Monday, December 31, 2012

LSD and I are getting ready for New Years, and she says . . .

LSD: Okay.  Poop and a shower, and we go."

Doctor Kenneth Noisewater: Let it rip, babe.

LSD: You're so supportive.

(As she goes across the hall into the bathroom)

DKN: Anything for you.  You want me to hold your hand?

LSD: No (I hear through the closed door).

Saturday, December 29, 2012

I felt rather uninspired for gift ideas this year, but one that I did get right is a trip for me and my father to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame in July.  My dad is getting up there in years, and he has never been to see The Hall, despite being the most knowledgeable baseball historian I know.  As a kid, I remember seeing him spending hours leafing through the Baseball Encyclopedia, making notes in his illegible handwriting about things he happened to know about various players and their seasons, such as Babe Ruth's worst season due to health complications he had due to a hot dog eating contest.  If you ask him any question you can think of, such as any big name player's lifetime average, he can rattle it off immediately.

He and I have 4 days in Cooperstown, N.Y., and we're staying in a cozy little bed and breakfast in the "penthouse suite," which is the ideal room because we can spread out, and multiple beds are good because my dad is on a slightly different sleep schedule than me (he goes to bed at 8pm and gets up around 4AM). 

Even if some family members got gift cards and the like from me this time around, I was really proud of this gift, and I felt like the best son ever when I saw how excited he was about it.

Everyone else have a good holiday?  Anyone want to share a good gift they got or gave away?

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Baby, It's Cold in Those Undies

This morning I agreed to run up and down a bunch of hills at the Arboretum, a place where people walk around and look at trees, I guess.  I thought it would be a good idea to run some hills to get ready for the Oakland Marathon, of all places.  Maybe some bullet dodging training should be in order as well.  I have lots of bad ideas.

A couple miles in and I was regretting this decision.  The good news was that slowly the hangover was fading.  The bad news is that as that dissipated, I started to freeze my dick off.  That isn't meant simply as an uncouth figure of speech.  No, I was quite literally freezing my dick off.  I have got in a lot of trouble spending nights trying to get that part of me into some warm (sometimes wet) places over the years, but this was a far more dire situation. 

When that part of your body gets really, really cold, it's hard to concentrate on much of anything else but getting your privates warmed up, but I did think of this: The last time I was shopping for jogging clothes, I didn't buy the running tights to keep my bottom half warm because they were all overpriced, which is strange because the tops in the same material are like a third of the price.  However, when you find yourself in an Arboretum in bitter cold temperatures and in danger of contracting hypothermia of the penis, money is no object.  I will now pay anything they want to protect my little man from the elements.  I swear (looks down to his wang) I will never put you in a spot like that ever again. 

We survived, me and him.  Thanks for reading over the years, everyone.  I know there are a few too many dick jokes and the like around here, but I really do value those of you who have come by over the years to share in my idiotic journey.  Happy holidays, everyone. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I did a post a while back about Every Block, and here is another one that illustrates just as well how snooty the citizens can be in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago. 

Here is what the lady took the time to complain about:
Man pees in Jonquil Park

My husband was at Jonquil Park today around 3pm with our 10 month old son. A black male in his mid 40's entered the gated area and in front of my husband and son peed. He was wearing black pants, a black jacket, a bright orange hat and carrying two backpacks one of them camouflage. My husband just scooped up our son and got him out of there. The guy was gone then and he did not call the police. I told him he should have. Makes me sick. My son loves to crawl around the park :(

Some responses were in supportive of her, most actually, but this guy is my brand of smart ass:

jdaviped Lakeview resident since 07/2010
What a shame. I understand the local rats have been refraining from relieving themselves in that park, knowing that children crawl around on the ground. If the rats catch wind that a human urinated in there -- and believe me, it's a matter of when, not if -- you can kiss the previously-pristine ground good-bye.

Monday, December 17, 2012

I Need a Little Help With Some Research

When you are standing at a bar, not sitting, but bellied up to the bar, how annoyed are you when there is no foot rest put one foot upon?  Three out of three men were extremely pissed off on Saturday night when the hipster bar we were at didn't have the God damn bar step.  Another guy couldn't believe he had to ask the staff to turn off the flipping Fred Estaire movie and put the Chicago Bulls game on, but that is another story.  One of the three actually said that his back will probably be hurting the next day for not having that all important-step to lean into and make everything okay.

How do you not have on of those things, for crying out loud?
 Thanks so much for leaving your thoughts on this matter in the comments.  With your help, I can make this an epic research project, maybe even get it published if I can get extensive research with 9 or 10 bloggers/drinkers polled.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I Want To Make a Confession . . .

. . . But do mind the asterisks as you read.

I'm using someone.*  I just keep going over there, doing my thing** with her, and then I sort of use her for her awesome apartment.  She has better cable than me, and it's always neater than my place.***  Don't get me wrong, I like her and all, but deep down, I know she's not the one.****
*Using a bunch of free passes at super fancy gym with no intention of joining. 
**Usually swimming.  I miss swimming.  I was really good when I was a mean backstroker in the 8-years-old and under division.
***I love taking a steam, taking a dip in the hot tub, I like the water with the cucumbers soaking in it, it has like 4 levels, a quarter mile indoor track, two pools . . .
****The place is like $100 a month. 

Sunday, December 09, 2012

I remember one of the first women I dated after my divorce was an artist from Los Angeles.  She was just getting out of something too, so we weren't too serious, we just drank gin and tonics, watched old movies in my bedroom and did the nasty.  One night she said that there was something I should know, and my heart dropped because I figured she was going to drop an H Bomb* on me.  Nope.  She just thought I should know that not too long ago she was addicted to crystal meth.  Oh, that's all?  What did I care?  She was an artist, for Christ's sakes.  They all did that for a while, right?  Let's just get back to the movies, gin, and boning.  Those were simpler times . . . 

*H Bomb: When someone you are sleeping with tells you they have the herpes. 

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Reverend/Dr. Kenneth's Speech

DISCLAIMER: If you are reading this and are a guest at the wedding where I'm the reverend on Saturday, stop reading at once.  Don't be that guy.  Come on! 

So, keep in mind that this is a wedding with zero religious implications and it's at a bar, so it's a little unconventional.  Anyway, here is what I got.  Please respond with any thoughts, comments, or criticisms:

"Yeah!  You all ready for a wedding or what!?  Let’s do this!

(now in a very calm voice) Yeah, in case you didn’t know, we’re gathered here today to join Nic Van Horn and Sarah Fergusen in the holiest of holy matrimony.  I’m Dr. Ken, for those that don’t know me.  These two lovely people asked me to be their reverend, and I was truly honored, and If anyone doubts my reverendship, I’ll have you know that I labored on the internet clicking and clacking away for over five minutes to get a professional-ish looking certificate with my name on it to make it official.  And I bought this tie (motions to bolo tie with the cross broach) - So I’m the guy. 

I met Nic on Craig’s list.  The reverend has met a lot of interesting people on Craig’s List.  People into all kinds of interesting things, but Nic was a prospective roommate at the now legendary 5 bedroom Chicago house of our extended, latent fratboy period, the place known simply as: 1522.  When he walked in the door for his interview, we all knew he was the guy.  Laid back, funny, likes sports, and likes to have a beer or two.  In fact, over drinks is how he got his nickname.  Not Nicky-Bear.  Only one person calls him that (motions toward bride), well, maybe 70 or 80 people will call him that now that I’ve let that cat out of the bag, but Ryan dubbed him “Nicky Woo-Woo.”  Why?  Well every now and then when Nic is partying, he will let out a (holds mic over to Nic, who lets out a WOO in the vain of Ric Flair)

And it was at a party, a redneck party, at 1522 where he courted a young Sarah.  He in a pair of very revealing cut off jean shorts, and she in . . . just regular clothes.   Going redneck comes more naturally to Michiganders than it does to those from Mass, it seems.  In any event, I recall Nic settling in at the back porch table, and Sarah arrived shortly thereafter.  The two hit it off instantly, and gradually they weren’t talking to . . . anyone else . . . but each other.  It got to a point where the good reverend thought it best to excuse himself, and it looked as if others thought the same.  Soon it was just the two of them on that back porch and they were conversing at a closer-and-closer distance which could only mean one thing . . . they were gonna’ smooch!  And smooch they did!

And they really haven’t stopped.  Only a matter of weeks ago, my lady and I were out with them at the Liars Club - you’ll all be going there later tonight, by the way.  It’s the best bar in Chicago, and the reverend will be having his ashes spread on that dance floor when it’s his time to join Baby Jesus in Heaven- So we’re at the Liars Club, and Nic and Sarah appear to be trying to swallow one another’s faces off.  We smiled at them and said something to the effect of, “Holy mackerel!,” to which the irreverent Nic Van Horn responded, “What?  Come on!  Have you seen her?”  I love this guy.  Honest to God I do. 

And Sarah is awesome too.  Whenever I come out, she smiles all night like she’s so happy to see me, and I feel really good about myself.  If she makes me feel like that, I can’t even imagine how happy she makes Nic. 

These two are very much in love, and that is plain to see.  You just have to love these two, and the two of them together are even better.  They send out nothing but good vibes and all smiles, and they just seem so natural and happy with one another.  Take it from a guy in love: There really is no better thing in the world than being in love, and these two are a perfect example of that.; the kind of love certainly worth celebrating. 

So, let’s get to the part where they profess their undying love to one another for all of us to hear with their own words, reading their own vows, which I think is just a baller-ass move at a wedding.  None of that scripted crap – just from the heart, what’s in here (motions to heart).  

Sarah, you’re up first. 

(Brief organic on Sarah’s speech)

And now, Nic, it is your turn. 

(Brief organic on Nic’s speech)

Okay, we did the vows, so now let’s go to the part where I say this: Nic, do you swear to be the world’s best husband known to man to Sarah for the rest of your days.  

Sarah, do you swear to love this guy with all you got all day, every day until the end of time?

Then, by the power vested in me from, or whatever, I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may now smooch the bride!"