Words of the Day Are Fun When They're Swears!

Today's word of the day is muthafucka.  I realize you may be thinking a few things.

1. I spelled it wrong.  That's intentional.  If you say motherfucker, those two "R" sounds are all wrong for how this word should be used in this sense.

2. Also, today's word of the day is to be used to start a sentence.

For example:

"Muthafucka, I already told you that shit!"

or how about . . .

"Muthafucka, where the damn milk at?"

I just asked Mrs. Noisewater to start a sentence with the word of the day.  I said, "Quick, say a sentence that starts with muthafucka.  Her first attempt was this:

"Muthafucka bitch?"

I let her know that her sentence made no sense and would need a verb.  Her next attempt was excellent, though.

"Muthafucka tried to rob me!"

I rather like that.  It tells a story.  He tried to rob her, which implies that he failed and she likely fucked that muthafucka up!

Try a sentence with the word of the day in the comments section, readers.  I'm confident you will find it to be a good deal of fun.  Also, try the word of the day on a friend and let me know how they react.

Terrible Blog Topics Jotted Down at the Bar the Other Night . . .

. . . in no particular order

1. My buddy Night Train was wondering why we have v-necks for better boob viewing when there are clearly two boobs to be seen.  Hence, why not w-neck shirts?  Be looking for that at Banana Republic very soon.

2. My other buddy Southie was talking about the plain-Jane-looking girl on 90210 that worked at the school paper with Brandon, the one that was really like 35-years-old when they started filming, and I thought for sure I heard Southie say "rape through it."  He didn't, but then we said rape through it 19 times through out the evening.  No, rape isn't funny, but the phrase was cracking us up because, well, we know each other well enough to know none of us are rapists.

"Ooh!  I know the phrase for that!"

 3. Well, if you're still reading and not crafting your angry comment lambasting me for the last topic, let me know what you think about the next one: Why is it that Matt or Matthew is such a common name, yet so few Black people are named it?  The Chicago Bears have Matt Forte, but then we were stumped.  Little help?

"You were expecting maybe LaShawn?"

4. We were all agreed that Beyonce is a super crappy choice for the Super Bowl Halftime Show, and there should be more rock bands doing it.  My prediction right here at the Gancer is that it will be the reunited 3/4 of Led Zeppelin playing it next year.  Them or Huey Lewis and the News (fingers crossed).

"Let me know when it is, once again, hip to be square."

 5. How come no one at the bar is skilled in the art of reading lips, but when we see Tom Belichick, coach of the New England Patriots, say "fucking bullshit," we all know exactly what he said?  Everyone knows how to read potty mouth lips!  I guess the lesson here is that if you're worried about someone far away reading your lips but you want to let someone know what you think of them who is in earshot, do so with unconventional disgusting phrases like "purple headed yogurt slinger" or "hatchet wound." 

CS'er and MF'er

I had a bad experience being put on hold for too long and jerked around last night trying to get something from an airline, and it occurred to me that I knew the answer: CS'er and MF'er them!

I knew a guy once who said that if you ever want to get people on the phone to see things your way, even when they've been trained to screw you is say those magic two phrases as many times as possible.

Example:

Dr. Ken: Hey, I'm getting a little pissed here.

Operator: Sir, try to remain calm.

Dr. Ken: Yeah, I've been calm. Now I'm MF'ing pissed.

Operator: I understand, but I've told you that we can't refund your . . .

Dr. Ken: Oh, you'll refund my MF'ing money, or you'll put me on with your supervisor, and that CS'er will refund my MF'ing money

Operator: Umm . . . okay, I'll connect you . . .

-----------------------------------

You see? It's just that easy! Now, I'm not saying you should all excessively CS and MF all through out your day. That would just be rude and crazy like a Tourette's guy, but there are those desperate times where those wonderfully offensive phrases will get you what you MF'ing want out of those dirty CS'ers.

I was walking home from the grocery store today, picking up some soup and juice and the like to make me feel a little better, when I heard from a line of cars at a light, "Move your fucking asses, people!" A light had changed, and there was no way in hell, even with perfect reaction times from all motorists, that this person would have gotten through. So, he's just swearing loudly for no good reason. Then I was shocked to see that this guy was super old. I'm disturbed by old people swearing, especially the fuck word, like Jack Lemmon as Shelley "The Machine" Levene in Glenngary Glen Ross.

Although, I have heard from a lot of people who work with the elderly that old folks start swearing like mad when they're starting to lose their faculties, so maybe they no long have the energy or patience to hold back.

So, I guess let it rip, old folks. You've earned it. I always try to be nice to the elderly and help them out however I can, and I guess I'll have to grow a little more tolerant of the disturbing swearing.

Randomly Random Updates in No Particular Order

1. Last night, while celebrating my good friend Gung Ho's 30th birthday, we ended up stopping into Chicago's famous late night eatery, The Wiener Circle. Part of the schtick of the place is that the heavy set Black women swear at you, and you can swear back at them a bit, within reason. I talked all about the joint here at the forever floundering Chicago blog, "The Liars Club." I'm really looking for more Chicago based bloggers to get it running again, so email me if you're interested.

Anyway, after getting my dog and cheese fries, it dawned on me that I hadn't been sweared at, so I went up to the counter and said, "Excuse me, miss. You didn't swear at me." To which she said, "Man, I'm too tired for all of that." I said I understand she was working hard, to which she replied, "Just sit your pussy lips down."

Boom.

2. I'm horribly hung over, and at 8:00PM, I'm having a glass of wine out of a coffee cup that says "Special Interest Public On Target Marketing" that has a big target on it, and it's the only time I've felt good all day.

3. I saw an old guy filling up his cup of McDonalds coffee in the grocery store where you're supposed to use the dixie cup sized ones for free tastes. I figure he knows he's not supposed to do that, but like Honey Badger, he "doesn't give a shit." I saw another old guy showering in a fountain the other day, and I'm thinking it's the same effect. I can't wait until I'm old. Or a honey badger.



4. I have only one more day of physical therapy, and I'm excited about getting this ankle 100% so I can run my first marathon. At first I didn't like my therapist lady because I thought she was a snatchatollah khomeini (a Gancey original term), but once I get to know her, she's not so bad. Also, she was torturing me at first, so it's hard to like your torturer, unless you got that Stockholm Syndrome. Speaking of which, my favorite band from Sweden is coming to town, Truckfighters, the guys I interviewed here. Also, Stockholm Syndrome is an awesome song sung by the fat guy in Yo La Tengo. Give it a listen.



5. My roommate just got a ticket for parking more than twelve inches from the curb. I have done that a bunch of times and never have I gotten a ticket for it, usually when I'm parking drunkenly (is that correct grammar? Why can't I use the adverb form of drunk at the end like any other adverb?) The thing is, Chicago is bullshit about squeezing money out of people through parking violations and automated red light camera-jobbers and the like. As my roomy was looking at his ticket, another lady said that she got a ticket for the same thing, so it must have been some total doucher trying to fill his quota. But, here's the thing: that violation isn't even on the big list of things to check off on the ticket, so the doucher had to write it in. The beauty of it is that he put one hash mark instead of two, which would indicate that he was 12 feet from the curb, so I totally say the Spinal Tap defense holds up in this case.

Lee's Rant

Baseball season is around the corner, and I thought it a good time to play for you one of the finest meltdowns in sports history, Cubs coach Lee Elia's swearing masterpiece from 1983. I spliced in some music in the background, and while there is a lot of hiss from the original Lee recording, I think if you have the patience to listen when the music gets more intense, you will hear it build up to a sweet cursing crescendo. If you want, count the times he uses the fuck word and post your answer in the comments. How fun! I mean, how fucking fun!!



Remember, hit pause on the music player on this page on the right before you play the song, or click where it says "MP3" to download it to your iTunes so you can road rage it in the car with old Lee.