Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Gancer's Top 3 Special Ladies

3. Chick From the Original Planet of the Apes.

I think it's because she was really hot, but she couldn't speak. That sounds really sexist and pig-like, but I don't mean it like that. Well, a small part of me means it like that, but really, wouldn't it be cool to fall for someone who couldn't speak? I don't think she would have went for me though, cause while Charlton Heston was saying, "Get your damn hands off me you damn, dirty apes!" I would have been in the next cell saying, "Dude, quit trying to be a bad-ass up in this piece! What do you want to do? Get hit with the fire hose again?" Chicks seem to like the heroic, rebel types and not the complacent, sissy boys. Story of my life.

2. Jennifer Beal's Character in Flashdance.

I could tell you all about how this character is everything that a woman should be, but I already talked about it at length. Read it if you have the time, but only if you have lots of time, because I wrote WAY long-winded posts in those days

1. Cheerleader From Heroes.

Holy jeez! Just look at her!! She's immaculate. I was all ready to grab my long lens and pack my bags to go hide in her shrubbery for a few weeks, when I learned that she is 17 and living with her parents. The girl was born in 1989. 89! I am going to stop talking about her now before someone knocks on my door and arrests me.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

69th Post, Dude!!!

My boy Cherry recently posted the first in a series of helpful hints to get through life, so with out further ado, I'd like to post the first in a series of Dr. Kenneth's Greatest Foot in the Mouth Moments, and this one is knee deep, ladies and gents . . .

I know this guy Darren, who my buddy dubbed Dangerous Darren.  We're all out at a bar and I see a girl who had hooked up with like three people in our circle of friends, one of which may or may not have been your humble narrator. So, I say to Dangerous Darren . . .

Me: "Hey, there goes Ronny talking to The Sure Thing."
Dangerous Darren: What do you mean?
Me: You know, that chick. She's getting around this crew quite nicely. She's getting filled out like an application.*
DD: You know I'm kind of dating her right now, right?
Me: Oh, man, I'm sorry . . . Let me freshen up that cocktail of yours . . .

* I didn't really say this line, but it's funny, huh?

Sunday, November 19, 2006

As I Walked Up To the Counter at Taco Bell I Heard . . .

. . . the fat, Black woman working the register say, "I've been bending over too much at Taco Bell and not enough at home."

I put my hands up in the air as if to say, "Holy shit!" All she could say was "sorry," but it was nothing to be sorry about. In fact, it may have been the funniest thing I've heard in weeks, and I wish that you could have seen it. Maybe this picture of Nell Carter will help you get a visual . . .

Saturday, November 11, 2006

I'm Really Pissed at Somebody

Have you ever been so mad at someone that you picture various ways of torturing him/her? The mode of choice for inflecting intense pain upon the rat bastard I have in mind involves laying his nuts on a cutting board and pounding them out flat with a meat tenderizer like a couple of chicken breasts.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

The 2 Bite Wonder

When I was grocery shopping tonight I saw some cartoon character popsicles, and I got thinking of one of the most legendary events ever to happen in a grade school lunch, ever, anywhere in the country.

A kid in my 5th or 6th grade class ate a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar in two bites. If you'll recall, Mickey's ears were chocolate covered (although the one pictured is fully chocolate covered) and about 3 to 4 inches wide. He ate the flipping ears in one bite, angling each ear in his mouth until it was all in there. Then he ate Mickey's face with his second bite. Done.

After that he had the hugest ice cream headache ever known to mankind, and he had to be rushed to the hospital. No, he wasn't taken to the hospital, but he was in such severe pain, and his brain was frozen to such a marked degree that he was mentally and physically out of it for the next few classes.

The novelty ice cream eating champion of the free world ended up going to a different high school, but I heard he would go to parties with his own case of beer and wouldn't share with anyone. So, as it turns out, he was gluttonous with ice cream AND beer. I would say that he went on to bigger and better things, but knowing what little I know about him, I think that the Mickey Mouse Bar inhaling may still be his crowning achievement.