I'm watching all the Star Wars movies with my eldest of two sons, Erik. I was going to wait until he was a  little older to delve into the films because of some of the violence, like Obi Wan lopping that pig faced dude's arm clean off in A New Hope with blood everywhere, but the night of the Capitol insurrection I had a few to many coping drinks in me and just said to him, "You want to watch Star Wars instead of all this news?" He has a few Star Wars books and knows that we have not watched the films due to the violence so he capitalized on my moment of weakness and gave me an emphatic yes! 

Here are a couple of interesting thoughts Erik had about the movies:

1. "Fin and Rey. Those are both ocean names."

2. "Chebacca's hugs are soft.

3. When Erik gets pissed off and snaps and throws stuff and hits his little brother, I remind him that Kilo Ren does that sort of thing when he gives into the Dark Side and his fits of rage. He also ends up killing his own father, which I'm totally not cool with and make a point of drilling that into Erik as being a not-so-good thing to do.

So the other day when we are getting into the car in the morning, while Erik is crabby about God know what, I'm reminding him how he needs to take deep breaths so that he doesn't give into his anger like Kilo Ren, Erik says, "But Darth Vader uses the Dark Side, and he takes deep breaths." Damn it. He's got me. I tried to explain that Darth's sounds of deep breaths are the machines keeping him alive due to his injuries in the molten hot lava and not at all a coping skill to avoid angry outbursts, but I was tired in the morning, he had me, so I just said "Yeah. You got me there. Let's go to school,"

 This week's film discussion group is about Point Break (1991). I was shocked to see this choice, but I guess my friend who runs the group wanted to do a female directed movie and knows the woman who did it. I did my homework today and watched it for the first time since probably 1995. Here are some thoughts I had.

1. Keanu Reeves plays Johnny Utah, an undercover FBI agent who played quarterback for Ohio State in the Rose Bowl a few years prior. His first case is going undercover to bust surfers who rob banks disguised as "The Ex Presidents," Reagan, Carter, Nixon, and LBJ. They skipped Ford, so maybe it's the four most recent elected presidents? That just wouldn't be as catchy.

2. There are at least two hair metal songs on the soundtrack, Ratt and L.A. Guns. The movie came out in 1991. Had it come out in 1992 there would have been zero hair metal songs. That's how swiftly Kurt Cobain and the rest of the grunge bands eradicated those bands from the face of the planet. But you have some crossover in the film from one band who would take things over because Anthony Kiedes from the Red Hot Chili Peppers appears as a member of another criminal surfing gang who would be mistaken for the bank robbing ones. There is a scene where he is shooting up, and he probably didn't need a whole lot of direction to know how to do that properly.

3. Another cameo is by Tom Sizemore. Remember him? He had a very promising career and then I think he chose heroin over acting. Two heroin points in a row - not intentional. The last I heard from him he was romantically linked to Heidi Fleiss, The Hollywood Madam. To his credit, his acting was excellent in the scene that he is in. 

4. I also really liked Gary Bussey as Johnny Utah's partner. You forget just how good an actor he was because of what a parody of himself he became in his later years. Watch him in Lethal Weapon to see just what a bad ass he was in his day. 

5. It is a film that is exciting, it has some incredibly shot and choreographed action sequences, and then you have Reeves pretty terrible acting and some completely implausible leaps of faith that one must take. Once you just have a good laugh at the acting and remember that none of this things could really happen, it's a hell of a good time. In fact, I think I would argue that it is the best bad movie of all time. 

6. There is a scene where a bad guy is trying to shove Keanu's face into a running lawnmower, his skin less than an inch away, and it is done so well that I was squirming and screaming, even though I knew his chissled jawline would never make contact. 

7. One of the other great sequences comes when Johnny Utah is chasing Bodhi, the Ex Presidents' leader, who wears the Reagan mask, portrayed beautifully by the late Patrick Swazye. Bodhi is in the process of lighting the getaway car on fire to dispose of evidence via making a torch out of the pump. When Utah tackles him, Bodhi is lit on fire and is running away from the FBI agent he most certainly recognizes as that man he thought was his friend. After putting the fire out on his tux while running, he then runs through a series of houses and backyards, a lot like Ferris Bueller, only higher stakes. At one point Utah chases him through a back door and the second he gets out of the front door, Bodhi chucks an angry dog in his face. I mean, it's just a goddamn fun movie, people.

8. What ever happened to Lori Petty? She plays the love interest of Utah, one of Bodhi's former girlfriends who teaches Utah to surf and introduces him to Bodhi and his gang. I don't think she ever had the leading lady status because she never really had the classic leading lady beauty, but she works well in this film. Of course, everyone looks like an acting champ opposite Reaves. But here's the thing, would we want anyone but Reaves in the role of Utah? No way. Once you have seen it once or twice, some of those poorly delivered lines become perfect. Anyway, I never heard from Lori after League of Their Own and Tank Girl. I remember Ice Tea portraying a rat faced guy in Tank Girl, right?

9. The things that were hard for me to get passed as a teenager and remain crazy to me as an old dude are the ones where Utah and the Ex Presidents continue to hang out when they know that they are bank robbers and the undercover guy trying to bust them, respectively. And then when Bodhi throws his gun across the plane and jumps out of the airplane, Utah jumps after him knowing he has no parachute of his own! He just grabs his gun, jumps, and glides over to Bodhi and latches onto him. Now that's really wanting to get your man at any cost. Give that man a promotion!

10. And it ends with the classic move of the cop throwing his badge, in this case into the ocean. We don't know if Bodhi dies from that monster wave he has been waiting his whole life for, we don't know what Utah will do next career wise, and none of that really matters. Just cue that Ratt song that never became that one last hit they would need to pour into their savings when Cobain crushed their careers, and role credits. 

What say you, Seven Readers? Ever seen the movie? Any other insights you have? Any other topics that you think I should bring up in tonight's discussion? Do you like surfing? If so, is it as spiritual of an event as Swayze has so perfectly convinced me, worth robbing banks, killing people for? 

Father's Day For Me and a Sort of Famous Raccoon

The other day I'm reading a "Ranger Rick" magazine to my son. Remember those? That thing has been around since at least the 1980's because I read it as a kid. My mom got my son a subscription to that and Highlights. Remember "Hilights," reading that thing cover-to-cover and finding those hidden pictures while you waited for what seemed like a week in the dentist's office? A lot of thinks are gone from when we were kids, but some are hanging in there. Anyway, for the Father's Day edition, old Rick had a thing about animal dads in the wild that do nice things for their young. I like to think Rick the little raccoon guy on the cover types these articles up himself. Probably has an attractive young badger lady for a secretary that he fools around with when he is working late on an important piece such as the Father's Day edition. And that's kind of sad to him on his ride home back to his wife and kids, the fact that he is writing this Father's Day piece while having an extra marital affair. Maybe that is the night ol' Rick finds baby raccoon Jesus and gets his damn life back on track.

Says he's working late. Again.

In any event, after we read all about a daddy fish that keeping eggs in his mouth, a daddy seahorse keeping eggs in a pouch, and a daddy penguin keeping little penguin eggs warm on his feet (that's the cutest one), a little word bubble says, "What does your dad do for you?" I asked Erik that question and he says, "Oh everything. You talk to me and you play with me . . ." What was really moving about it was that he answered in a manner that suggested he was appalled that I would even have to ask such a thing. So yeah, he made me card which was super cute and all, but he doesn't even know that the best gift was the way he answered that Ranger Rick thing. Poor Rick. I'll pray for him and his family, but not that adulterous Jezebel badger chick. Not her.

Hey, check out Erik Noisewater performing a scene from a movie. Can anyone name it? I think I may say the name of the movie in the video, but still. Let me know what you think about his performance, your favorite kids' periodicals, cheating raccoon husbands, or anything else really in the comments below.

The other day Erik Noisewater was having one of those mornings where he was not at all helpful with the whole getting ready for school process. Everything was a no. He kicked and tried to squirm away as I dressed him, and then in the car he was laughing and straightening out his legs, intentionally making it impossible to buckle him into his car seat. I said, "Erik Noisewater, you're going to make me late and get me fired." Perhaps that was a touch dramatic on my end and not entirely fair to blame a toddler - I could have always gotten up 10 minutes earlier.

This is when he said, in a teasing voice, "Someone's going to get fi-red."

I stopped dead in my tracks and wondered why in the hell he would say such a thing to me, even if I deserved it.

A few minutes later on our drive it dawned on me that it was a quote from "Bumblebee," a Transformers movie that he has seen 9 times, and he applied the quote to the perfect circumstances. In the scene the female main star is working at a shop at the amusement park when she accidentally spills a tray of sodas all over the handsome popular guy's shirt. He doesn't even seem mad about it, and in fact sees it as a great opportunity to take his shirt off and show off his chiseled abs. However, evil popular blond blog girl says to her, "Someone's going to get fi-red." Later in the movie evil popular blond girl also teases her about her father being dead. I was kind of hoping Bumblebee would run her over, but he does stomp on her car, smushing it up like an accordion. So good enough. For now.

No, there aren't any love scenes - before you ask.

Bumblebee is actually an enjoyable film; the only of the live action ones worth watching in my opinion. It actually has a great soundtrack since it takes place in the 1980's. The girl's favorite band is The Smiths, so that was a pleasant surprise.

Be good, friends. And remember, sometimes when a kid gives you some shit, you just have to laugh and remember that you just may have had it coming.

Two Daddy Things and One Not Daddy Thing

1. I like that thus far Baby Noisewater is not too obsessed with the television. Something will catch his eye, he will point and get excited, and then he moves onto playing with toys or looking at books. When the local news is on it always seems to be about disasters.

Cut to a train that has gone off the rails with numerous casualties and Erik starts stomping his feet, smiling, and saying "Choo! Choo!"

Then in another neighborhood in Chicago we have a bus accident, and Erik looks my way all wide eyed with a big grin saying, "Bus!"

You can't seem to get through a local news broadcast without a fire somewhere, so Baby Noisewater points and whispers to me "hot." It's adorable how he always whispers that one with a cautionary tone. His nanny taught him that word and says it's the most important word to teach a baby.

The point is that it is, of course, tragic what is happening all over our fine city every day, but Erik has no concept of that aspect. It's not like he is hoping for these tragedies to happen, but he is certainly pumped when he sees some of his favorite stuff. All he knows is that he loves trains, buses, and to warn people about hot stuff. The young man has a way of lightening the mood anywhere he goes, and that's one thing we dig about him around here. I'm not saying he should be part of the news team on a little split screen throwing in his two cents on channel seven, but I'm not NOT saying it.

Figured I'd choose a picture with zero chance of anyone saying, "Too soon."

2. My wife pointed out that this rag I call my blog is steadily becoming a dad blog, and in a lot of ways she is right. But before I move onto something else, one more thing about a children's book I have been reading a million-gizzilion times, "Green Eggs and Ham." And incidentally, a good parenting tip is to learn to paraphrase books after a while. You can really just point out one quick thing on each page and move on if that bed time is quickly approaching or if you're just plain sick of reading the same book for the umpteenth time. After a while I'm like the magician in one of my favorite Patton Oswald bits.



I got thinking about old Sam-I-Am in "Green Eggs and Ham," and that dude really should get some sort of lifetime achievement award in the area of sales. You take a customer who absolutely hates green eggs and ham, and this persistent little fellow tries every angle under the sun to see if there is a scenario where his customer will like his product, be it in a plane, a train, in a tree, or with a goat. The goat always gets me. How is eating something I hate with a stinky-ass goat sweetening the deal? It just goes to show you that to make a tough sale you got to try every angle. That's what made him the G.O.A.T. salesman. Get it?

3. Mrs. Noisewater and I were watching "Love Actually" around Christmas time, and I thought of a terrific porno version. Are you ready for it? I mean, it's a little gross, but it's funnier than hell. I couldn't share it on social media because people are so damned easily offended these days, but I'll share it with you fine folks because you're my kind of people. "Love Anally, Starring Colin Girth."

Here's a dashing shot of Colin Firth. Wonder what his  thoughts would be on my new spin on his old film?

And I leave you with that. Two potentially boring daddy things if you're not into that and one porno thing. Can't please everyone. Have a fine day, my friends.

I Guess I'm Mad Max?

I got this late night hamburger joint with awesome burgers, and it's right by my house.  During a long night of drinking, Auto Pilot Dr. Ken directs his taxi cab driver to pull right up to that place.  I then grab my sack of burgers, walk home, and find a good movie to watch on Netflix.

The other night I went in there with Mrs. Noisewater, and the lady at the counter said, "Oh, hey Mad Max!"  Evidently I was in there one night telling her that I was going to watch a "Mad Max" film that night whilst consuming burgers.  I was astonished that she had never heard of the one and only Mad Max, post apocalyptic hero in a world fighting over precious oil.  I didn't ask much more about our conversation that night because Mad Max (that's me) was a little embarrassed.  

I never understood how those marauders in the Mad Max films found oil such a precious and dwindling commodity, yet they built giant V8 monstrosities and just went around cruising, looking for trouble in their S & M outfits.  You would think they would only drive somewhere when they absolutely had to.  I guess the more I think about it, marauding S & M types wouldn't likely be conservationists.

Anyway, I really do have to slow down on the drinking and late night eating.  All those burgers and beer are rough on the waist line, and the alcohol could make my mind slower.  What I'm trying to say is that if the apocalypse goes down I'll need to have my mind sharp and look sexy in my leather bondage outfit.

My outfit will likely be like the one second from the left.

Within the span of one day, I learned just how poorly educated some inner city children are through these two situations:

1. The kids were reading Ray Bradbury's "All Summer In a Day," a story in which there are children living on the planet Venus, where it rains every day and the sun never comes out.  One girl, Margaret is fascinated by the sun and spends all her time thinking about it, but the other asshole kids thought it would be funny to lock her in the closet.  And while in the closet she misses that one time the sun actually made an appearance.  Moral of the story: Kids are fricking mean.  Even on other planets.

So back to Chicago, one girl in the class asks, "So are there really schools on Venus?"

The girl that asked this is in the 7th grade, so roughly 13-years-old.  I had to just answer the question and let her no that there isn't any life on Venus or on any other planet other than Earth in our solar system.  But you know, it's good she asked because now she knows.  It's totally not her fault that her parents somehow raised her thinking there are schools on the planet Venus.

2. Some 5th graders (around 10-years-old) were talking about the movie "Friday."  I said to them that it's wild that a movie from 1995 is still popular with them.  One girl said, "No, it's not from 1995.  Then why is it in color?"

Wow.  She actually thinks all movies made before roughly 2000 were black and white.

Again, the only way to handle this is to just clear that up for her without making anyone feel stupid.  They're just kids, after all.  Both pretty great kids that just need more people around them being better examples, making them read, and having conversations with them about things other than reality television.

There's still hope, people.  Maybe we just need to be more progressive like those schools on Venus . . .

Top 10 Nudey Scenes of All Time Is Complete!

At long last, Crom and myself are ready to present to you the Top 10 Nudey Scenes of All Time list.

First off, Crom and myself each brought to the table our own lists.  We each discussed what we liked about the scenes and our memories of them.

10. Dr. Ken: Hale Barry in “Monsters Ball”

      Crom: Accidental Call Girl in “Demolition Man.”

9. Dr. Ken: Jane Fonda in “Barbarella”

    Crom: Cindy Morgan in “Caddyshack.”

8. Dr. Ken: Joyce Hyser in “Just One of the Guys”

    Crom: Brooke Shields in “Blue Lagoon”

7. Dr. Ken: Shower Woman and Rodney Dangerfield in "Back To School"

    Crom: 3 Boob Woman in “Total Recall”

6. Dr. Ken: Rosie Perez in “White Men Can’t Jump.”  

    Crom: Linda Kolazowski in “Crocodile Dundee"

5. Dr. Ken: Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times."  

    Crom: Duck Boobs in “Howard the Duck.”

4. Dr. Ken: 'We Have Bush!' from "Revenge of the Nerds"

    Crom: A bunch of ladies in “Porky’s” 

3. Dr. Ken: Rosario Dawson in  “Alexander” 

    Crom: Cartoon Boobies in "Heavy Metal"

2. Dr. Ken: "The Godfather" Michael's first time with Sicily wife.

    Crom: Topless Random Woman in “Airplane.”

1. Dr. Ken: Heather Graham as Roller Girl in "Boogie Nights"

    Crom: Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High."

You can watch and listen to us discuss each of our personal top tens here and here.  

We then compiled our master list by discussing which we collectively thought were the best.  There were also some late arrivals that weren't in either of our lists.  

And now, behold, the Best Nudey Scenes of All Time!  Hats off to Crom for putting the graphics and pictures together right on cue.  

Or if you don't have the patience for pretty awesome podcasts, here's final list:

----------------------------------------------------------------

10. "The Godfather" Michael's first time with Sicily wife.

9. Cindy Morgan in “Caddyshack.”

8. Cartoon Boobies in "Heavy Metal"

7. Jane Fonda in “Barbarella”

6. A bunch of ladies in “Porky’s” 

5. Topless Random Woman in “Airplane.”

4. Mud Wrestlers and John Candy in "Stripes."

3. We Have Bush!' from "Revenge of the Nerds"

2. Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times."

1. Heather Graham as Roller Girl in "Boogie Nights"

I like Pretty Woman.  I'm ready to admit it.  If you have been with me for a long, long time then you know that I also like "Flashdance."  I guess that both are 80's, or 80's'ish, films about working class gals getting with rich, good-looking dudes.  They are both far-fetched for sure.  One is a smoking-hot steel worker who is looking for her shot as a dancer.  The other is a street-walking hooker who lands a business mogul for a few weeks.

These are both stupid movies.

But I can't turn them off.

The women are both unbelievably hot and both have long curly hair.  I like that.  And both movies kind of suck in terms of dialogue, plot, and most everything that makes a movie good.

Yet, somehow both movies are good.

So, do you like either of these movies or both, Seven Readers?

Betting On Cow Poop. Because Why Not? That's Why.

I was out with a buddy the other night who says that at the small college he attended in California they apparently bet on cow poop.  My understanding is they send a cow out onto a field, and people bet money on which square foot of land the cow will choose to shit on.  So, it's kind of like craps.  No, it's more like roulette in format, but it does involve crap.

But hold on.  I got lots of questions.

     1. Could you bet on two to four squares that the cow could crap on at once, seeing as cow pies can be quite big.

     2. Do you think all the people hollering at the cow could make her clam up and tighten up her sphincter, thus messing up the game?

     3. Would if the cow releases all of its payload before it is sent out into the betting field?

     4. What is this game called?

     5. Do you think they put a little visor on the cow like a roulette dealer?  Because that would be adorable.

Unfortunately I haven't had any of these questions answered due to my buddy's only vague recollections of this practice and there seemingly being nothing about it on the internet.  Please let me know in the comments section if you know anything about this.

Also, below is the second installment of the best naked scenes in movie history podcast list that myself and Crom compiled.  We really upped the video production for this one, since we learned more what the hell we're doing.

So, poop and boobs today.  In that order.

Best Nude Scenes Ever #10 through 7

In this first installment, Crom and myself discuss our personal top ten lists, numbers 10 through 7.  Stay tuned to when we finish out lists and come up with a master nudie list.  This is important stuff, people . . .

The GF and I came home drunk on Friday night, and we both wanted to watch a movie.  She popped in "Aladdin," which wouldn't have been my vote, but I'm glad I watched it again because it's still funny, the songs are good, and overall it just holds up well.  Robin Williams could probably have done the performance with 10 less impressions of celebrities that have nothing to do with anything, but beyond that, it's a good time.  The two of us actually sang all the songs loudly, so sorry neighbors.  We actually went into an impromptu a capella "Little Mermaid" song quite loudly, so I'm even more sorry about that.  But yeah, we nailed it.

Also, I have a confession: Back in high school, I was insanely jealous of Aladdin.  Why, you may ask?

Great minds dress alike.

1. He Has a Pet Monkey.  I have always wanted a pet monkey.  Yes, I know that they don't usually make good pets, and sometimes they rip your arm out of its socket or eat all the flesh off of your face, but they're just so darned cute.  Mine would for sure wear the little outfit like Abu, and he would definitely be perched up on my shoulder all the time, turning back flips every now and again, maybe right when I get off a good one-liner, just before I make a dramatic exit . . .



2. He Has a Hot, Exotic-looking Girlfriend With a Perfect (If Not Impossible) Body, and Giant Pretty Eyes.  And she's rich and doesn't dig rich guys.  Back in high school when I was watching this movie, she didn't really need to be any of these things.  Simply being not animated, having a pulse, and willing to sleep with a dork like me would have worked out great.

I don't remember her wearing this

3. The Son of a Bitch Has His Own Flying Carpet.*  Whenever I'm flying through my own powers in a dream, it's the coolest thing ever, and there is this feeling of complete control.  I would say I have had this dream around three times, and it's always incredible.  I'm pissed when I wake up because I know the dream is over and I can't really fly.  The ability to fly would be outstanding.  I could bypass a traffic jam, and then just wrap the carpet around my neck like a scarf and head into my business meting (or more likely the bar).  That or I would stuff it in a brief case so that I look important.  Any way you slice it, I want one of those things.

Okay.  I'm still jealous of that punk.  That street rat . . .

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How about you, readers?  You ever get jealous of a cartoon?  Roger Rabbit also comes to mind.  I was always funny as a kid but couldn't seem to land the giant chested songstress type . . . 

*You will notice that having the magic lamp is not on the list.  I have just seen too many problems with the whole wish thing in all the movies.  He can keep it.  

Do you ever have one of those dreams where if someone didn't mention something to remind you of it, it would be totally lost from your memory forever?  That happened to me tonight when I was out with some friends watching a game 7 in the NHL playoffs for my Chicago Blackhawks where someone made mention of the "Anchorman" sequel.  I was suddenly reminded that last night I had a dream that Ron Burgandy was titty-fucking Veronica Cornerstone.  I wasn't even in the dream - it was actually Will Ferrel and his penis doing that exact sex act and me just watching like in a movie.  In all honesty, even if I wasn't directly involved, it was still pretty hot.

That Guy's Vein Is Kickin'

The other night a friend was saying he was throwing a party at a bar called Fat Pour, and I thought for all the world that he said fat porn.  This got me thinking that I have seen a couple of fan porns.  One night my buddiess from our high school track team decided to get together one night to watch a couple of these disgusting films.  One of our friends worked at a video store, and I think his morbid curiosity got the best of him, staring at those boxes in the little room behind the curtain all those times.  We settled in for a horrifying double feature: "Life in the Fat Lane" and "Fat Liners," both of which were equally gross.  They were just a series of big buff studs taking on really fat women, and one of them, the headliner, was around 800 pounds.  She looked like the Michelin Man.

Every ripple is like a new position in the Kamasutra!

Years later I ran into a guy from the track team who was there that fateful night.  He had long hair and would listen to Nine Inch Nails between races, which is of no consequence, but a fine choice for music, I think.  Anyway, he said, "Do you remember what you said that night that had us all laughing our asses off?"  I could not even wager a guess.  I was a much quieter and shy guy back then, believe it or not, so when I would finally say something, it was usually a doozy.  Apparently what I said when turning away from a close up on a big screen of a guy's wang was "Ugh, that guy's vein is kickin'."

I got an invite from Uncle Al to go to a Replacements night over at Delilah's, a punk bar around the corner from my house, but I was in a shitty depressed mood so I just watched the Replacements documentary that they were going to be showing at the bar in the confines of my own apartment.  I was loving it, but midway through Uncle Al texted me: "Does this thing have any live footage or music from the band or is it just dorks talking about the band?"  It was just fans talking about the band, and I absolutely loved it.

I can sit around talking about music for a lot longer than most, and as it turns out, I can watch other people talk about music for a good while too.  This band meant so much to some of these people, especially those from Minnesota, and one guy pointed out that there is a Replacements song for just about any occasion, from a wedding to a funeral.

Watching this thing, I was thinking of how many bands out of the 100's on my iTunes could I actually sit down and be interviewed about for an hour, and the answer is around 5 or 6.  The band has to really mean something to you to be able to expound passionately for that long.  Even if I know that Bob Dylan and the Beatles are great, what can I say about them that hasn't already been said?  Yeah, three out of those 4 Beatles would be the best songwriter in just about any other band and blah, blah, blah, but someone certainly already pointed that out.  What matters is what that band meant to you at the time you heard them.

It would be great if at this time I wrote a sentence about each one of those 5 or 6 bands, but I'm just too tired right now, so why don't you guys do that and I'll respond with something interesting.

Hit Me Up!

I haven't posted in a while, but here is the thing, I usually wait until I get at least one comment before going to the next one.  Eventually, I had to face the facts that no one cared to comment on Kerry King in Japan or platonic man love.  Now, you would think that would deter me from the topics that yielded zero results, but along comes another man-love post.  Just read the parenthesis if you care to know what in the heck we are talking about in these texts:

Doctor Ken: I am thumping you 16 to 7. (That is a fantasy football score.  I am so rarely winning so thought I would live it up until Sunday).  How is the in-law Thanksgiving?  Buffalo dip? (His wife makes this unbelievable buffalo dip and when she brings it, the container is practically licked clean and nothing else is even close to being done).

HLP: Just got under way: Forgot to make the dip.  How was Thanksgiving/Roadhouse? (I was texting him on Thanksgiving how I was flipping between football and Roadhouse and how I never felt like such a man)

Doctor Ken: That was going swimmingly until my dad demanded football only.  And right before the throat rip! (In "Roadhouse," Swayze, portraying a bad ass bouncer,  rips out the throat of an unruly bar patron.)

Doctor Ken (again): "Who is Mike Jones!"  That just came on.  Great disc.  So many vodka Redbulls back then, like we were subject of some diabolical science experiment. (Back when we were roommates we would listen to a lot of Built To Spill before going out.  There was one disc by this brilliant Idaho band that we got an early leak of where to keep it from being a full on bootleg before the release, the bootleggers would throw in some rapper named Mike Jones pipe in with boisterous "Who is Mike Jones?" every few minutes, usually right at an epic part.  This was annoying for the first few listens, but now he and I actually prefer it that way.)

HLP: "Hit me up!  281 . . ."  That vodka Redbull period took years off of my life expectancy.  (Mike Jones would often leave his phone number in his songs for fans to hit him up, as it were, as you can observe below.)



Doctor Ken: Hahaha.  Yes.  Our hearts are even more pissed off than our livers. (This is when people first started ordering drinks with alcohol and energy drinks, and we thought, because they made us feel so good, that we should just drink them all night.  We only figured out later that you should just have one, maybe two, through out the course of the night when you start to get sleepy.  When you knock those back all night, when you come home, your whole body is super tired except for your heart which has serious palpitations all night long). 

That concludes this texting conversation.  Hope you enjoyed it.  Hey, readers, do you have a friend who makes you laugh out loud consistently when you get a text?

Do You Cast Film Versions of Books When You Read Them?

I almost always do.  Right now I'm reading "A Long Way Down" by Nick Hornby, the story of four people from different walks of life who meet one New Year's Eve when they are all independently about to jump off a building.  They then forge a friendship/pact and decided to keep meeting.  I checked out if a movie is in the works, and sure enough IMDB reports that it is projected to be released in 2013.

I had casted Avril Lavigne as Jess, the foul mouthed, street savy teenager.  I don't recognize the girl they chose, but he looks about right.  Because it's set in England and Toni Collette always seems to play the roles of mousey, shy, housewife types, it's no wonder that the movie casted the same actress as me for the role of Maureen, the middle-aged woman with a severely disabled son.  


Anyone else ever cast flicks like this?  Any examples?  Also, how come there were no comments on my last post?  Was it because I didn't post in so long or did it just suck?


*Yes I know the font changed midway through this post.  I tried everything I could think of and couldn't get it to straighten out.  Screw it.  It's not like anyone pays me to update this thing.  

Sex and the City Part 2, Part 2

In part two of the video commentary over the movie, Crom, Dr. Ken, and Southie really start to get funny, to us anyway.  I think it was the perfect level of a little buzz from a coupla' beers and we hadn't yet gone fully nuts from a long and boring chick-flick. 

Highlights:

1. Southie evidently wanks off at the office sometimes

2. The option of dropping the women of Sex and the City into Afganastan is deemed "an act of war" by Crom.  

3. The boys decide which Ninja Turtle. Golden Girl, A Team, and member of Wu Tang best fits their respective personalities.

4. Due to a rapid change in the appearance of Sarah Jessica Parker, the boys explore the notion of her playing a female Joker in an upcoming "Batman" sequel. 

Check out the Link, let me know what you think in the comments, and stay tuned for the final 2 installments!

LINK!

Sex and the City Part 2, Part 1

At long last, the video podcast of myself, Southie, and Crom doing a commentary over "Sex and the City 2."

Forgive us for some off color jokes, but there was beer flowing, it was long and terrible, and this led to some cabin fever insanity. 147 minute running time!  Why?!

So this is just part one, broken up into around 30 minute clips, available for download or just for watching.  Hope you all enjoy!

Special thanks to Crom for all his hard work on the editing process, and an apology for Southie for his crimes against humanity with his awesomely sick brand of humor.

LINK!

Drunken Weekend Wrap-Up

Friday Night:

I wanted to stay in to save money and avoid too much boozing, so I settled in with a bottle of wine and some NBA basketball. Just when I was so bored that I couldn't even take it anymore, Oats called me up and told me he was in a cab down the street from my house.

He had some friends in town, and they were a good time. We ended up at a 4AM bar, getting hammered, ordering beef sandwiches at Brothers Beef and watching "Glory."

Saturday Night

I watched my 10-year-old nephew crush in his basketball game. I'm proud of the little ginger.  Kid can ball, son! He's aggressive as hell, like on of the Bad Boys on the '88 Pistons. Then we played Pictionary with the whole family, and it was me, grandpa, and 10-year-old versus sister, grandma, and 6-year-old. We blew a huge lead, largely due to the fact that I couldn't draw a convincing enough bum.

My buddy Guile was in town from the suburbs, so he and I met over at HLP's place for cocktailing and dubstep music, a form of music that I need to get my hands on for workouts. Turns out it's also good boozing music.

The idiots dancing outside the liquor store in this clip are dancing to dubstep stuff.

Anyone ever use the autotone application on their iPhone where you can make stupid T-Pain songs from any phrase you say into the phone, picking from various background music? I made a song called "Does it smell like fish?" based on a now famous statement from an East St. Louis stripper who was smoking a cigarette on stage. And not with her mouth . . .

Then we went to Liars Club where I moshed around the room to the Misfits in a Randy "Macho Man" Savage mask that was inexplicably but thankfully at the bar.

Then back at Oats place with Brothers Beef again, only this time watching "28 Days Later," my favorite art house zombie flick, Oats heeded a 4AM booty call. He came home the next morning, already late for work, to find me sleeping in his bed with my shoes on.

Sunday

I stayed in all day and watched City of God with two Italian beef sandwiches, and it only just now dawned on me that they were my 3rd and 4th of the weekend, not to mention like 25 beers. I need some of that dubstep shit and a heavy workout today . . .