Jibber Jabberer At the Gym and a Totally Unrelated Funny Story

I was at the gym today on the treadmill, and there was a woman next to me talking to someone on the phone while she was working out. Now, this is okay if:

Q: 1. Was it an important call or a business call?

A: Almost certainly not because she was laughing loudly and all the content of the conversation that I overheard was completely meaningless.

Q: Did she at least keep her voice down?

A: Absolutely not. I would have been fine if I had my headphones, but even then the big belly laughs would cut right through the heavy-ass jams I would likely have been playing. Probably something obscure and rocking, like this, a stoner rock band out of Portugal called Sulfer Giant with endless infectious Sabbathesque riffs.



At some point in my frustration at having only the bad gym music and no sports to watch on the television (just the closed captions of guys talking about football) and forced to listen to this lady jabber on, I started getting perhaps a little too critical of her. Now, I really don't like to judge people at the gym for whatever workouts they're doing because who gives a care, right? I know that one time a giant Thor-looking dude, like that blond schmuck from the Packers (sorry, I'm a Bears fan) tapped me on the shoulder (interrupting my beloved rock music for God's sake) to tell me that I was doing an exercise with poor form or something. I know that made me mad, so why am I judging this woman?

(You won't get gains doing it your way, bro. Also, you'll get more volume in your hair if you switch to my dope shampoo. Bro.)

At least she made it into the gym, I tried to tell myself. Perhaps she really hates working out but loves catching up with her homegirl, so she rewards herself with that - and that's what keeps her going to the gym. Maybe that is the case, but couldn't she do that on the ride there or the ride home? And couldn't she at least keep her voice down a little? And here comes me perhaps being a jerk. She was walking the whole time. If you're able to carry friendly banter like that, are you really working hard enough? And keeping her hands on the railing the whole time is really cheating herself.

Well, am I complete gym-bro ass wipe for letting this lady bother me that much?

Hey, here is something totally unrelated. My buddy, Night Train, and I were at a bar the other night, and we ran into one of his old roommates, this great-looking super buff gay guy. We got talking about how this guy dogged out fellas like a lot of men do with women. He would have all different types of guys that he would take home, and more than once he would have a fella come over when he was gone and they would just hang out with us and wait for Buff Roommate to come home. Night Train said one morning he saw one of the hottest women he had ever seen in his life come out of Buff Roommate's bedroom. He told Nigh Train that he mixes up once or twice a year and throws a woman into the mix. Night Train said to me, "God damn this guy! I'm in a slump right now, and he can easily pull the hottest girl out of the bar whenever he wants, and he is gay!?" Oh my God did we ever have a laugh at that one.

Hey, I got to run. Mrs. Noisewater has my 40th birthday celebration planned for me that I have to get ready for, and I have no idea what activities we are doing. Perhaps it will be a blog worthy tale I can share soon. Be well, friends.

I work with this woman who I'm not too crazy about, and the more she goes on and on at meetings, the more crazy I start going.  In about three consecutive meetings she has said "strag-e-dies" instead of strategies.  I was screaming inside my head, mad as hell that someone could get over 40-years-old in a professional setting still saying a word that horribly incorrect.  Then "Tragedy" by Bee Gees popped in my head for reasons I at first didn't know, but then I laughed having realized that I was singing "Stragedy!"

Songs pop in my head all the time and crack me up.  There are people I see every day who have no idea that they have their very own theme song playing in my head when they walk in the room.  And it's a good trick that I recommend to keep you from getting too serious and angry at work.  Just assign that awful person a funny song and get through that meeting, humming and laughing to yourself like a crazy person.

I was at a party the other night, and there was this insufferable attractive woman with no filter blurting out all kinds of perverted things about herself.  I know what you're thinking, how is this a problem?  Well, she was the type who has no charm or wit so she has discovered that telling us about her boyfriend's big wang is the only way she could hold anyone's attention.

I don't even know how she got onto this next topic, but I'm guessing there was zero segue like all the other things she spewed. She began to tell us about being able to shoot ping-pong balls out of her vagina.  Not because she is a stripper, just because she wants everyone to know what a sexual dynamo and social pariah she is.

Trapped on a cramped balcony with this ding bat for an hour with her attention-seeking behavior led me to blurt out something strange of my own.  "I could shoot those ping-pong balls out twice as far out of my anus."  This rattled her.

"No you couldn't!"  She exclaimed.   "I do Kegel exercises!"   

"So.  I take like three dumps a day.  I have power out of my butt hole like you wouldn't believe.  I would launch those suckers down that whole hallway."

"That can't even be done," she said.

"What's it worth for you to find out?  You go first."

Top 10 Most Annoying TV Characters of all Time

I just published an article online by that name.  Give it a look when you have a moment.  Do you agree or disagree?  Anyone I missed?  Thanks, readers . . .

LINK TO ARTICLE HERE

Uh Oh. I Think I'm Annoying . . .

I saw a story on Yahoo news about annoying habits people have at work, and I'm curious how I stack up.  Let's have a look . . . 

Topping the list among men, 41% are turned off by co-workers' body odor. Nearly as many women think their colleagues could do better in the hygiene department, about 38%. 

I think I'm okay here.  I mean, my odor isn't offensive or anything.  I will say that when I play basketball in the morning, I don't have time to shower so I smell like Axe Body Spray, which is kinda douchey - but not offensive.

Women are most likely to be annoyed when another steals credit for their ideas. This peeve is number one on the list for 41% of all women (and 36% of men). Perhaps because younger employees are less likely to speak up for themselves on the job, 44% of 18-34 year-olds, both men and women, say this is really ticks them off. 

I don't do this at work.  I have, however, been listening to a lot of sports radio lately and pawning off opinions of the radio guys as my own.  Terrible, right?

What's another common complaint? Not surprisingly, given the lack of privacy in most workplaces, about a third of workers (33% of women and 31% of men) are irked by hearing a colleague's loud, personal telephone conversations.

I try not to do a whole lot of this.  To me, that's kind of a no-no.  Wait, maybe I'm not as annoying as I thought . . .

According to the survey, the lunchroom is a minefield of annoying behaviors. Men and women are equally aggrieved when someone swipes their food out of the office refrigerator-27% report this is their biggest complaint. And, if you were thinking of eating that onion pizza or garlicky meatball sub on the job, perhaps you should save it for the weekend. It will seriously gross out 13% of your male and 12% of your female colleagues.

 Come on, man!  Rifling other people's sack lunches out of the fridge?  I don't do that, but I do "borrow" some hot sauce if there is some in there.  I don't like to eat stinky stuff at work.  That's horrible.

I'm very, very annoying at the bar, but I'm okay at work, as it turns out.  At the bar I dance like an idiot, I poke you in the ribs thirty times to tell you something, I scream loudly to stuff I don't even like (see Bon Jovi), I buy the round of gross shots you don't want, and I call you a sissy when you try to go home because I want more drinking buddies around to make me feel a little less like a pathetic loser.

But yeah, at work I'm totally not annoying.  

"Well, Actually . . ."

I once knew this guy a long, long time ago who could launch into a lecture at a drop of a hat. Recently, HLP (Heterosexual Life Partner) and myself got talking about this guy, and another friend of mine said, "Yeah, he's a real well, actually type of guy." That's exactly it! He can well, actually the shit out of whatever you say to him. There are so many speeches that could be avoided by just a quick anecdote, and he doesn't even come up for air to give you that window to divert the subject away - and what good would that do because he's only going to hit you with a discourse around the next turn?

Ugh!

In any event, thanks, buddy for nailing the perfect nickname for him.

How about you, Seven Readers? Do you know anyone like this, or do you know any other good nicknames for someone similar or all together different? Well, actually, I knew a guy when I was a little kid who told such fantastical stories that we called him Teddy Ruxpin, the story-telling bear . . .