Saturday, December 03, 2011

Last Night We Played With the Breathalyzer Machine . . .

. . . on the way out of the bar. Here are the results:

Oats: He had been drinking lots of Sam Addams because he had a good review at work. He was trying to take home a female companion, but all he took home were tacos. His score:

Gelfling: She is a very tiny girl with big fake boobs, so it doesn't take a whole lot to get her lit up like a Christmas tree. Her score:

Gung Ho: He loves a good piano bar and was knocking back mixed drinks of various colors and potency. His score:
.09 (To which he said: "So, I could take a piss and drive right now?)

Monique: She would have destroyed all of us because she was swaying around not unlike a guy in Mortal Kombat about to get a brutal fatality, but she did a disappearing act before we could get a score from her.

Shogun: I honestly don't remember his score, but he would have done pretty well. He's that guy that pops up behind you, dropping off more beers than there are people at your table.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater
: Like Oats, I also had a good review at work that resulted in tenure that might be dealt away with anyway, but I really don't need an excuse to celebrate via way too many beers. Oats was feeding me lots and lots of Sammies. I recall dropping off 5 bucks to one of the piano guys to play "Go Cubs Go." My score:
A robust .11

Shogun's Wife
: She always gets bombed to the point where she's like a little kid. A harmless lovable drunk. She was the night's winner at the breathalyzer showdown:

I always hear about people being "twice the legal limit," but none of us achieved that this evening. What are people thinking about getting into a car in that condition?


Gorilla Bananas said...

Heh, I'd like to see a video clip of Mrs Shogun when she's pissed!

sybil law said...

Based on my pounding head right now, I might've beaten everyone. I didn't drink that much, but holy crap - hangovers suck!!
Weren't you going to see Kyuss?

radioactive girl said...

I am small and it does not take much to get me drunk. The only time I have ever used a breathalizer was in college, when the campus police called the real police (long story) and I was .38. No one could believe I could stand up, let alone talk. I was fine...except I couldn't see...minor details. I was still drunk the next day when I woke up. I miss college!

Heff said...

Let's get some pix of Gelfling on here, damnit !!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: She gets it done out there. Makes me proud.

Sybil: I did see Kyuss, but the beauty of an all ages show is that they are over at 11. The show was ALL dudes. And they were all tall. I felt bad for Oats cuz he couldn't see a darn thing.

Radio: That's quite a blow. That probably took a couple days to get out of the system. That's what college is all about. Lots of semen content too in many cases.

Heff: Haha! Cracking me up, son!

Andrew said...

I only used a breathalyzer once after I had a slight margarita. The score? .00.


bschooled said...

OMG, This is the best post I've read all day. (And I've read a lot of posts...)

I keep hoping that someone will me a breathalyzer for Christmas, just so I can perform social experiments on my friends. And strangers. Also, the Mexican guy who is currently passed out on the sidewalk in front of my apartment.

The Igloo Oven said...

Congrats on tenure (hope Rahmbo doesn't cuss at it to the point it goes away, if he does, I'd like to pay someone to spill motor oil on all of his fine suits) and congrats to Shogun's Wife!!

Michael5000 said...

Safe to assume your friend with the big fake boobs doesn't follow the blog? Just curious.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Andrew: I don't think you did it right. Or that margarita was shitty.

bschooled: That passed out Mexican is everything I want to be today.

Igloo: Yup. Shogun's Wife is a lord. Rahm is a butt plug.

Michael: No. Gelfling doesn't follow. Neither does Gung Ho. So I can openly say that I hope Gung Ho dumps Gelfling very soon.