Crap-A-Doodle-Doo!

The wife and I knock back a tall glass of Metamucil every night. It's a nice little ritual. Pour the glasses full of water, scoop out the powder, stir it around, chug it down, usually feels clumpy and gross. But it helps you poop.

Then the other night I was in the next room (think I was blogging with you people) and heard Mrs. Noisewater doing the Metamucil ritual; I could hear the clinking of the spoon against the glass. And she never offered me a cup! A severe breach in Metamucil etiquette if you ask me. But we got it straightened out. We are going to keep each other honest and be the most regular couple you ever met. Like clockwork.

In other news, the wife had a nighttime zoom meeting, and I was in charge of the kiddos. I put Desi, the almost 1-year-old, to bed, but he was crying like crazy. Erik, the almost 4-year-old, was too engrossed in the movie he was watching to remember to get to the toilet to pee. He ran in there and told me that it was too late. He hasn't had an accident like that in months. Must have been a good movie. As the pee is pooling up in a puddle around his bare feet he says, "Crap-a-doodle-doo." That's one of those phrases that I don't really realize I say, but right when you hear it from your kid, you know it's your doing. I was super stressed out at the time with my daddy skills not going well, so hearing that gave me a much needed laugh.

What's up with you, good people? Enjoying any good quarantine nights lately? Had a good laugh you can tell us about?

Do you all have a Costco in your area?  If you don't know what it is, it's one of those giant stores where you need a membership to go in there, and then you buy things in huge bulk amounts so that it takes you months to finish it.  That way you get things like 30 cents off, but your pantry fills up and there are boxes all over your living room.  It's great!

While shopping there last night, I stopped into the washroom to take a pee, and a guy in a Costco uniform asked if I didn't mind peeing in a giant jar.  I thought it a little strange, but I do enjoy peeing in strange places.  So I saddled up to a jar that must have been a foot and a half wide and two and a half feet tall.  The guy in the uniform was sealing some off and stacking jars onto giant pallets.  I asked what they were going to do with all of the huge jars of urine.  He said that he can't say much about it due to the secrecy, but the bottom line is that they like things in big containers in Costco.  He said it would all make perfect sense some day and that I should just keep peeing.

Don't believe me?  Follow this link for more information.

I saw Roger Waters from Pink Floyd play "The Wall" the Other Night . . .

. . . and here are some thoughts.

1. Roger aged very well into that big face of his, and believe it or not, he is a better looking 65-year-old man than a 25-year-old.

Here he is from the other night

And here he is in the Nineteen Seventies

There were ladies there saying that he looked like Richard Gere.  Yes.  Heart throb and American gigalo Richard Gere.  And these were young and attractive girls saying this.  Girls who would have no idea that back in the day he looked like Georges Muresan.  Of course they didn't know this because few really knew what rockers looked like back then, before the MTV days.  No band will ever make as many amazing records as Pink Floyd for a myriad of reasons, but one is that Roger could just be ugly and make art without people caring what he looked like, what brands he was wearing, or who his date was to the Grammies. 

(This guy didn't put out "Animals in 1977, but he is 7'7" and uglier than just about any animal.)

2. The show was at Wrigley Field, which is where the Cubs play and my favorite place on planet earth, so how could I miss the guy from my favorite band in my favorite place?  One thing you may know about me is that I love a good urinal trough.  What I noticed is that a lot of the people there were not the usual ballgame crowd, so they were shy and waiting for the stalls.  No way all those fellas had to go poop - they just didn't want to join in the trough fun.

Gross, yes.  But more efficient.  

3. During ''Young Lust," the one about him figuring out his wife was cheating on him so he decided to bang every groupie he could get his hands on, they showed very hot and naked women on a giant screen.  As a man in a long-distance relationship, it was all I could do to stop myself from flying in my girlfriend that very night.  Earlier in the show a bunch of little kids sang the chorus for "Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2," and my partner in crime that night, James Douglass Morison, said, "I hope those kids aren't still here.  They're all going to get their first wood tonight."


(She's naked right about 2:35)

4. When "Run Like Hell" was playing it reminded me of when I ran my first race as an adult.  I believe it was only 5 miles, but that was really hard for me back then because I was a long haired doughy guy who rarely worked out.  While running the race, my long stupid hair flopping around in a stupid pony tail, they played "Run Like Hell" over the loud speaker, and I just remember clapping along and feeling really good.  So, among all the other reasons I have to thank Roger and the remaining, surviving members of Pink Floyd, I can thank them for getting me into running, the thing that keeps me sane, where I can think straight, and put my universe back in order.  Thanks for everything, Floyd.

Old Style Beer and the Old Style of Peeing

Wrigley Field announced that it will stop carrying Old Style and replace it with, rumor has it, Coors Light. This is a tragedy. Yes, Old Style tastes like liquid ass, but it's a man's beer - it tastes like a beer. Bitter, gross, and like diesel fuel - it tastes like when your dad gave you a sip of beer when you were seven and you wanted to puke.

Now, Old Style used to be a quarter or fifty cents cheaper, but then it became the same price. Once it became the same amount of money, the only time one opted for the Dog Pile (as it's sometimes known as) is when the Bud beer vendor hadn't been to your section in a while. It's not like I'm going to miss the taste of the beer too much, but taking away Old Style is kind of like taking away tradition. A nasty, skunky tradition that I treasured and something that has been a part of the ballpark for as long as I can remember.

If you're anything like me, and I hope for your sake you're not, this is making you worry that they will take away other mainstays, like the trough-style urinals. I started a Facebook group to keep the troughs in Wrigley around a year ago, and we have built a robust number of seven people who are willing to put their name on a movement to keep peeing in something horses eat out of.

With your help, we can get over 10 people . . .

Click these words to join the movement.

On a First Date, Don't Talk About Any Exes, and Don't Talk About Pissing Yourself

Finding myself single and reentering the dating scene has been equal parts weird, embarrassing, fun, exciting, awful, and scary. However, nothing has been quite as bad as a story a friend of mine recently relayed to me (same friend as this post).

Apparently, she had her first phone conversation with a guy from a dating site, and he asked her what her most embarrassing moment was. She said that she couldn't really think of one off the top of her head, and she asked what his would be. This is the time where, on their first conversation, mind you, he decided it would be a good idea to tell her about the time he was on a date with a girl where they were watching a very long movie, and he had to pee really bad but didn't want to miss anything - so he pissed his pants. Surprisingly, the girl on that date never called him again.

It gets worse. On my friend's date with this guy, he told yet another story in which he was at a bar with a long line for the bathroom, and he pissed his pants on that occasion too. Wow.

Anyone want to share an embarrassing date story? I'll level with you guys, since we're all friends here: I went on a date with a girl where there was free beer at a bar involved, somehow, and when she showed up I had maybe a little too good of a free buzz going. She said she had to go to the bathroom and disappeared. Maybe she was just scared she was falling in love with me. Right? That was my understanding of it.