Hot Ugly People

The last two nights I have watched like 9 episodes of "Prisoners of War," a series from Israel that was later adapted for America as Showtime's "Homeland."  I guess when things aren't going your way, watching a show about guys being tortured in captivity for 17 years kind of puts things in perspective.

One of the characters who is released and comes back to his family after all those years learns that he has a slutty but loveable daughter who is obsessed with meeting old dudes on the internet and sleeping with them.  She is played by an incredible actress who is pretty odd looking yet incredibly hot because you just like the character so much.  It might be that she blurts things out that make those around her uncomfortable that I find endearing.

She looks prettier than usual here and even more Alanis Morissette.

Anyway, can you think of anyone who is decidedly funny looking yet still hot, male or female?  I will spot you a hey day Ellen Barkin . . . 

Aren't they doing something backwards in the bottom left?  That's trying to put an inny in an inny.  

I was driving home late tonight from an Oscar party at The Uncle's place, and an odd fellow was crossing the street in front of me.  It is a freezing Chicago night, yet he had on no coat, just a white turtleneck.  He was listening to headphones and looked very, very drunk.  Then he started stretching his arms out and looked as if he was psyching himself up for something big.  Sure enough, he started skipping.  Next he turned a couple of cartwheels!  This guy was on something really good.  By the looks of it, his Oscar party was better than mine. 

A to Z Farts

Well, the last blog was about pooping, and I'm sorry to say that this one is about farting.  Now, without thinking about each letter for more than a few seconds, I give you every type of fart from A to Z.

A - Aroma therapy fart
B - Barrage of farts
C - Chimichanga fart
D - Dangerous fart
E - Effervescing fart
F - Full blast fart
G - Gorgeous fart
H - Helluva fart
I - Impossibly bad fart
J - Joyous fart
K - Kissed by a fart
L - Lackluster fart
M - Mediocre fart (seem to be hitting the run of the mill farts around here)
N - Napalm strike fart
O - Omnipotent farting
P - Perennial
Q - Quit farting already fart!
R - Relaxed fart
S - Sharting fart (or perhaps the snart, when you sneeze and a fart eeks out - Thank you, Chudd).
T - Treacherous fart
U - Unmistakably a fart
V - Vicious fart
W - Wasn't a fart at all.  Must have been the leather couch cushion .
X - X-men fart (mutant power farts)
Y - Yes, that was my fart.
Z - Zangief holding you down and farting on you fart.

"Ref!  Help!  Can he do that?"

Your mission, readers, if you choose to accept it, is to take one of these types of farts and describe it in detail.  That or just say what an idiot I am or whatever else you wanna say.  

High Dive. Bomb's Away!!

If you have been reading this thing for a while, you know that I don't hide from you the fact that I drink and make bad decisions.  This started at an early age.  I was by my mom and dad's house yesterday, and when I drove past the private pool around the corner from them, I said to myself, "Oh yeah, that's the pool I used to break into for a swim at 2AM when I was drunk."  Now, that sounds like something a lot of kids do, but alone?  That's just weird.  And even worse is that I took dumps in the pool, which is just thoughtless because someone would have to start their morning cleaning up the dump that I should have taken in a perfectly good toilet.  One step worse is that I pooped off the high dive, which is a challenge to dangle your butt off the edge, twenty feet in the air, and then jump over your own poop.  I was more agile in those days but just as stupid. 

Someone found it.

I wish I could say I have grown up a lot since then.  I have, but it has taken a long, long time.  This Friday I didn't go out drinking at all, and then Saturday I got tired and went home early (for me), and I feel pretty good; might even make it to the gym, where I will swim and not poop. 

I'm MC'ing my buddy Choo-Choo's karaoke birthday party at a bar around the corner, and I'm oddly excited about it.  People often ask me to do stuff like this, so I guess I'm just good at being a great big loudmouth.  The key to this one is just doing the nudey bar DJ voice all night long, "All right, give it up for Lace on the main stage!"  It works for all kinds of events, garage sales, church bingo . . .

To be honest, Choo-Choo is a quality human being and I'm glad I know him so anything I can do to help is not a problem.  Also, it is customary for the karaoke DJ to sing the first song when no one has signed up yet.  I'll sing whichever one I like the best out of the comments submitted by you all, my beloved 7 readers.

This video is what it's all about.  She passes out in the middle of her "performance."

Gawking Gung Ho

I was out with some coworkers the other night, and Gung Ho was saying how there is a woman we work with who always covers up her chest when she talks to him, either adjusting a scarf, pulling a shirt closed, or what have you.  He says this is because he is often caught inadvertently staring at her boobs.  Later we got talking about a coworker with unfortunate dental work who recently paid big money to get them fixed.  Gung Ho was describing how they were before, and he was able to describe perfectly in which direction each tooth faced.  We were all laughing, wondering just how closely he was looking, and he said that the guy often covered up his mouth when talking to Gung Ho.

If anyone out there has interesting teeth and a big chest, she will have to keep very busy covering up when talking to good old Gung Ho . . .

"I'll drink to those, I mean that."

I Was Looking Over My Text Messages Today . . .

. . . and I saw one from Saturday night that read "Look to your left.  Matching sushi shirts."

My sister and I were out for sushi at a nice bring your own wine place enjoying a cool and crisp chardonnay (any cheap Chard' tastes like butter to me), and sure enough, to my left were a pair of nerdy twenty-somethings with matching shirts with pictures of sushi on them that read "That's how I roll."  She texted me this information because didn't want to say it out loud because they were one foot away from us.  We had a hard time not laughing, and I had to run off to the bathroom because it was just so damned goofy.

When their order came I saw that the shirts didn't lie because they had in front of them more sushi than any two humans should be able to consume in one sitting.  I texted my sister back, "We should have asked them what they got before we ordered because they God damned professionals."  

We had a good time.  I love weirdos.  Takes one to know one, I suppose.  

The Special Shower Convo's

We all nab the handicapped bathroom even when there are other vacant options because everyone likes a little more spacious area when you're doing your thing, and maybe even a couple of coat hooks to get really comfortable.  However, when I was in a hurry to shower up before a swim at the gym and the handicapped shower (the one with the chair) was the only one left, now that's one I can't do.  

A guy could really spend some QT in there.

This location of my gym has shower doors that only go up to your shoulders so you can see the busts of people showering across from you, and that is just weird.  What was even weirder was when two slightly overweight men saddle up next to each other in the handicapped shower, not to shower but to have a conversation, now that is just plain dumbfounding and kind of draws a crowd. I couldn't make out much of what was being said but they were both very serious and the word leadership was used more than once.  While I was getting out of the water after my swim, the same two guys went walking past me continuing to discuss their opinions about leadership, probably after taking a jacuzzi together.  

They were serious men.  I guess that's while I'll always be a follower and they'll be leaders.  And I'll be showering alone and they'll be showering each other.

"I don't always shower with men, but when I do, I drink Hamm's"

Godforsaken Updates . . .

- I had way too much to drink Friday and Saturday, and then I had some more on Superbowl Sunday.  That 3rd day in a row is always the one that catches up with you during the work week, and I know this, but you're not not going to drink for the Superbowl, right?  They need to move that darn game to a Saturday.  I was over at my sister's place and her piss poor neighbors all went home at halftime, and I started falling asleep after 4 or 5 Guinness.  Then her really fun neighbor came over with a bottle of Mike Ditka wine, so I had to try some wine made by "Da Coach."  I didn't have to drink from the next bottle of wine opened, but I did.

- I'm going to Austin, Texas later this month for the first time with LSD, who is finishing up school out in Los Angeles, in case you're a new reader or forgot.  We get together once a month in one of our cities or a neutral one, and this is one I'm really excited about.  The really fun neighbor I mentioned a minute ago heard that I was going there and said, "Ooh!  That's where they have all the bats!"  She is convinced that it is a city overrun with wild bats.  You would think I would have heard about that by now . . .

- My sister and I made fun of her, but it turns out she's right.  Just look at all those bats!