This phone call may or may not have happened the other day.
Susan from Visa: Is this Dr. Kenneth Noisewater?
Dr. Ken: You bet your ass.
Susan: Uh. Okay. I'm calling to check if there has been some fraud or theft involved with your account.
Dr. Ken: Oh snap! I hope not.
Susan: Let me just review some purchases with you. Did you spend $500 at Bill's Furniture Emporium today?
Dr. Ken: Yes. That one was me.
Susan: How about another one in the amount of $145.56 at Sears.
Dr. Ken: Yup. Me again. Bought me a new air conditioner.
Susan: Okay, good. Lastly, how about $125.70 at Target?
Dr. Ken: All me. Had to get a bunch of stuff for the new apartment, toasters and the like.
Susan: Well, good to know. Just wanted to be sure because it didn't match your usual patterns.
Dr. Ken: My patterns?
Susan: Yes. Our system finds things that are not in line with how you usually spend. You see, Dr. Noisewater, you usually only spend over $100 at places that appear to be bars, usually on Friday and Saturday nights.
Dr. Ken: Yeah. I'm working on that, Susan. I have a lot of demons, you see.
Susan: Sorry to hear that, Dr. Noisewater. Seems like your demons get the best of you in a similar patter, often times Duffy's for $100 and then another $100 at The Liars Club in the same night.
Dr. Ken: Okay, Susan! I said I'm working on it.
Susan: Very good. Well, anything else I can help you with?
Dr. Ken: No, I'm okay. You seem nice. You want to get a drink sometime?
Susan: That's against our policy over here at Visa.
Dr. Ken: I understand. Well, if you're ever in Chicago, you know how to find me. You know my "patterns," after all.