the first podcast on The Gancer, Crom and myself made each other laugh, so we're going to call that a success. We hope you enjoy our experiment of putting Rule #34 to the test; the rule that states that just about anything you can think of, there is a porno about it somewhere on the sick, sick internet. I'm going to post a couple searches at a time for a total of ten (we made it ten to make our percentages nice and easy). First off, give a listen to our introduction describing this wonderful rule and then us trying out Crom's search for Care Bear Porn. As always, be sure to turn off the music player on the right panel of my blog before hitting play on the MP3's. Enjoy!

Next up, Dr. Ken tries his hand at this rule with "snot porn" coming to his head for some unknown awful reason. This one grossed us both out more than a little, but we forged ahead! We're scientists, after all.







Be sure to tune in for the next two searches, as they're just as wonderfully random and strange as the first two. Yes, things got even stranger after Care Bears and snot . . .

Podcasts

I used to do fun podcasts when I was in a comedy group a couple of years back. It was one of the things I really enjoyed. My buddy, we'll call him Crom, was in the group with me too, and tonight he's coming over to do a quick podcast before we go out to the bars. The problem is, we don't really have a topic, but sometimes those are the best ones. We'll just let it happen organically with some bottles of Budweiser.

Don't you hate your voice on tape? Mine sounds so damned deep for some reason, and not in a sexy way like Barry White. Sometimes I have a thick Chicago accent, not as thick as Crom's though. Other times I sound like a gay surfer or something. If I always sound different, does that mean I'm unsure of myself?

Anyway, I'll post it here on The Gancer for your enjoyment. Anyone have any good topic ideas? Hurry up because Crom is on his way now . . .

I was walking near Lincoln Park in Chicago at around 11pm on a Wednesday with a special lady friend, and we saw a man coming out of the 7-Eleven with a newly purchased cup of coffee; he was talking, no, preaching to himself as he was walking. My ladyfriend seemed scared, but I reassured her that we'd be okay, as I know this guy to be totally harmless. Yes, he preaches insane messages that actually sound a little interesting, but while he talks loud enough to draw a crowd, he never looks anyone dead in the face, so there's no fear that he will try to lure you back to his poisoned Kool-Aid fun house of horrors. He appears to be around 50-years-old, and his long graying blond hair flows in the Chicago winds as he preaches to no one in particular. What's great too is that he never asks for money; he just wants to be heard, or not. Maybe he doesn't want to be heard because then he'd look you in the eye, but thank God he doesn't because I don't like when crazies look me directly in the eyes.

Now, there is a guy downtown who appears to be a Nation of Islam type black fella with a bow tie and a microphone, and I don't care for him as much because he just tells me all the things that will make me go to hell, such as homosexuality and cigarettes (luckily I've only dabbled with one of those). He was mentioned years ago in my old Chicago blogging crew, The Liars Club, in our 15 Chicagoans You Shouldn't Know post. Blond preacher guy kind of looks like Edgar Winter, he always preaches while he walks, never stopping with the walking or preaching, it seems, and his rants sound like they'd be kind of engaging if I was on his level of caffeine and schizophrenia.

Actually, the next time I see this guy, I'm going to initiate some eye contact, buy him a coffee, and see what he's all about. What's the worst that can happen? Nah. I'll just keep looking away. It's just easier and safer than taking on a nut-job project like that. Screw it.

And now I bring you, me making fun of the first few Facebook updates of my "friends" on Facebook who I'm pretty sure will never read this blog. That's really terrible to do to people who are my "friends," but I can't think of anything to write about, so here goes . . .

1. "Ohhhhmygoodness just 2 more weeks of night class, I Can NOT wait! No more missing Gossip Girl & 90210! Lol ;)"
4 minutes ago

I guess some of them I don't need to make fun of; I can just put it out there like that. Geez, this is mean because she's a nice girl; just bad taste in television. Okay, let's try another . . .

2. "Should I have a beer or not????"
6 minutes ago

Well, considering I worked with this woman, and there was more than one occassion where she went to company parties and didn't show the next day, I'd say NO! That's not a bad thing, but sometimes calling out last minute could really screw us at that job, and when we all know it's because of a hangover, that's annoying. To be fair, we all did our job hungover at least a few days a week back then. Suck it up! As for my advice to her if I cared to comment, I'd actually say go ahead and have one, but don't let it turn into 10 and call out tomorrow, screwing over your coworkers. Should I comment that? Nah, I'll just silently bash her on my blog that nobody reads.

3. "when u gotta good thing dont take it for granted...cause there is always someone else that wont take it for granted..u just may loose it..AND I PROMISE U WILL REGRET it...so cherish and love it like there is nothing else like it..EVERYDAY!"
About an hour ago

This is a person who posts about nine times a day, and it's either motivational crappola like this, which was actually kind of confusing, or it's random updates about her life, especially her workouts. Do I give a fiddler's fuck if you shredded your abs one day or did shoulders on another? Who in the hell cares, lady!? Surprisingly, she gets around 30 comments per update, so someone actually wastes their own lives reading and responding to that sort of thing. I don't comment myself, but I do take time out of my day to rip on her on my blog like an asshole, even poking fun at her spelling (it's lose not loose). I should be shot for this, but I just have to get through two more to make it a top five . . .

4. i CAN NOT win...i tell ya~geesh! life: y dont u add on more frusteration..
8 hours ago

Okay, that's the same person as number three. I feel bad making fun of a second one, but come on! You know, it does put a squiggly line under a word when it's spelled wrong, so you can take the extra time to try a few spellings until it goes away. Lord knows you have the time if you're updating 9 times a day. Sorry, but that sort of thing just causes me a world of "frusteration."

5. Puppy training, day #1 went well!
4 minutes ago

I found a lot of updates more stupid than this one, but I was having a hard time finding more people that I wouldn't feel bad talking about. This asshole, I have no problem talking about because all he does is stab people in the back and talk smack. I'd really like to drop him as a friend on Facebook because he's the kind of butthole to use something against you for no reason at all - he does stuff like that all the time. It's a good thing I have been behaving with my updates, keeping them about mundane things like the last one - how hard it is to hit the skip button when Hall and Oats comes on. Actually, that's kind of a lame one. I'd probably make fun of me too.

What do you think, Seven Readers? Was this the meanest most petty post I've ever done, or is this something that should be done for the good of mankind?