On Friday, my friend Gung Ho and I went out, and at one point, we found ourselves on a dance floor with a group of straight-up weirdos who just had to be drug addicts. One guy looked like a combination of equal parts Frank Zappa and Rob Zombie, and he was tall enough to fiddle with the disco ball. This guy was fascinated by the thing, probably due to the drugs, and I was just sure that he was going to accidentally knock it down to the floor, shattering it.
While that didn't happen, what did happen is someone letting loose with the worst smelling fart of all time, permeating through the whole bar and having the duration of a good five minute's time. Because these folks all looked like artsy druggies, Gung Ho deduced that it must have been a heroin fart. Neither of us have been around that drug enough to truly know what that might smell like, but it's a good theory.
On Saturday night, I had a guy's night out with my married buddies, and we had a blast. We were at one bar with the punching machine thing where it registers how hard you punch, and I decided to throw a high kick at the thing. I fanned on my first one, luckily not falling down, but my second attempt was a direct hit! It felt amazing, and I'm glad it didn't get me thrown out because I was having a ball in there.
I learned two new moves on this night:
1. If you want to sit down with a table of girls, it can be done without looking like an intruding asshole if you do it right. First off, you have to smile and establish eye contact with all three. Next, right off the bat, announce that you are going to intrude and annoy them for five minutes and five minutes only. That way, they laugh, and they can be relieved that you won't take up all their time. I pulled this off, talking to these young ladies who turned out to be college students. I felt more like a dad, asking them what they were studying in school and things, but still, I consider it to be a successful learning experience.
2. When you're on a dance floor, if you ever see a pair of girls, and one is dancing with a guy, if the other one seems to be looking around for something to do, that's the bomb time to swoop in there. This is a point where they are actually hoping someone will do that because otherwise they're dancing alone and feeling awkward. Of course, you can't go in there grinding away; instead, you must go with a non threatening maneuver, like the standard taking her hand and twirling her around and things. They love that. Well, some do. Luckily for Dr. Ken, the ones twirled last night were responding well to it.
Okay, that's all I got. Have fun out there, Seven Readers, and be sure to stay clear of heroin farts.
One more thing, I centered all of the text in this blog to make it look like a poem. I think that it tricks people into thinking that the crap I write is somehow important, right?