Sunday, October 17, 2010

Can a Boob Lover Change His Ways?

Gosh, I hope so. I'm not a boob man by choice; I inherited it. My dad is the only bigger fan of mammarian protuberances than myself that I know. I really do think that it's been a lifelong thing for me, ever since my first uncomfortable woody that came at the hands of some big booby girl on "The Benny Hill Show." I was sitting on the carpet watching with the family, and I remember being scared that something was wrong with me, and I had to get up and leave the room with an awkward gait, pushing my little (at the time) business downward. Damn you, Benny and your fast motion boob women and the little old guy patting everyone on their heads! And damn you boobs in general!



I don't want to like them so much. I really don't. My brain knows that they're nothing more than fleshy mounds of fat, so in the grand scheme of things, they shouldn't be a deciding factor in how I choose my mate. Sense of humor, intelligence, a good conversationalist, and being a good human being are way higher on my list, but when I come face-to-face (or face to nipple(s)) with a nice set, the whole organizational chart of my criteria shifts dramatically. And that's just wrong, right?

I even try to literally ween myself off of them, tricking my brain by watching . . . movies of women with not so big "thingies," but I always end up . . . finishing up with some buxom, coked up "actress." Again I say damn you, titty women! I don't want to like you anymore. Your giant chests cloud my judgment and throw my priorities all out of whack. I want to meet the woman who stimulates my mind and makes me laugh every day, not just a woman who fills out a sweater really well. I'd like to say I could get both in one, but we all know that's a pipe dream; just isn't happening. That's like chasing the "white whale."

How about you, Seven Readers? Do you like something in a mate that you wish you didn't?

11 comments:

Andrew said...

Ah. Christina Hendricks & her "talents." They really are something to behold.

I dunno. The best thing to happen to me because of boobs are when I drunkenly squeezed two co-workers' titties at a bowling party & I bowled a strike. My friend Alexis then gave me a lecture about being a respectable gentleman & not behaving that way while drunk. Then she got pregnant a few months later.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Andrew: Ha! Then she got pregnant. That's awesome.

Andrew said...

Yeah, that's a fun story for Facebook chat.

P.S. the baby turns 1 tomorrow. He's so cute!

Heff said...

I too was born Big Breast-Obsessed. There's really nothing we can do but live with the affliction, and make the breast of it. I mean...Yeah....

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Andrew: Yes. I'll be needing to hear the rest of that story.

Heff: I had a pretty good idea you were a man of the boob. Is/Was your dad that way too, just for my research purposes?

Heff said...

Just me. I hope that helps.

Athena said...

red-headed men with goatees. God help me, they are my terrible weakness.

Miss Organizized said...

I kid you not, on my BF and my first date I drunkenly said to him: "I may not have it all up here, but I'm all good back here" as I slapped my own ass. I'm lucky he's an ass-man, which could be one of the main reasons we're together today! Meanwhile I had a beard fetish for a long time and my boyfriend is beardalicious. I say you should hold out for your boobalicious lady!! Boobs and Brains exist out there. Look at Joan! ;)

Anonymous said...

i love this post , its so honest. I think so long as you tell the girls that you are dating upfront. You love boobs and you will want to jump from one set of boob to another until you exhaust all boobs on this planet, its all cool. nothing wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

As a woman of thought who also sports a bodacious rack (and will appear only anonymously for commenting: I've never understood their power but I do appreciate it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heff: Thanks. I'm entering the data now.

Athena: Hmmm. I'm picturing the Grey's Anatomy guy who's doing the Asian.

Miss O: I think you had him with the booty slap.

Anon: Yes. They do have a damn superpower. Those God forsaken things . . .