Patterns

This phone call may or may not have happened the other day.

Susan from Visa: Is this Dr. Kenneth Noisewater?

Dr. Ken: You bet your ass.

Susan: Uh.  Okay.  I'm calling to check if there has been some fraud or theft involved with your account.

Dr. Ken: Oh snap!  I hope not.

Susan: Let me just review some purchases with you.  Did you spend $500 at Bill's Furniture Emporium today?

Dr. Ken: Yes.  That one was me. 

Susan: How about another one in the amount of $145.56 at Sears.

Dr. Ken:  Yup.  Me again.  Bought me a new air conditioner.

Susan: Okay, good.  Lastly, how about $125.70 at Target?

Dr. Ken: All me.  Had to get a bunch of stuff for the new apartment, toasters and the like. 

Susan: Well, good to know.  Just wanted to be sure because it didn't match your usual patterns.

Dr. Ken: My patterns?

Susan: Yes.  Our system finds things that are not in line with how you usually spend.  You see, Dr. Noisewater, you usually only spend over $100 at places that appear to be bars, usually on Friday and Saturday nights.

Dr. Ken: Yeah.  I'm working on that, Susan.  I have a lot of demons, you see.

Susan: Sorry to hear that, Dr. Noisewater.  Seems like your demons get the best of you in a similar patter, often times Duffy's for $100 and then another $100 at The Liars Club in the same night.

Dr. Ken: Okay, Susan!  I said I'm working on it.

Susan: Very good.  Well, anything else I can help you with?

Dr. Ken: No, I'm okay.  You seem nice.  You want to get a drink sometime?

Susan: That's against our policy over here at Visa.

Dr. Ken: I understand.  Well, if you're ever in Chicago, you know how to find me.  You know my "patterns," after all.

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