Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I Wanted To Tell You Some Things That Happened on the West Side Today . . .


. . . but I'm so damn mad about The Bulls losing that all I can remember are these things.

1. We were talking about "First 48," and this coworker of mine, Big Ron, said that he'd like to watch, but he can't stop watching that show where they "wrastle" alligators. That one dude on there, who is "country as hell" by Big Ron's estimation, looked in the fridge, saw there was nothing to eat, and decided he had better step out to shoot a squirrel, coon, or possum. Would you all eat a possum? I don't know - anything with a tail like a rat . . .

2. Big Ron was then talking about Oprah, and he makes a point that a lot of people have done a great deal of charity - they just don't have a public forum every day to showcase it. According to Ron, Bill Cosby put loads of kids in the south through college and Michael Jackson walked into a hospital somewhere and paid for a bunch of surgeries - he just didn't have a talk show to let everyone know that he got his awesomeness on that day. Good point. Big Ron also thought he should have been on the Oprah show because he was a "battered man" due to the fact that his sisters "beat the shit" out of him all the time.

3. Later, Big Ron asked everyone what they were doing for Memorial Day Weekend because he was looking to BBQ. One gal said she was having a party on the South Side, so he said, "Cool. Do you want me to bring the charcoal or lighter fluid?" She said, "Shoot, you could bring some steaks or something," To which the quite brilliant Big Ron responded, "That's a little out of my price range. I gave you the two items I'm willing to bring, and without them, you got no fire."

I can learn a lot from Big Ron, and I hope you can too, Seven Readers.

7 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

There was a rumour that Britney Spears ate squirrel. No one should eat raccoon, their faces are too cute.

radioactive girl said...

I think when someone does something nice for someone else and then tells everyone about it to get credit for it, it should kind of cancel out that good deed. Like they got one point for the good deed but then lost it for making sure everyone knew about it. I prefer to do nice things for people and not tell anyone but whoever it is I did it for, and sometimes not even tell the person. I mean I guess Oprah can use it to push other people into being more generous so maybe it is good but I really dislike Oprah so my opinion on this may also need to be cancelled out.

JerseySjov said...

my favorite thing about the whole oprah empire is her "favorite things" page in the magazine. $600 linen napkins? $40 saltwater taffy? Oprah loves it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Yeah? She was a redneck, right? I guess that settles it. Thanks for the information, Gorilla. Would you still be a fan of hers if she ate monkey?

Radio: Right! Like when you sent me brownies, you just did it because. Oh, I just gave you credit. Oh well, you deserve it.

Jov: Yes! Battered women need expensive taffy and fast!

Anroo said...

I feel like you need to update us on the words of wisdom Big Ron provides on the regular.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I wouldn't say I was a fan of Britney, but I feel a certain amount of sympathy for her. I'd be disappointed if she ate monkey, but chimpanzees eat monkey, so I wouldn't shun her for it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Anroo: Yes. That guy drops knowledge. And science.

GB: Not shunning but disappointed is the perfect answer. Did Indiana Jones eat the monkey brain soup.