Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dear Doctor Part One

I asked readers to send me their problems, preferably sexual ones, and I found this very interesting quandary in my inbox.  Warning: The nature of this letter is a little graphic, and my response, while I believe to be sound advice, is also a little explicit. 

Dear Doctor,

My boyfriend likes to do vaginal "fisting" with me, which is putting his entire hand up inside my pussy. We both reach another state of consciousness when he does this, so we really enjoy it. He uses a latex glove and lubricant so his hand will fit all the way up my c-word* without a lot of struggling. But after he does this, I notice his latex glove has blood on it when he takes his hand out of my pussy. And my c-word** is sore for a good week after fisting. Is it safe for him to fist my pussy even though there's blood and pain when he's done? We don't want to give up fisting because we get such a high off of it, however, it concerns me that he could be damaging my pussy.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

*Only she really used the "c-word."
**And again here.    
 -------------------------------------------

Dear Two Pickets to Fisttburgh,

This certainly is problem.  On the one hand, you have bleeding, tearing, and possibly damage to your vagina that could last a lifetime.  On the other side, the two of you are somehow achieving an altered state of consciousness through your fisting love, and this is simply too important a discovery to quit now.  You mentioned that you are sore for a week after, so perhaps the two of you can experiment with achieving nirvana on earth just once a week.  

It's possible, however unlikely, that the union of his fist and your cooter have created a flux capacitor.  Now it's just a matter of fisting while traveling at 88 miles an hour, and then maybe you could do what I thought until now was impossible: fisting time travel!  I know, this sounds dangerous, so I do advise that you have a friend do the driving for the two of you.  As for the lubricants and latex gloves that you mentioned, I think those will make the experience less organic, so better leave those at home when you embark on your time travel journey.  Good luck, and on behalf of all my readers and anyone who supports the sciences, we thank you.

P.S. Try not to change anything in the past when you travel through time, as this can have disastrous affects upon the future.  For example, the very sight of the two of you fisting away like that in any time period is pretty memorable and possibly traumatic to people in just about any time period, so you might want to pick a remote location to when you attempt fisting time travel.   

 

9 comments:

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I umm....was thinking...ummm...because really....ummm..... Hell, I forgot what I was gonna say.

I just keep thinking about the Grand Canyon.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Candy: Sorry, this one was a little gross. I just hope everyone isn't at a loss for words. Yeah, I bet this poor gal's business looks a lot like the Grand Canyon . . .

Dr Zibbs said...

Fisting. *shakes head*

Heff said...

Dear Doctor Kenneth Noisewater,

I just came ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE after reading that letter. Can you recommend a quality sanitary cleanser ?

- Heff.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Is sounds more like The Black Hole of Calcutta than the Grand Canyon. Unless she's getting herself in shape for smuggling ostrich eggs, I'd recommend LSD as a safer way of altering her state of consciousness.

BamaTrav said...

I've done numerous studies on the art of "fisting" and found that an alternative to having a "single" fist shoved up the baby box is to have multiple pipes shoved up the "love canal" until said vagina is swollen. It may take several several pipes and perhaps hours to achieve and with the latex condoms, she will at least have the sensation that it's really a playtex. However, studies also find that this practice MAY produce a cavernous vagina in which the only plausable "fix" is to shove additional pipes into the fart box. Aside from that, I suggest shoving a ham in it and pulling the bone out.

Signed - BamaTrav

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Zibbs: Sorry to gross you out. I thought a fellow doctor would be okay with all that medical lingo. : )

Heff: What a compliment! That's a satisfied customer! The proof is in the pudding, so to speak.

Gorilla: Ostrich eggs! Now there's a challenge, and without cracking it, of course.

Bama: Thanks for coming by. I think we're going to get along just fine. That ham trick sounds really crazy and fun at parties.

V said...

Hahahaa! Seriously this is epic and a bit gross but still epic. I have so much fun reading your posts.
The C-word. HAHAHAHA!!!

Kenneth Noisewater said...

V: Thanks, man! I have to put you back on the blogroll. You were off the grid for a while so I took you off.