Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thoughts That Went Through My Head as an Asian Indian Guy Was Feeling My Nuts

My doctor found a lump in my ball sack today, and it's probably just a harmless cyst or something - but it scared the living shit out of me. Here's what ran through my head . . .

"I haven't accomplished anything in this life. I've been putting off writing my next play for way too long, and it will never get done. If we continue to put things off, our goals, our dreams, then we are wasting the precious life that we are granted. Shit, all I've done is try to stay out of debt and get drunk on the weekends. That's it. I don't see my family nearly enough, I don't tell them how much I love them nearly enough, and I don't don't do nice things for them out of the blue nearly enough.

Where is Gancey Girfriend when I need her? Would if my screwed up balls kill me or make me sterile? Her and I will never get to make those tall good lookin' babies we're always talking about. Gosh, I love her. I need to be better to her. I just want to hug her, and she'll tell me everything is okay. She'll rub my head and say, 'It's okay, Dr. Ken. Your nuts are just fine. You're not going to die cause I won't let you because you're the sexiest man alive, lumpy nuts or not.' I really do need her, and I need that hug. I wonder if this doctor would let me hug him right quick. You know, I really trust this guy. He's the awesomest doctor ever. When I had that horrible, horrible diahrea where I thought I was going to die, where even water was getting rerouted to my butt somehow, he told me to just drink a ton of Gatorade, and voila! It came out my dick hole like it should! This guy's smart. He'll take care of my nuts."

PS- There's a far less serious post below this one. Try to comment on both if you're in the commenting mood because I'm doing 2 a day still when I publish to get caught back up to 365 in 365. XOXO - Dr. Ken.


HeatherLynn said...

Oh, DKN, I'm so sorry to hear of this blip of medical uncertainty....I know how you feel, I imagine a lump in the testicles is a lot like having a bad pap test...or when you dr. finds you have a lump in your breast. I have had both. Bad pap....= cervical cancer...lucky for me, they looked into it, and they determined I was fit as a fiddle....and that I didn't have an STD, and no cancer. the boob thing...turns out was a caffeine lump, i guess they are common in women...But talk about scared to death when the dr. comes in and sits you down and delivers that news. I was a million ways torn up and worried through both ordeals.

as I imagine you are too. I hope by the time this comment finds you, you've managed to see your girlfriend, and she's been able to offer you the comfort you needed when you wrote this.

I don't know your balls personally, but they are attached to you, so I know them by association if you I will keep them in my prayers. God might find it odd that I would pray for testicles...but he knows me well enough to know it must be for a good reason.

*big hang in there hugs*

radioactive girl said...

I am thinking good thoughts for you. Believe me, I know what the 'waiting to find out what something is' part is like.

Jenni said...

In the face of adversity you always manage to crack a joke. That's what I like about you.

Chin up-No matter what it is, you'll get through this just fine, lumpy.


JerseySjov said...

that's such a scary situation; hope things turn out fine for you.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for will be fine...I am certain!