Sunday, March 14, 2010

For Old Time's Sake

If you look back at some of my posts a few years back, you will likely come across a blog about me going out drinking, talking loud and drawing a crowd because I did that a lot in those days. Now that I have a serious girlfriend and have grown up a bit, I don't often do that anymore, nor do I write about it.

But, last night was a celebration for St. Patrick's Day and Gancey Girlfriend's birhday, and as a result, it was a throwback to my latent frat boy period. You have to understand, St. Patty's Saturday in Chicago is just insane. People fill up the bars at 9AM. We were slackers, starting our boozing around 1:30PM. My plan was to drink one whiskey on the rocks an hour, and just sip it slowly, so that I could pace myself for the long haul. At around 4PM, Gancey Girlfriend pulled me aside to let me know that it wasn't working out because I was already kind of lit. I made the switch to beer, and I'm not going to tell you that it slowed me down any.

Whenever you go out in big groups, there are always bar changes where folks get split up. We did this a few times, and one time, just as we got to a bar, we got a text that the girls had already gone to a different one so that they could dance. Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP)* said, "Jeez, this is like Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego!

It was the dancing bar where things got a little hazy and crazy.** For whatever reason, this bar which shall remain nameless seems to lead the nation in asshole guys hitting on other guys' girlfriends because it was going down left-and-right. I had to intervene with one guy who apparently, I didn't see this, balled up his fist like he was threatening to punch Gancey Girlfriend. What astounded me is that when I said, "Yeah, that's my girlfriend, so you can go away now," he didn't. He kept saying stuff to me that I either can't remember or couldn't hear, and I kept saying increasingly louder and more frustrated, "Just go away!" He eventually did, and he was thrown out.

What seemed like moments later, but it could have been hours later, another butthole was chatting up my lady while she was clear to him that she didn't want him around. I saw his arm go around her wais, and I just lost it. I talked to him, and basically had the same conversation I had with the last guy, only this one was worse compounded by these 2 simple facts:
1. I had just had this conversation with another a-hole, so I was really frustrated
2. This guy was twice the doucher that the last guy was.

It was a conversation about like this:

Dr. Ken: Sir, that's my lady, so this would be an excellent time for you to fuck off.
Doucher: (something rude with a mean, rude face)
Dr. Ken: Just go away.
Doucher: (Still being rude despite the fact that he's in the wrong.
Dr. Ken: What is it with these people? GO AWAY!!
Doucher: (Still being a turd, saying something assholish, despite the fact that, again, this guy doesn't have a leg to stand on)
Dr. Ken: Just go away
Doucher: Turd, turd, turd. I'm a turd.
Dr. Ken: Just go away
Doucher: Call me Turd Furgusen***
Dr. Ken: Let's step outside
Doucher: Sure.

Now, let me remind you that Dr. Ken's fighting record is 0-0-0. I have never been in a fight, nor do I have any idea how to fight. If I got in a scrap, I'd probably try some mixed martial arts moves that I saw on Spike the night before, and I'd undoubtably take an ass whipping that would likely lead to drinking through a straw and some reconstructive surgery on my big Swedish face. The second I said the words "let's step outside," I thought to myself, "Why the hell did I just say that? I don't know thing one about fighting," but I wouldn't have to fight on this night. A security guy came and grabbed Doucher, just Doucher, and walked him to the door. No one even laid a hand on me, so someone must have tipped off security, like someone had to remove the last jerk.

The life of a man dating a woman most people would agree is out of his league looks-wise is not an easy one, so it's good to know another place I need to stay out of, and this is one such place - so full of unbelievable uncompromising assholes. I was glad I was able to share with you this tale of drunken bafoonery, and I hope you were entertained. However, I need to grow up a little and leave the hazy and crazy (love that line!) posts to the college kids like Jerseyjov. She's a good writer, especially for how young she is. Check her out. Me, I'm going to go back to a mild mannered life and post boring stuff about the grocery store.
*HLP, if you're reading this, it would be a great time to click the link and check out all the blog posts in which you come up!
**Just made that up. I rather like it.
***I have no idea what he was actually saying because I was lit, it was loud, and I was cutting him off and telling him to go away from us. If he had really said the Turd Furgusen thing, I would have probably had a laugh and bought Doucher a drink.


JerseySjov said...

yikes, mad ups for sticking up for your lady, but i'm glad you didn't get your face broken!

thanks for the compliment and the link to my blog! :) of course my last post is a wicked depressed series of thoughts about the awful instability of the crazy/hazy lifestyle, probably not what anyone who clicks on through will be expecting.
then again if they keep scrolling they'll see a picture of me in my drawers, so i guess not a total downer.

my word verification is "rumar" isn't that bruce willis' daughter's name?

tnobes said...

'Doucher', nice.

Heff said...

I feel your pain. I can't take Donna to a bar unless I'm armed to the hilt, which is EXACTLY why I built a bar at home, lol !!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

1. Had to fight them off with a stick. I talked to a friend who was a little more sober than I, and I guess there were at least 4 that wouldn't leave.
2. Depressing posts have to be done sometimes. It's cathartic.
3. Don't they have a Scout too?

Nobes: DOUCHER! You should be glad you got out when you did.

Heff: That's a great idea. Yout got a place to drink and Buttlik has a place to perform.

Anonymous said...

I felt your pain and frustration all throughout this post man. I was also out with the gf on Saturday night and you're right man, the Douchiest of the Douchiest were out for St Patty's festivities. It was insane. Good job on sticking up for your lady. Next time holla at me, I got your back.

Casey said...

I am not a brawler anymore*, but I recommend that at least one time in your life, you unload a hard right into someone's jaw, even if it costs you a beat down. It's better than sex.

Well, except the sex with the girl who acted (really well) like she was mad about something and slapped me hard in the face as foreplay.

But yes, very attractive women are a complication and delight simultaneously.

*Lately, I've been one crosswise comment about the ancient Cream vs. Led Zeppelin debate from knocking some teeth out.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Blame: Okay. I got your back to, if you need an angry guy with no idea how to throw a punch.

Casey: That slapping one sounds like fun! Has there ever been a Cream VS Zeppelin debate? I mean, Cream only had like 3 albums with some awesome songs and some dorky ones (mostly because Jack Bruce had a crummy voice), and Zeppelin had about 6 near perfect albums in a row.

Both bands were talented white British guys who could play the blues really well, but I have to see that Zeppelin tried more directions musically and succeeded in being awesome in every direction.

Casey said...


You obviously know nothing.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Casey: How do you figure? If we were talking rocks and things, I'd say that you're the authority, but if we're talking rock MUSIC, I have to say that you're "out of your element."