Yesterday I was driving Erik Noisewater (age 4) to school and telling him about the dream I had. I said my recently departed Aunt Linda was in the dream, and she was young and beautiful. And I was so happy she was alive somehow. Then, of course, by the end of the dream I learned that she was dead after all. I told Erik that I was crying but couldn't remember if I was crying in the dream or while I was awake after it was over. He said, "But parents don't cry." I told him parents cry too. I said I hardly ever cry, and when I do I almost never do it in front of anyone - so he just hasn't seen me cry is all. Then I reminded him that he has seen his mother cry. To which he said, "Yeah she cries and you just go, 'I know! I know!'" 

Wow, the way he said that, the way he imitated my response to his mom crying - it was bad hearing that. There was an incident the other night and I was not exactly the most empathetic husband of all time. I don't want to make it seem like this is dinner every night at the Noisewater dining room table, but it happened. I think everyone is breaking down in these damn COVID times. It's tough. It's wearing on everyone. 

"I know! I know!"

What an asshole.

I'm going to be better. 

That's My Girl!

Mrs. Noiswater and I were having breakfast a little while back in this great Greek diner in Chicago where you can get around 38 different egg skillets.  As long as I have been going in there, which is about as long as I've been writing on this blog page, it has been run by a middle aged Greek American with a thick Chicago accent who runs around there trying to run the whole place in his pajama pants.

On this day he was hollering at one of his staff members in a way that was making us uncomfortable, and this is not a side I had ever seen in him.  He is usually very busy and short with people to an extent but always very polite.  On this day he laid into this poor waitress and told her exactly what he though of her and performance for all his customers to hear.  "The toilet's clogged?  Well go plunge it!  Ah, go ahead and cry in the bathroom or whatever it is you do," he said to her as she ran towards the kitchen.  Then he warned someone never to have a daughter, or something to that effect.  So, we gathered that this was daughter he was lambasting.

Then when we brought our bill up to the counter to ring up, he went right back to his usual charming self.  He even commented on how pretty Mrs. Noisewater was and asked if she had a single mom around and winked at me.  What a smoothie!  But Mrs. Noisewater's mom is happily married.  Sorry Pajama Pants.

Well, I'll give the guy a pass because he has been nice every other time I have seen him, maybe this daughter of his really is a pain in the butt, and he does grill up a mean skillet.

What do you think, readers?  Do we get some a-hole liberties when interacting with our own families?

I was at a party the other night, and there was this insufferable attractive woman with no filter blurting out all kinds of perverted things about herself.  I know what you're thinking, how is this a problem?  Well, she was the type who has no charm or wit so she has discovered that telling us about her boyfriend's big wang is the only way she could hold anyone's attention.

I don't even know how she got onto this next topic, but I'm guessing there was zero segue like all the other things she spewed. She began to tell us about being able to shoot ping-pong balls out of her vagina.  Not because she is a stripper, just because she wants everyone to know what a sexual dynamo and social pariah she is.

Trapped on a cramped balcony with this ding bat for an hour with her attention-seeking behavior led me to blurt out something strange of my own.  "I could shoot those ping-pong balls out twice as far out of my anus."  This rattled her.

"No you couldn't!"  She exclaimed.   "I do Kegel exercises!"   

"So.  I take like three dumps a day.  I have power out of my butt hole like you wouldn't believe.  I would launch those suckers down that whole hallway."

"That can't even be done," she said.

"What's it worth for you to find out?  You go first."