Jandles?

I was signing onto my email and saw a news story on yahoo news: "Jean Shoes Ugliest Ever?"  I couldn't pass up clicking over there to see if they are, in fact, the ugliest ever, and you know what?  I kind of love them.  First off, they're called jean-flops, which is spectacular.  Also, you can put stuff in the little pockets, like peanut butter cups or Chinese throwing stars, so they're way more functional than your standard flip-flop.  They're great accessories that would go well with just about any type of clothing, such as Zubaz or those sweatpants that look like jeans.  I would say they would complete the Canadian Tuxedo (denim pants and denim shirt) but that would just be overkill and too downright obnoxious, even for me.

Watch out!  Flopping to a store near you. 

What do you think, folks?  Are the jean-flops ugly or totally rugged and rad?

Shut Up and Play Your Guitar

Dave Mustaine of Megadeth just said during one of his concerts that he believes President Obama staged all these mass killing in the last few weeks in an agenda to pass a gun ban.  Wow.  What an idiot!

I had a feeling when I heard this news that this would make me hate his music.  I know when Kramer had his n-word rant after being heckled, I was worried I would never be able to watch "Seinfeld" in the same way again.  The years have passed, and just yesterday I saw the "Pig Man" episode and was laughing my ass off and marveling at what a damn genius he was.  Time heals all woulds.

Then this morning on my bike ride to work, just after hearing about Dave's idiotic diatribe, "Tornado of Souls" by Megadeth came on random on my iPod.  I didn't turn it off.  In fact, I head banged along the lake front as hard as ever.  When you rock that hard and fast, the wounds heal even faster . .

Heart Breaking Love Making

Get a look at this news story: boom!

An Atlanta cop died of a heart attack while having 3-way sex with another man and some lucky lady.  But, his estate was awarded 3 million dollars because a doctor, who knew of his condition, did not warn him not to engage in strenuous activities, such as joining in with a buddy to fill out some non-your-wife woman like an application. 

I would like to know that the police officers out there keeping me safe are able to run after criminals on foot, engage in high stress car chases, and 3-way some woman with a buddy.  If he can't do all of those, if he's just okay cardiovascular-wise to 2-way, then maybe he should be behind a desk somewhere while the real 3-way cops are out there busting their asses to keep our streets safe and our women double penetrated.

This post is brought to you by the commenter on the last blog who said "You are a fucking idiot."  Whenever someone says something like that, I'm only going to get more offensive.  If you've been here long enough to make a rude judgement like the one you made, you should know this by now.

Eating Marijuana

I saw this article where some guys opened up a shop where you can go in and have some Marijuana cheesecake, for example.  In Oregon, medicinal marijuana is legal, so you have to have a card saying you can be "treated," and once in the door, everything is free and everyone shares pot to smoke or eat. 

There is a Ganja Gormet in Denver that opened in 2009, and this doesn't surprise me because Denver is a pretty laid back and progressive city like that. 

One customer said of a "medicated" beef and broccoli, "You can't even taste it that much."  So it may taste a little dopey, but it's much better for your lungs than smoking it.

What do we think about this, Seven Readers?  It doesn't bother me one bit, unless it's filled mostly with people with bogus reasons for the cards.  Actually, that doesn't really bother me either.  Who cares, right?  Smoke your brains out and eat the shit out of that cheesecake for all I care . . .

Hell Hath No Fury LIke a Pollack Scorned

A man in Poland dumped his girlfriend and kept his cleaning appointment with her at the dentist.  Not a good idea.  She put him under, and while he was gassed out, her anger took over, and she just couldn't resist removing every last one of his teeth. 

Now, a few things come to mind here:

1. Why wouldn't he just go to a different dentist?  No one expects someone to do something that twisted, but that's some balls asking her to go through with the cleaning after shit-canning her.  Because it was free, maybe?  What a cheap ass.

2. I heard she can do up to three years in prison for this offense.  Just 3?  I'd say a year for each tooth for a total of 32 would be fair.  Maybe that's a little harsh.  Let's meet halfway and say 16.

3. I also heard that his new girlfriend dumped him when she saw that he no longer had teeth.  Rough week for this fella . . .

4. Another report said that she bandaged him up so that he couldn't see his mouth and told him to take it off when he got home, saying there were some "complications."  With a cleaning?  Who goes unconscious for a cleaning?  The only thing I can think of is that maybe she said it was just laughing gas but slipped on the one that knocked his ass out.  I would never say no to laughing gas.  Wish I had a tank next to me right now, as a matter of fact.  That shit's a blast.

5. If we have learned anything from all of this it is that if you break up with a lady, don't hit her up for free stuff right away and don't be in the same room with her while unconscious while she has pliers in the room.  That should be obvious, right?  Now I know why there are so many Polish jokes . . . .

You can read the article here if you don't believe me.

And now I'm going to post a hot and sexy Polish newscaster with giant boobs in a shameless attempt to get more readership through google searches.  Enjoy.

In a Hurry to Get Your Freak On Is NOT an Excuse to Speed

Zachary P. Ramirez, 21, of Naperville, Illinois found that out the hard way after going 111mph and running a stop sign and a red light (whole story including picture of the idiot here).  When the officer asked why he was going so fast, he said he was in a hurry to go have sex with a girl he likes. 

Now, it seems to me that it's as good an excuse as any, but to be going that fast and disobeying traffic signals knowing you have weed in the car?  That must have been some poonanny . . .

Come on! Let the Kid Take the Porno Actress To His Prom!

Check out this story.

If only he hadn't tipped anyone off, he could have just brought the porn chick at the last minute and not told anyone how she payed her bills.  It turned out all right for this kid from Minnesota because he is having his own party with the porn chick coming, who accepted because she never went to her own prom, and he also had people chanting his name in the hallway and calling him a legend. 

I'm going to have to look up this lady just to make sure she is a real porn actress and not at all because I like porn.  I'm not into that.  I may invite her to something else that maybe she has never been to, as that seems to be the right angle.  Maybe the library?  Church?  Something unlikely like that . . .

Hurry Up and Buy Your Kid a Vibrator Today!

Get a load of this story.  That's me writing again in italics at the end of it.  Look at this kid just buzzing away  . . .

Vibrator For Children

Mattel recently introduced the "Harry Potter Broomstick". It's a battery-powered toy that resembles the flying Nimbus 2000 brooms from the Harry Potter movies. For added effect, the broom makes "flying noises" and vibrates. After a while on the market, concerned parents noticed that mostly young girls seemed to enjoy the toy - especially the vibrating part... Here are some of the customer reviews from the Toys R Us website: Reviewer: A toy enthusiast from NJ This toy was #1 on my daughter's Christmas list. So what the heck, although it has no educational value I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn't until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized that the toy may offer a more than sensational experience. The broomstick has cute sound effects and ***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on---what were the creators of this toy thinking? She'll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed. Reviewer: Ashley from TX My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter's friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan! :) Reviewer: A toy enthusiast from Maine, USA I recently bought this for my son, Vantro. He's a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Seen the movie 32 times (in the theaters) and made the paper. This toy gives him the ability to fly around the house zapping things. My only problem I see with the toy is the batteries drain too fast and his sister fights him over it, so now I need to buy her one. Reviewer: poola13 from Ohio When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too! I reccomend this for all children.   ------------------------------------------------ As you know, here at The Gancer I have found a number of wild stories over the years, but this one is just nuts.  I like how the first parent noticed that the thing is a giant broomstick vibrator, but then all these other parents seemed to think it was perfectly okay for their kid to sit there with the thing between their legs in their bedroom, especially the 17-year-old.   We really don't need to get kids hooked on masturbating when they're 5.  That's what adolescence is for.   Wait, do you think that adult nerds buy this thing and pretend to be horny-ass witches?  That's even scarier to think about than kids masturbating . . .