A Friend I Will Miss and Another I Avoid

A Friend I Will Miss

I got a really good friend, one of the guys I officiated a wedding for as Reverend Ken, and he suddenly announced he is moving away in three weeks.  It's really sad, and I feel like I wasn't given enough notice.  If you told me a few months, sure, but three weeks?  Sorry, but my man-love heart needs a little time to process these things.  I tried to be happy for him when he told a few of us the other night, but I couldn't.  And then I made him sad by being sad.  Eventually I just gave up trying to feign happiness and I posted this video on his Facebook wall.



I thought the clip would be good for a laugh, but I ended up crying.  Guess it was good for a cry too.  I know.  A man crying over a Star Trek clip might be the nerdiest thing ever, but it happened and I'm better for it.  I needed to get the crying out of my system, and Kirk and Spok helped me out to those ends.  Those devilish, space traveling, pointy eared (one of them), bastards . . .

And Another I Avoid

This other friend of mine I have been playing volleyball with for years, and he makes everyone miserable by telling everyone what to do and how they messed something up.  He has a thick accent and his command of the English language isn't too good either.  He often times ends his description of how he thought you should have returned the last serve with "does that make sense?"  And it never makes sense.  The thing is, he is easily the worst player of all of us, yet he always tells people how to play, which makes it all the more difficult to stomach his lectures.  I always have to do some affirmations on my way to the court like "Okay, he is going to be terrible.  Just nod your head and be positive.  Move on to the next point and don't yell at him."  Sometimes it works, and on rare instances, usually when I'm hungover and emotional, I do end up yelling at him.  And then I'm disappointed in myself because it doesn't do any good.  

He isn't much better in social gatherings either.  His jokes are often as misunderstood as his volleyball analysis, and he will try to make wise cracks about people that never quite work.  This makes it sound like he is a jerk, but that isn't quite it.  He is just a little off.  It's no longer cultural, and he can't use that as an excuse anymore.  He has been in the country a long time now.  He is just kind of weird. 

So some of the volleyball friends are meeting up to watch NCAA games, and I actually asked if this dude is going to be there.  I felt really bad about asking that, but here is the thing: I really value my weekends, and if that dude will be there describing how the little people on the television should have executed that inbounds play and I have to keep taking pees I barely have to take and get beers I don't need just to get away, that will detract from the loveliness of my oh so important Saturday afternoon.  

I just got the word that he will, in fact, be there.  Just like on the way to the court, on the way to the bar I will do my affirmations: "I can do this.  Be nice to him.  He really isn't that bad . . ."

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Anybody have friends like the first one?  How about the second one?  Any tips on how to handle the second one because I'm about out of ideas.  

Dear Doctor Part One

I asked readers to send me their problems, preferably sexual ones, and I found this very interesting quandary in my inbox.  Warning: The nature of this letter is a little graphic, and my response, while I believe to be sound advice, is also a little explicit. 

Dear Doctor,

My boyfriend likes to do vaginal "fisting" with me, which is putting his entire hand up inside my pussy. We both reach another state of consciousness when he does this, so we really enjoy it. He uses a latex glove and lubricant so his hand will fit all the way up my c-word* without a lot of struggling. But after he does this, I notice his latex glove has blood on it when he takes his hand out of my pussy. And my c-word** is sore for a good week after fisting. Is it safe for him to fist my pussy even though there's blood and pain when he's done? We don't want to give up fisting because we get such a high off of it, however, it concerns me that he could be damaging my pussy.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

*Only she really used the "c-word."
**And again here.    
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Dear Two Pickets to Fisttburgh,

This certainly is problem.  On the one hand, you have bleeding, tearing, and possibly damage to your vagina that could last a lifetime.  On the other side, the two of you are somehow achieving an altered state of consciousness through your fisting love, and this is simply too important a discovery to quit now.  You mentioned that you are sore for a week after, so perhaps the two of you can experiment with achieving nirvana on earth just once a week.  

It's possible, however unlikely, that the union of his fist and your cooter have created a flux capacitor.  Now it's just a matter of fisting while traveling at 88 miles an hour, and then maybe you could do what I thought until now was impossible: fisting time travel!  I know, this sounds dangerous, so I do advise that you have a friend do the driving for the two of you.  As for the lubricants and latex gloves that you mentioned, I think those will make the experience less organic, so better leave those at home when you embark on your time travel journey.  Good luck, and on behalf of all my readers and anyone who supports the sciences, we thank you.

P.S. Try not to change anything in the past when you travel through time, as this can have disastrous affects upon the future.  For example, the very sight of the two of you fisting away like that in any time period is pretty memorable and possibly traumatic to people in just about any time period, so you might want to pick a remote location to when you attempt fisting time travel.   

 

Email Me at Thegancer@yahoo.com . . .

. . . And I will give you advice that may or may not be horrible, but it will likely be funny.  I never get email at that account, and I've managed to block all the penis growth ones, so now every time I check it says I have no mail.  Not even the penis ones.

So, email me a dilemma that you have in your life, and I will provide you with sage-like advice based on my limited understanding of the use of common sense.  And, of course, I won't use your real name.

If you need sex advice, that will be even more fun.  I've been called "just okay" at sex by 10's of women, so I'm pretty qualified.