Toddler Fight Club Tests the Doctor's Joke Limits!

I recently got wind of the Toddler Fight Club story the same way I get all my news: from Facebook.  Apparently some daycare workers made toddlers fight one another for sport.  I quickly wrote a blog post in my head that was full of sick humor, starting off with saying how if the story leaked, someone involved must have broken the first rule of Toddler Fight Club.  The jokes I wrote only got more in depth and sick from there . . .

Then I read the story.  I love kids so I got a little angry and nauseous when I read about these sick individuals doing something so heinous with children they were trusted with taking care of.  I have written about all kinds of things on this rag through out the years, but even I couldn't joke about this one.  I had to scrap the blog post.  

Sorry, readers.  I guess I'm getting soft . . .

How about you?  Any blogs you guys almost wrote or jokes you had to stop yourself from making?

the bike lock story

I was biking home from the gym today, holding my bike lock in my had, when I saw what I thought might be some sort of domestic dispute between a young couple.  As it turns out, they were just play fighting but for a moment there I thought I might have had to go upside this dude's head with a u-lock. 

Here is the little scene in my stupid head that I wrote in that fleeting moment:

Dr. Ken: Hey, buddy.  Why don't you leave the little lady alone
(little lady is kind of demeaning and sexist, but that's just how old fashioned chivalrous types talk)

Man: Just stay out of this, Lance Armstrong.  This doesn't concern you.  Or your one nut.

Dr. Ken: It certainly doesn't involve Lance's testicle, so yeah, we'll leave that out, but it does concern me now because there is no way I'm leaving without . . . doing something.  Are you okay, miss?

Woman: No.  I'm not.  He's an asshole and he's drunk and mean. 

Man: You shut your stupid mouth, woman!  And let me and Armstrong finish our conversation.
(This is kind of how stereotypical wife beating types talk, I think)

Dr. Ken: Listen, why don't we just put you two in a cab and call it a night.

Man: Sure.  We could do that.  Or I could whip the ever-loving tar out of your stupid hipster ass.

the man begins to roll up his sleeves and walk towards Dr. Ken in a threatening manner

Dr. Ken: (stepping off his bike and wielding his bike lock) Think this through.  I don't want to clock you with this bike lock, and you don't want to get hit with one. 

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The truth of the matter is that I would probably just pull around the corner and call the police.  If I did opt for the U-Lock beating, I would likely miss with a piss-poor flailing attempt and get beat up.  Probably the girl would even get a few licks in, and they would resolve their differences by agreeing that I'm a giant pussy.

When the Ring Card Girl Starts Kicking, Who Holds the Cards?

The very hot ring card girl for the UFC, Arianny Celeste, was arrested for domestic violence after kicking her boyfriend in the face with her high heeled shoe.  Apparently, while in a limousine, the two got into a fight over some text messages her boyfriend, Praveen Chandra, had sent to other women, prompting the face kick.  The argument continued back at their hotel room where Celeste contends he choked her and Chandra says she threw two vases at him.

What I don't get about couples like this is how after a night like this they could ever want to work things out.  Once I have been kicked directly in the face by a girl in a high heeled shoe, even if she looks like Arianny Celeste, we're done.  There is no rational explanation for that, and if I choke you, I should be dumped too - and arrested.

Arianny, leave the kicking to the professionals - you just carry the cards and keep looking good in your undies, and if this guy wants to choke women, maybe get one of your fighter friends to perform a proper choke on him. 

My Lady and I Got in the World's Dumbest Fight . . .

. . . about where I would put my CD's when we get a place together.  I was drunk and demanding that they be prominently displayed because I like seeing them - they're comforting.  They have been in the basement for too long, and every time I want to hear something that I haven't put onto my iPod yet, I have to go all the way down there.

The next morning we were laughing about how dumb a fight it was, and it was one of those things where we are pretty much agreed on it, but we weren't listening to one another because we both were drastically overserved with pints upon pints of loud mouth soup.

So today I sent her this email:

I went downstairs with my cigar to look for a Pantera CD that I want to play during workouts, and I left the cigar on the ledge outside.  I found that disc and some other gems, but while I was searching, the rain started pouring, putting out my stogie and getting me and my discs all wet on my way back up to the apartment.

That settles it.  The discs will be displayed tastefully in our lovely little apartment.

Love you.

"Everybody underestimates the kick to the groin."

I'm a big fan of Dutch mixed martial arts fighter, Bas "El Guapo" Rutten, not only because he's a legend in the ring but because he's funny and as hyper as Dr. Ken. If you haven't seen these barroom self-defense videos online, check them out. It's like he's just making this stuff up as he goes along. Ram a receipt holder stick thingy up a guy's rectum? Why not. Knock a guy out and poor hot sauce in his butt? Sure!

Anyone ever fight dirty or see someone do something to make El Guapo proud?

Follow Through, Scheduling, and Punching

I'm sure I've told you before that I have never been in a fight. Sure, I watch a lot of UFC, and I'd love nothing more than to know what it feels like to deliver a flying knee or a superman punch to another grown man's face; But I just never was the fighting type. The closest I came was in the 4th grade when this Asian Indian kid and I decided we should fight after school. The problem was, one of us had soccer practice one day, another of us had cross country, or something on another, and we just couldn't arrive at a day that worked for the both of us. To fight . . .

I've always had trouble with follow through and scheduling, so yeah, it just wasn't going to happen.