Competitive Eating and Competitive Pooing

I was watching something about competitive eating with two guys wolfing down 20 White Castle burgers a piece, and I was wondering what their poos must be like after a showing like that. I mean, let alone the fact that even a small amount of White Castle will have you on the can for an hour, but 20 of them?

I then did some research about the sad, sad aftermath of competitive eating that you don't hear about, but you'll hear about it here at The Gancer . . .

According to PoopReport.com, yes there is such a site, Carson "Collard Green" Hughes, after putting down two and one half pounds of collard greens in 17.5 seconds, had a quite an experience that I'll share with you. Don't read this if you're easily grossed out, but if not, get a "load" of this because it's damn funny:

"Around 10:00 that night, the end result occurred," Hughes explained. "All those collards that went in had to come out. What a fast turn-around time! I guess roughage can speed things up a bit. For me, the collards acted like an internal scrub brush -- they cleaned me out from one end to the other. My stomach began rumbling with that all-knowing feeling that I must get to the bathroom quick. Once there, down came the pants and a big plop on the seat, and I was ready. Boy, just in time, because the explosion of a lifetime occurred. It could be compared to an atom bomb, but it was dark green in color -- soft, hard, and runny. A blend of stool. Some of it ended up on the sides of the bowl. Some in the back of the bowl. But most of it sunk to the bottom of the bowl when it hit the water. There were a few floaters that looked like whipped green mousse topping and were about the size of a moon pie. The level of the water rose about two inches."

Wow. Sounds messy! But wait, there's more? You may be thinking to yourself, "he paints quite a picture, but what did it smell like?" Well . . .

"My industrial-size fan in the master bedroom was no match for the fallout. The smell radiated out of the bathroom and right into the hallway and bedroom. It was not a pleasant smell. Lysol could not put a dent in this foul evil green monster that rested in the bottom of the bowl. After several flushes and several hours of spraying, it was finally tolerable. Good thing my wife was at work."

So, evidently if you're looking to get into competitive eating, you better set some time aside for the "aftermath," as it's quite an endeavor. Better have a couple magazines in the old shit house. And a mop. And two or three cans of Lysol. And . . . Actually, Dr. Kenneth is recommending right now that you just never, ever get into competitive eating.

The 2 Bite Wonder

When I was grocery shopping tonight I saw some cartoon character popsicles, and I got thinking of one of the most legendary events ever to happen in a grade school lunch, ever, anywhere in the country.

A kid in my 5th or 6th grade class ate a Mickey Mouse ice cream bar in two bites. If you'll recall, Mickey's ears were chocolate covered (although the one pictured is fully chocolate covered) and about 3 to 4 inches wide. He ate the flipping ears in one bite, angling each ear in his mouth until it was all in there. Then he ate Mickey's face with his second bite. Done.

After that he had the hugest ice cream headache ever known to mankind, and he had to be rushed to the hospital. No, he wasn't taken to the hospital, but he was in such severe pain, and his brain was frozen to such a marked degree that he was mentally and physically out of it for the next few classes.

The novelty ice cream eating champion of the free world ended up going to a different high school, but I heard he would go to parties with his own case of beer and wouldn't share with anyone. So, as it turns out, he was gluttonous with ice cream AND beer. I would say that he went on to bigger and better things, but knowing what little I know about him, I think that the Mickey Mouse Bar inhaling may still be his crowning achievement.