Thursday, June 28, 2012

So, You've Decided To Go To the Gym Drunk . . .

Here are some things to keep in mind . . .

1. Don't attempt as much weight as you ordinarily would, as you'll find your equillibrium will be slightly off, or really off, depending on how many "pops" you have had.  I damn near tipped over tonight attempting some decline dumbbell presses.  I am a bit of a dumbbell.  Drunkbell, as it were.

2. Keep your small talk with staff and other patrons to a minimum.  I didn't have my gym card on me, so he had to pull me up in the system with my driver's license.  He pointed out that it says I was born in 1901 in their system, to which I said, "Yeah, that Civil War was a bitch."  He pointed out that I would have been born after that, so I said, "Right, World War 2.  Would have been too young for the first one."  Good recovery!  Did I ever tell you that I majored in history in undergrad?

3. Now, I know you're lubed up, but really try hard not to start singing along to your iPod.  Even if you let a little eek out, it will quickly turn to belting it out like Whitney Houston at the Super Bowl if you're not careful.

That's all I can think of tonight.  It's been a long night of drinking and lifting stuff, trying not to drop weight on my nuts.  Can you think of any more tips, readers?

10 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Don't try to make love to any of the exercise machines.

You were born in the same year as Ed Sullivan and the Emperor Hirohito, who both thought the Rolling Stones were vulgar. Did anyone born in 1901 like the Rolling Stones? That's the question I suddenly want answered.

artista sem pena said...

Don't do many sit ups or else you might puke!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Did you look that up or know that they were born that year? Sullivan did make the Stones change their lyrics on the show, which they did. He tried that with The Doors but Jimbo just did it his way, which is why he is the best rock star of all time. Wait, wasn't Keith Richards borin in 1901, or does he just look like it?

Artista: Thanks for coming by, sir. Also, if someone is holding your feet, you may puke on him. Farts are for sure going to be all over him.

Kage said...

personally i can't think of anything sweeter than watching your drunk ass fall all over the gym. as in, could you pleeeeeeeeease take a video next time?

sybil law said...

My tip - drinking and gyms don't mix - stay home or go to the bar.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

kage: my bad. i'm sure i'm on their video system and they were laughing at me.

sybil: yeah. it wasn't wise, but now i'm glad cuz no workout today and probably none tomorrow with my work schedule.

Mr. Shife said...

You should have rocked some yoga pants and hit a Zumba class. Or maybe hop on one of the stationary bikes and pretend you are racing Lance Armstrong. I still would like to know why you hit the gym after a few pops. Doesn't sound like a good time to me but you are the Doctor.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

yes. i am the doctor. don't question my methods. damn it.

Michael5000 said...

Sound advice under a fine title.

Alternative Born-in-1901 comeback: "I meant the Russian Civil War, of course. Like so many who fought with the Whites, I became an emigre after the Bolshies prevailed." You could have TOTALLY pulled it off if you'd used an awesome Russian accent, which I bet would come natural if you were sufficiently tanked.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

5000: Yes. I do a good Russian accent, but like everyone else, I just talk like Boris and Natasha.