Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dr. Bill

I met a guy named Doctor Bill last night at a fundraiser, and he sucked. Actually, Bill wasn't his real name, but it was Doctor and then his first name- and that's how he introduces himself and others introduce him to others. Again, he sucks.

The doctor was introduced to me by a ladyfriend who's friend organized the fundraiser. This friend actually brought this nimrod from across the bar, and said, "Have you two met Dr. Bill?" Now, the ladyfriend and I are new in our relationship, where talking to each other is still very exciting, and getting stuck with this d-bag was not a place we wanted anything to do with. Let me just tell you, oh my seven readers, this butthole just talked and talked without taking a breath, and let me just tell you about what he looked like.

He was a man of around 5'6" in height, he had a big belly, a shirt and tie with his pants jacked up above his navel and his cell phone fastened to his belt (I hate that move). I think I asked him what he did for a living, and then he pretty much talked "at" us for the next half hour. He is a, and I'm going to change the name of this too, Meccaphysiologist, and he believes that we can control the universe, kind of like Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars. Because he finds that most anyone would agree that the universe was created by something we can't fully understand through science, and because things in the world like the atom are perfect - not accidental but designed a certain way, he thinks that nothing in the world is coincidence. He goes as far as to say that every time you hope someone will call you on the phone, and then they do, that you actually willed them to call. He then told two very boring stories about needing people to call him because he didn't have their number, so he'd say, "Jill, call me. Jill, call me" for around 5 minutes, and they called! Wow! Is that how he meets women? He does Jedi mind tricks on them? He was chatting some up later . . .

I asked him if he thought that maybe I had an impact on the Northwestern VS Michigan State game because right when I turned the game on, The Wildcats stopped doing anything right. This happens to me a lot, so I asked if maybe I'm a jinks. He could not confirm or deny that, but he did say that if I live my life thinking things like I'm a jinks, then it will be more likely to come true. That's kind of true, actually . . .

Ladyfriend does not have the patience, poker face, active listening skills, or general interest in weirdos that I possess, so he was distancing himself from her and zeroing in on me. Right when I thought he might invite me to a seminar or throw me into the back of an unmarked van, I said, "You know, Dr. Bill, I think I might mosey on over to the other end of the room and try out some of those meatballs I've been hearing about." Ladyfriend met me over by the meatballs, and we both fell out laughing. I still plan on paying back her friend for sticking us with that odd duck, but at least I got a blog post out of it.

How about you all, Seven Readers? Can you tell us about a time you got caught talking to someone God awful?

13 comments:

Heff said...

Only right now, LOL !

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heff: Nice job, Heff. Zing! I know this post was long, but that was the idea! To give you a sense of what it was like to talk to this cat . . . No, that's not true. It was just a long, boring post.

Andrew said...

Burn.

Well considering I am a magnet for suck, this could occur at any point on a daily basis. Such as my last post from yesterday with the Mexican. Or this girl from undergrad who is one of the most difficult people to describe but I was always nice to so she clung to me at times & sent me a Christmas card in March this year. Or this guy in college everyone called "Killa Mike" who had the most dead expression on his face & spoke with a speech impediment. He always hugged me & I stopped hugging back but yet he KEPT DOING IT. Creeper.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Andrew: I like Killa Mike's style. I'd hug him back, I think.

radioactive girl said...

I went to a party once and a neighbor I do like but who is the most boring person on the planet cornered me and talked to me for a really long time before a different neighbor saved me. She talked about training her dog and how difficult it was and on and on and on until I wanted to stab my ears out with the pencil I was holding. I have a dog too but I don't corner people at parties and talk about her for hours.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

sometims I get people tht want to talk to me and it's like I send vibes like..."come talk to me I'm a good listener." cause I'm not unless it's an interesting talker/person.

I usually tell people I don't have time to listen or do general talk at that moment. And if the subject is boring...I can't help but say it. I say..."okay that's boring. what else do you have to talk about?"

I'm more like your friend...showing no interest.

but good for you...you got away.

later sweets. xx

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Radio: Ugh. Hate the people who talk about their dogs forever. You are allowed one quick pet story, and then shut the F' up, right? I was at a girl's house once, and she had a photo album of just her dog. She was halfway through, and I said, "Wait, is this all pics of the dog?" She confirmed that and continued. It was a long night.

Jones: Wow. You're very direct. I say stick it out sometimes. It's good for the stories. : )

Scott Oglesby said...

As soon as you described his pulled up pants and cell phone styling I hated his guts. And there is nothing worse than people who are so self absorbed that they don’t even notice their company’s displeasure at their convo.

That being said I do wonder about some of that new age-y stuff. Not to go as far as The Secret but I do find that there is something to the whole premise. I certainly don’t find it any more difficult to believe than the basic tenets of Christianity. I do know the guy you mean though, and yea, he does SUCK.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

S.O.: Yeah, he seemed to have no concept that he was brutalizing us. Love it! Like you say, I can buy into some of it, to a degree. Who knows? But the cell phone clip? I can't buy into that.

JerseySjov said...

i was out at a bar when this dude who was about 5'8 vertically and horizontally starts chatting me up. i was very vaguely polite to him, but when he asked for my number "so that me and you can, yknow, like meet up later" i shot him down.
he ambled away, but kept himself in my eyeline until about 20 minutes later when he was in my face again "hey my boys are leavin. what's your number so that we can go to this party together" no. not to mention that, if we were leaving together you wouldn't need my number. and off he went again.

maybe 5 minutes later he returned with gusto "no...aint nobody turned me down three times before. so, girl, whats your number? i wanna hang with you" there's a first time for everything, isn't there. no.
he took a few deliberate steps backward, dramatically looked me up and down and announced for everyone to hear "they way i figger it, either you like girls, or you got a man, because ain't no way you turn me down like that" and then he walked off for good, seemingly forgetting that girls like me don't have to give guys like him their number. unless guys like him are giving girls like me at least weed for free or somethin.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov:
That sounds like a doucher. At any point, did he say, "Do you know who I am?!" But, I have seen that before, a guy who gets turned down over-and-over by the same girl, and a lot of times a third party has to tell the guy to f' off or get his ass whipped. Butthole's like that are why I'm tired of the bar scene . . .

mysterygirl! said...

Isn't this like your second ladyfriend since your big break-up a couple months ago? Damn, Dr. Ken.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

MG: There have been a few. How have you been, MG?