Bands Women Hate

When it comes to couples and music, some is meant to listen to together, and I bet you and that special someone have songs that you dance the night away to or scream out the open windows during a road trip with one another.  But then there are others that us men need to hear on our own.  You don't want her to like that band, and you never would in your wildest dreams expect her to.  That band is just for you.

I conducted extensive research through surveying numerous men of all ages* to see which bands women hate the most.  Now, outright metal is not on then the list would just be dominated by metal, and we wouldn't learn anything from that.  Of course women don't like metal, and the ones that do are often scary and we don't want to date them.  If she can beat the tar out of me in a pit, then I tend to get scared off.  What I set out to do here is to try to find the bands that are hated by women not because they are too heavy for them, but because they annoy them for some other reason.  This way we could find the common factors of non-metal bands that are loved primarily by men.  

I conducted a study in which I played one of the top nine bands (in no particular order) that the men have determined to be disliked universally by females, and I recorded Mrs. Noisewater's reactions to them.  Here is what I discovered.

DISCLAIMER: I got midway through this project and thought that I am really generalizing and making assumptions a lot with a list like this.  And assigning gender stereotypes to music is kind of wrong.  I know this.  But I finished anyway because I was halfway through, and if I keep giving up on stupid projects like this, then I'll never finish any of my stupid projects.

1. Ween are so damn weird that when you're listening to them and someone else pops in they're like "Just what in the hell is this weird-ass stuff?"  They play stuff that is very strange at first, but eventually that weirdness is . . . it's just Ween.  There was no one else like them.  Some songs are too obnoxious even for fans of the band, but then other times it's just genius.  They have tons of songs that are in a wide variety of genres where Gene Ween sings entirely different for every song so that you can sneak them on without anyone knowing it's Ween.  Then they got entire albums worth of stuff like the song listed below that is unmistakably Ween.  And pretty darned annoying to the unconditioned ear.
Sample Song: "Big Jilm" by Ween.  

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "Halloween music and farting. Happy farts."

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "I don't like it."

2. If you watch the concert video below you will see an arena filled with 95% dudes.  This is because women very rarely like Rush.  I think they have the perfect storm of elements rarely appreciated by female listeners: They're heavy, they're ugly (well the singer is.  He looks like a chicken), they sing in falsetto, and they play progressive music.  And then guys get together and air drum the hell out of their songs, and that doesn't exactly draw women into the band.  
Sample Song: "YYZ" by Rush

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "It sounds like a a promotional video for a gym with guys cycling and doing x-games stuff.

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: It's okay.

3. Steely Dan has the jazz type of vibe that doesn't seem to do it for everyone.  I think there are a song or two that made it big on classic rock radio that infiltrated female audiences, but it's pretty rare that you find a hardcore female Steely Dan fan.  Jerry Seinfeld really likes these guys, and he is man.  Okay, it's true.  I have zero basis for anything on this list . . .
Sample Song: "Peg" by Steely Dan. 

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "Sounds like bad wedding music.  Or maybe Romantic comedy background music.  

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "Is this Michael McDonald?" - I think that is not a favorable review.

4. Prog rock bands just seem to be a dude thing, and Yes played just about the most pretentious music you could find.  Just look at the clip below: How many keyboard players are on that stage?  Three?  But I have the "Yes Album" and "Fragile" on vinyl, and they're both amazing.  Oh, also, Rick Wakeman wore weird cloaks like a wizard, and Dungeons & Dragons outfits aren't exactly pussy magnets.

Sample Song: “Heart of the Sunrise” by Yes
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: This is the band where your friend wants you to go with to see them and the plays has a bunch of weird-looking dudes bobbing their heads.  

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "Meh."

5. The progressive thing seems to be a very common thread in these bands, and Frank Zaapa also had the weird factor going on, like Ween listed above.  Like Ween, he also has mysoginist lyrics that additionally push the females away.  Then again, Frank's wife did make quilts out of the panties thrown on stage during shows, I am told, so apparently chicks dug him at some point in his career.  I just haven't met any.
Sample Song: "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow" by Frank Zappa

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: This is also like background music, but it’s too annoying to be in the background.  I need to put on a big flowey skirt and dance around with hippies.

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "When is this game over?" - I think that means she hates it.

6. Grunge rock was huge with men and women alike in the early to mid 90's with bands like Pearl Jam and Nirvana, but Alice In Chains seemed to be bigger with the fellas.  Perhaps it was that they played music that was a little heavier and really, really depressing.  Those songs that make you want to do tons of heroin until you die don't bring loads of babes to your shows, but it is terrific on vinyl on a rainy afternoon.
Sample Song: "Over Now" by Alice In Chains

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: “Why are they playing “Taps?  Is this Alice N’ Chains!?  You know I hate Alice n’ Chains!  

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "They sound like a bunch of whining teenage girls."

7. Tool played music that was heavy and progressive, and we are learning that those are sure fire attractions to dudes and dudes only.  They also had videos with disgusting imagery of weird demon-like beings doing gross shit.  I still don't like to watch that part in the "Sober" video where the monster guy opens up the pipe to find a giant bloody worm crawling through, and he touches it!

Sample Song: "Parabola" by Tool

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: This makes me want to slit my wrist.  I want to drink a bottle of whiskey and cry in the corner.  This is Tool!  It sounds like an insane asylum.  It would drive me to an insane asylum and then I would throw that bottle of whiskey into someone’s face!

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: I knew she hates Alice N' Chains and Tool more than any other bands, so if I could have done it again I wouldn't have had them right in a row like this.  She almost quit at this point, but I talked her into sitting through the last two clips . . .(skip to 4:45 to bypass the intro)

8. I suppose Dio is the most clearly heavy metal band on the list, and I was supposed to be avoiding metal bands.  However, I did include him because of all his lyrics about dragons, sorcery, and witches.  That's not subject matter that the ladies like to rock out to and sing with their girls.  Or is it? See below . . .
Sample Song: “Rainbow in the Dark” by Dio

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "I kind of want to dress up like a slut and dance with my girlfriends."

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "I like this one!"

9. AC/DC sang thinly veiled sexual innuendo rockers like "Big Balls" and "Sink the Pink."  Do women like that?  If I overheard an attractive woman singing "Sink the Pink," I would be pretty surprised.  And frisky.  But, now that I think of it, I can remember seeing a lot of concert footage of women lifting up their shirts and showing boobs and AC/DC shows.  Still, they're a pretty dude heavy band if you ask me.  
Sample Song: “Let Me Put My Love Into You” by AC/DC

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "This is a song you would hear before a sports game.  It’s like a sports pump up song."

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "It sounds like AC/DC."  That's actually a genius assessment because that is exactly what can be said of all AC/DC songs whether you like them or not.  

What do you think of the list, friends?  I have nine bands so I could really use your help to find that tenth . . .

________________________________________

*I group texted two friends who are around the same age as me.  That was the extent of the research.

Updates. More Damn Updates.

1. Published Buddy:

 Here's a picture of me reading a long time blog buddy of mine, Mr. Shife's, book.  He asked that his people take pictures like this, but then he said he was doing too much promoting and felt weird about it.  Well, I will promote for him so that he gets the massive influx of my 7 readers over to his site.  It's the least I could do.  We have never met in person, but through blogging all these years, it's like we're close friends.  I couldn't be more happy to say that he is a published author.  

I thought the glasses on the end of the nose would make me look smarter.  Just made look older and nerdier.

2. Ancient Farts

And here is a picture that has been on my laptop for months now.  I forget where I found it, but it is from ancient China or Japan or somewhere, and it illustrates that try as you might, you have to admit that farts are funny in any time period or any distant land.  

3. Type O Is the Awesome Type

It has been so long since I have been really passionate about a band.  I guess the last time would be when I got way into Kyuss around 5 years ago or so.  I just recently started listening to Type O Negative on a daily basis.  I listen to them at the gym, in the car, and late at night when I come home drunk.  That last listening session scenario isn't too popular with Mrs. Noisewater.  Type O struck that perfect balance of being heavy, funny, emotional, evocative, and just brilliant.  And the more you read about the late Peter Steele, the more you love him.  

I read one story where he overdosed,  and when the doctors asked him what he was addicted to, he said "Cocaine, heroin, and redheads."  The doctors then asked his band mates what type of drugs redheads were, and his good friends and fellow band members just laughed.  Some of you may have noticed that the top 10 nude scenes podcasts I published on this blog a few weeks back all had Type O Negative music in the background.  This was for no reason, really.  They're just a great band.  

4. Coach Noisewater's Breakthrough Game:

The girls volleyball team I coach this season seemed to always show up to games and clam up, play all tight, and not give it their all.  All season it has been frustrating because practicing with them, I know what they're capable of.  I take this hard because I'm kicking myself wondering what I'm doing wrong.  What could I have done to get these girls more mentally prepared?  Well, tonight they pulled it all together and played their tails off like I knew they always could.  Tomorrow at practice it's all about letting them know that playing like that is how they need to play from now on.  Always.  Approach the game like that and do everything like that.  Work your butt off and control your own destiny.  That's what it's all about, friends.  

Talk to you again soon, blog buddies young and old . . .

The Crummiest Band to Ever Play a Wedding Reception

For some reason, whenever I am at a wedding reception I always think back to all the other ones I have been to; the best and the worst moments.  Without question, the worst wedding band of all time goes to the reception after the wedding of my good friend, Omega Supreme.

Omega is a 6'5" African American fella who is now happily married to a wonderful 6 foot plus white woman.  They are going to have some giant children whom I hope play for the Chicago Bears, be they male or female.    Now, Omega let me know beforehand that he wasn't too happy about his bride-to-be booking her cousin's band for the occasion, but there was just no getting her to bend on that issue.

The band was not very talented, or perhaps they just haven't rehearsed in a while, and they had a random trumpet player who would sneak horn playing into songs whether the song called for it or not.  They also jammed out self indulgent solos through out the songs, which wasn't really necessary and made the already poorly chosen songs longer and even harder to dance to.  What was perhaps the most uncomfortable part was that they were very, very white.  They only song I can remember them playing was "Hey Ya" by Outkast, a song that was around ten years old at the time, but it seems as if they played it in an attempt to get the Black people out on the dance floor.  But to be honest, the white folks weren't dancing to anything either.

This is not a picture of the actual band, and if this is your band, I'm sorry to use you to be the visual for the worst band ever, but you kind of deserve it.  

When the band would take one of their frequent breaks, the groom would run over to the speakers, plug in his iPod full of awesome songs, and people of all colors, shapes, and sizes would dance their faces off.  Then the band would set back up, and it was like your parents coming home when you were throwing a bash while they were out and the fun is very much all over.  Everyone would go back to their seats or back to the bar.

I was chatting with Omega Supreme over a Budweister, and for some reason I was singing "to the window . . . to the wall!"  And he said to me, in this funny intentionally whining voice that he does sometimes, "Dr. Ken, youknow I want to hear the "to the window to the wall song."  But it was not to be.  The worst wedding band of all time continued their rain of terror well into the evening, but with enough shots of Jameson and enough stories about old times, we still had a great time.


How about you, Seven Readers?  You got a best or worst element of a wedding ceremony or reception?

Latino Orville Redenbacher

I was at a bar a couple weekends ago, and I was randomly having beers with a guy who owned a pet store in the neighborhood.  He was funny as hell and talked a lot about playing on a men's hardball league three or four nights a week.  Another guy saddled up to the bar right between us in an old school suit, bow tie, and a mustache (I hate when people do that).  Pet Store Guy said to him, "Who the hell are you?  Latino Orville Redenbacher?"  I laughed my ass off because I just love it when people peg the exact person someone looks like, especially when it's a goofy mash up combo of people like this one.

Now just Latino-zize him, and you would see what I saw.

Also, I stole this game from over at Dr. Zibb's page (Check him out; he's funny.  We must hit it off because we're both blog doctors): What you do is post a band's photo and the readers say who all the guys look like.  I'll pick the best/funniest answers for each band member for a master list.  And here we go . . .

And you can't say they look like Journey.  Or they look like dorks.  

Let's Play Guess Their Day Job!

I was at a concert last night, and there was a series of openers, one of which had the most eclectic-looking group you could ever see. I defy anyone to find a band where each individual has their own distinct look, and comes from such a wide variety of different age brackets, shapes and sizes.

I was at the show with my girlfriend, Law School Dropout (LSD), and a good friend of mine, Southie. All of us started playing the Guess Their Day Job Game, and the following is the consensus.

Drummer: LSD decided this guy's name was Merv, and we couldn't argue with that. He was bald, overweight, looked to be in his late forties, presented as a cross between Butterbean (only much thinner than that) and Larry Bud Melman, and he he on tinted glasses. I also thought he looked like one of those fat babies on Maury Povich, especially with the funny slack jawed, fly-catching face he made with his head slightly cocked through out his playing.





His Profession: Southie decided he was a school bus driver. Nailed it.










Bass Player: As you can see from the actual band shot below, this guy looks a lot like Ogre from "Revenge of the Nerds," but as Southie points out, he looks like he may have been a love child between Ogre and Kerry King from Slayer. This man is absolutely enormous and looks to be very active in a biker game full of marauders, so I really, really hope he never finds this blog for my safety's sake.



His Profession: He makes the majority of his money selling drugs and assault rifles to other biker gangs, but for tax purposes, Southie maintains that he cleans shoes at the bowling alley.






Keyboardist: I liked this guy because there were very few songs where you could hear his keyboard, and I just got the sense that he is always pushing the band to go in a more progressive direction like Yes or Deep Purple. He had that hair that is long in the back in bald in the front like Klaus Meine from The Scorpions, and he had on a 70's shirt buttoned down with nothing underneath. He was very short as well, which made him look a little like the second half of the life of the late great Dio.





His Profession: He is an insurance claims adjuster, but he produces the band's records in his home studio (his basement), along with local high school and college bands, for whom he also supplies with home grown marijuana, another source of income. He's doing quite well for himself!






Lead Guitarist: Now, when I say this band has people from all across the board, this guy is a prime example because he was way younger and more attractive than the rest of the band. He would be getting any chick showing interest in the band. Maybe on a good night the singer could land some of his run off, but the rest of the band would be hoping for the older bar flies to get on - and there were a few of that night - good luck, Merv! The lead guitarist also had a quite good physique, including some very nice arms, so again, I really hope these guys don't find this blog entry. Actually, though he played with a game face for the duration of the set, he was actually very nice and all smiles afterwards. LSD found his phone on a bench, and he was extremely grateful. Man, am I huge dick for making fun of these guys?

His Profession: We considered pool boy, but how many of those are there, really? LSD decided he was a construction worker, I'm thinking from 7AM to 3PM, and then he gives guitar lessons, showing young hopefuls the joys of the power chords and drop D's. But mostly trying to nail his students' mothers in the process. (There are no pictures because he had no celebrity twins).

Singer: Now, this is really the guy that got us looking for celebrities that they looked like because he had the exact hair and facial hair of Frank Zappa. I really hope he's in a Zappa cover band, having that look and being able to sing and play guitar well. LSD was quite jealous of his thick, lustrous hair, but I reminded her that he probably doesn't wash it much, which is the trick. Think about it: How many bald homeless guys do you see?

His Profession: Although he also looks a little like Otto from "The Simpsons," bus driver is now already taken by the lovely Merv, so for the singer, we're going with manager at Jiffy Lube. I can just see him pulling that mane into a pony tail and going to work, and I can see him being an honest mechanic, not encouraging his employees to rip people off, despite the heat he gets from corporate to do so. However, Frank-Zappa-Guy has been doing well at his location by getting regulars through his charm that spreads down to his hard-working and dependable employees.

And, here is the pic of the whole band, taken by the lovely and talented LSD:


I hope you enjoyed this, Seven Readers, and I encourage you to try this upon your next visit to a rock concert. However, make sure you get there for the openers, as the headlines may not need the day jobs, unless it's all cover bands, which makes for a really good time for this game.