Sunday, December 11, 2011

Have I Offended Someone?

I wrote a piece and submitted it to an online publication (you can read it here) and then I got this comment:

Sorry for being critical, but this piece is NOT good. It's kinda pointless...and if you've allowed THIS, then I sure as hell should be published here. How do I get my prose writing published here?

Then I got this one:

Shallow, seriously offensive and poorly written. I wouldn't post something so negative but this is so offensive.

So, I was pissed and posted a retaliation, but then deleted it because I don't need to defend myself. Screw those people, right? But I was still kind of pissed because I'm sensitive (read "thenthitive").

But then I got this awesome comment by someone named Diane:

Written from the point of view of a 34 yr old guy, noticing the women through the same window every time he wlks past, I find no offense in this at all. I caught the humour. I've had the hardest time reading ANYthing in the past year or so, 'cause nothing holds my interest (used to read 1-2 bks a week- all my life- just for reference), and this kept me reading. So definitely not poorly written. As far as shallow & pointless- do you need to have a "message" knock you upside the head every time you read something..(especially for just a short entertaining piece). The aside about his childhood friend & his little sister was a glimpse into the real life of some kids. WHAT are these people going to say to kids so desperate they're willing to live on the streets? I hardly find that pointless. Subtlety IS an art.

Well, the course of events got me into the offensive mood, so when we had a Man Night at my apartment with Southie, Chellie, Haircut and Dr. Ken something inflametory was bound to occur. We grilled up some steaks, drank a mess of beers, and for some reason collaborated on a highly misogynistic list: "Top 5 Fat Celebrity Women You'd Nail," but that wasn't a title polarizing enough for our tastes, so Southie entitled it, "Top 5 Cow's You'd Plow." Yes, it's really crude, but holy shit did we have some laughs looking up Google images to plead our cases.

Now, keep in mind the rationale behind some of these choices. Haircut is an accountant, so he devised a mathematical equation based on who we each picked for our own top 5's, and then we talked it out. Kirstie Allie, I'm told, gives rim jobs, so that was a plus. She also had a childhood crush factor, which really worked in Topenga's favor too. Monica Lewinksi has what I dubbed, a "famous mouth," which prompted Chellie to Tweet that immediately as well. I also said hail damage (cellulite) is a game changer, which also got tweeted shortly thereafter. Sorry, I know this shit is mean as hell, but anything goes on Man Night. Kelly Clarkson was pretty cute a few years back, but have you seen some candid shots? Holy hell did she ever blow up like the world trade! I was the only guy who had Delta Burke on my list. I was really lobbying for her, but after going through some images, she was just really 80's and yuckier than I remember. Other honorable mentions were Adele, Stiffler's Mom, Faith Evans, Pepa from Salt N' Pepa, Queen Latifah, and Ricki Lake. Chellie kept pointing out to me that "Fattie from 'Grey's'" has a name, but it's just way funnier to call her "Fatty from 'Grey's.'" Shit, I just though of Robin Quivers from "The Howard Stern Show." Always wanted to get on her for some reason.

When I was texting about this list with Big Business, he said that "big girls do sex better." That's a fact that a lot of people already know, but only the Incomparable Big Business could word it so perfectly.


Behold, the all mighty list written on the chalkboard in the kitchen in which we were drinking heavily.


Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

That shit was funny, fuck those butthurt shitcocks. But what I really wanted to say to you is where the fuck was Wynonna Judd?

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

I don't usually grant Triple OG status to new people but I suppose I can make an exception just this once.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Triple OG? Does that mean I killed 3 guys? Hey! Thanks! You're blog post was pretty bomb tits as well. I think I have to get you on the frequent flyers list.

Did we just start a bromance?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Wynona? Hmmmm. What about Lisa Marie Presley when she got fat?

Gorilla Bananas said...

The only two I know on that list are Monica and Kirsty, and I'm suddenly struck by how similar they are. Both were attractively buxom dark-haired women (similar hairstyles?) with fair skin, who later ate too many potato wedges and began to resemble Jabba the Hut. Actually, I'm not sure that's fair, maybe they've recently got back into shape.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: I think you're right. Potato wedges were their undoing. Correct as always.

radioactive girl said...

Now I am horribly offended, I will never read here again. JUST KIDDING! I think some people need to relax and enjoy the humor in things instead of thinking up ways to be offended by it. You are awesome, you write awesomely, and you always make me laugh.

I love topenga. Good choice.

sybil law said...

Not even remotely offended. Some chicks are fat, and some guys will make a list of the fat chicks they'd screw. I think "Cows You'd Plow" is hysterical, actually.
I'd even make a list of fat guys I'd have sex with:
James Gandolfini (mostly in his role as Tony Soprano)
Marlon Brando (when he was alive - and in his role as The Godfather)
John Candy
Chris Farley
Sam Kinison (just to see if he'd scream)

I like the story. I'm glad you didn't defend yourself, though - that would've made you seem like a tool. Regardless, it's a great story, so keep writing. :)

Heff said...

I like that #4 wasn't even worthy of her actual name, LMAO !!!

b.burjan said...

topenga and kelly clarkson for sure....also to be considered is rachel ray, she also makes my list of celebrities whom i'd love to grudge fuck.

BeckEye said...

I'm not offended. I'm actually amused by what some guys consider "fat." Kelly Clarkson is not fat. She's a little bit chunky. Same with Topanga. Plus, that chick has huge boobs, which always makes you look fatter, unless you're a size 2 and your boobs are fake (read: you are a porn star).

No Aretha Franklin? What if she wears that hat?

The Grand Wave said...

I usually don't comment on here but this was hilarious. I've certainly had these conversations on dudes night. I definitely agree with Topenga just because of the little kid crush factor. And as for the people hating on your work, they can go play with a bag of dicks. They didn't write anything.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Radio: Yeah? Topenga? Would you?

Sybil: John Candy? Wow! I think I'd do Sam Kinison too. Total genius. I'd at least do a line of blow off his butt if I did blow. Maybe he can do one off mine? This is getting weird . . . Next commenter . . .

Heff: Yes! Way funnier without her real name, I think. Topenga doesn't even get the real actress name!

Burjan: Rachel! Forgot about that! All of us are big eaters, so she would have gotten some votes for the cooking.

Grand: Thansk, man! It's been a while since you've been by. I'll return the favor. Yes. I hope they're playing with a bag full right now. The buttholes that they are . . .

BeckEye said...

So, everyone gets a response but me? You motherfucking cocksucker!! (See, I even read your most recent post.)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Beck: So sorry! Actually, google some pics of Kelly Clarkson and Topenga. I guarantee you find some pics you'd consider fat, and not with a P-H.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...
This comment has been removed by the author.