A Friend I Will Miss and Another I Avoid

A Friend I Will Miss

I got a really good friend, one of the guys I officiated a wedding for as Reverend Ken, and he suddenly announced he is moving away in three weeks.  It's really sad, and I feel like I wasn't given enough notice.  If you told me a few months, sure, but three weeks?  Sorry, but my man-love heart needs a little time to process these things.  I tried to be happy for him when he told a few of us the other night, but I couldn't.  And then I made him sad by being sad.  Eventually I just gave up trying to feign happiness and I posted this video on his Facebook wall.



I thought the clip would be good for a laugh, but I ended up crying.  Guess it was good for a cry too.  I know.  A man crying over a Star Trek clip might be the nerdiest thing ever, but it happened and I'm better for it.  I needed to get the crying out of my system, and Kirk and Spok helped me out to those ends.  Those devilish, space traveling, pointy eared (one of them), bastards . . .

And Another I Avoid

This other friend of mine I have been playing volleyball with for years, and he makes everyone miserable by telling everyone what to do and how they messed something up.  He has a thick accent and his command of the English language isn't too good either.  He often times ends his description of how he thought you should have returned the last serve with "does that make sense?"  And it never makes sense.  The thing is, he is easily the worst player of all of us, yet he always tells people how to play, which makes it all the more difficult to stomach his lectures.  I always have to do some affirmations on my way to the court like "Okay, he is going to be terrible.  Just nod your head and be positive.  Move on to the next point and don't yell at him."  Sometimes it works, and on rare instances, usually when I'm hungover and emotional, I do end up yelling at him.  And then I'm disappointed in myself because it doesn't do any good.  

He isn't much better in social gatherings either.  His jokes are often as misunderstood as his volleyball analysis, and he will try to make wise cracks about people that never quite work.  This makes it sound like he is a jerk, but that isn't quite it.  He is just a little off.  It's no longer cultural, and he can't use that as an excuse anymore.  He has been in the country a long time now.  He is just kind of weird. 

So some of the volleyball friends are meeting up to watch NCAA games, and I actually asked if this dude is going to be there.  I felt really bad about asking that, but here is the thing: I really value my weekends, and if that dude will be there describing how the little people on the television should have executed that inbounds play and I have to keep taking pees I barely have to take and get beers I don't need just to get away, that will detract from the loveliness of my oh so important Saturday afternoon.  

I just got the word that he will, in fact, be there.  Just like on the way to the court, on the way to the bar I will do my affirmations: "I can do this.  Be nice to him.  He really isn't that bad . . ."

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Anybody have friends like the first one?  How about the second one?  Any tips on how to handle the second one because I'm about out of ideas.  

I was watching the Chicago Bulls game the other night and having a few IPA's, and longtime play-by-play man, Marv Albert, was saying how someone was trying to live down some bad decisions he made.  This prompted me to yell at the television, "Oh, shut up, Marv!  You were wearing crotchless panties, bit a woman's ass, reportedly forced anal upon a woman, and your toupee fell off.  We haven't forgotten that."

"Panties!  Yes!"

And it's true.  That's what is tough about being a celebrity.  If I paraded around in some crotchless panties, which no man looks good in (even me), I could still pack up and leave town and no one would know I dangled my junk out of a black lacy thong (not that I have a pair picked out).  We all have things we like to do in the sack, but we will never forget what Marv is into because we see him on TV every few nights describing slam dunks to us, and as hard as we try not to, we imagine that under the table he is still wearing those unsightly undergarments.

How about you, readers?  Who are some celebrities who have done something you'll never be able to forget when you see them?

Jimmy Butler of my beloved Chicago Bulls had the picture below leaked onto the internet.  The first thing you may think is that by wearing this shirt he is summing up all that he thinks matters in life (drugs, his favorite body part of a woman, and what he uses to buy those two), and that would just be awful if he were that shallow.  But let's think of some other explanations.

First off, he responded on Twitter to say that he was sorry if anyone was offended by the shirt, but it matched his shoes.  I'm not making that up.  

Jimmy just isn't good at making excuses, so let me take it from here, Jimmy.

Those are actually their nicknames from when they were growing up, Pussy, Money, and Weed (from left to right).  Weed is in reference to how tall Jimmy grew up as a kid.  Everyone back in Texas was always saying, "That boy is sprouting up like a weed!"  I hit a growth spurt as a kid, and people told me that all the time, so that makes perfect sense to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, from left to right, please meet Pussy, Money, and Weed

Actually, do you want the truth?  Here it is.  Jimmy had to meet his friends out at a bar to celebrate his friend, Pussy's, recent certification to become a certified yoga instructor.  His other good friend, Money, is holding up two fingers to signify that it took two long years of Pussy's time!  What hard work that young man put in!  Now, Jimmy knew that he had to remember to do a few things before he got home that night, and due to some of his recent concussions suffered during a grueling playoffs, he had to print up this shirt to remind him to swing by the store on the way home to pick up kitty litter, $60 in cash from the ATM, and some gardening gloves to pull weeds the next morning for Doris, his aging friendly neighbor.

It was Money's job to have someone take this picture and text it to Jimmy on the ride home, but he accidentally sent it to the wrong friend, Coke, and that guy just can't be trusted with anything (sniff, sniff).

There.

Now, if there are no further questions, please leave Jimmy alone.  And Pussy, Weed, and Coke, for that matter.

Sexier Than Cats

In case you missed it, a player who named himself Meta World Peace came back from an injury and said the pain couldn't hold him back because he is too sexy for his cat.  He then used that phrase to answer 6 or 7 more questions just for good measure. 



Now, did he just happen to hear Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" on the way to the stadium that night, and he just figured he would say that a few dozen times?  Could be, but others speculate that he could be on pain killers, and that is causing the 90's one-hit-wonder revival movement.

Give it a look, people. 




Couldn't he have mixed it up every few answers, maybe an "I'm too sexy for Milan.  Too sexy for Milan - New York and Japan . . .

I'm just getting over one of the worst stomach flu's of my life.  I was puking and shooting out pure liquid poops for over 24 hours straight.  It was one of those deals where you get to the toilet and can't decide which need is more "pressing."  Should I sit down for a squirt dump and run the risk of barfing on my lap, or bend over the bowl for a puke and risk blasting a dump all over myself and the tile floor?

If you're still reading, I'm going to the Big Ten basketball tournament with some friends tonight who will be drinking, and although I'm like 90% better, I have decided to not partake in "the sauce" tonight to allow myself to recover.  

I really do hate not drinking when people around me are drinking, and it got me thinking, is it a worse situation for those who don't ever want to drink or for someone who has just decided that he doesn't want to drink?  I have had those friends who come out with everyone to bars, sometimes until four in the morning, and they never drink.  How do they do it?  I try to be understanding of the fact that when people are schnockered all around me and I'm sober, I have been that bad or likely even worse.  Still, I get instantly annoyed and want to drink myself closer to where they're at so I'm not annoyed anymore.  

UPDATE: I just finished this post when I got home.  I had a beer and a half.  

A Solid Trip

LSD* gave me a surprise birthday gift of tickets to a basketball game at the University of Illinois, so we took a train from Chicago to Champaign, Illinois yesterday.  The ride there was fine, the game was super because the Illini won, but then the trip home was a little interesting.  There was an older Black woman with her two grandsons sitting by us, and these two rapscallions ran up and down the aisles making noise for the duration of the journey.  When they were sitting down, they watched a loud movie on a computer with constant laser noises.  What was crazy is that there was another family with a couple of kids in the back of the train car who were actually more poorly behaved than the little fellas by us.   At one point one boy from each faction of boys had a high speed collision with one another in the aisle.  It was bound to happen.

The two kids by us were pretty cute, actually, and one was named Darnell.  I know his name because I heard grandma say it a lot when he was acting up.  She also made a lot of empty threats such as "Darnell, I wish you would get out of your seat again," and then she would do nothing when Darnell would stand up to go for another run.  One conductor gave them tickets as keepsakes so Darnell hugged him.  These little guys were really excited to be on a train, and they talked loudly the entire trip.   Whenever Darnell ran out of things to say, he would sing "Solid" by Ashford and Simpson.  I must really love kids because even though I was trying to sleep, I would laugh every single time he would launch into this 80's soul jam.



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*My girlfriend

The Coruscant Heat

It seems like everyone in America is tuning into the NBA finals hoping for the Heat lose, but I wonder what a galaxy far, far away might make of this match up?  This got me thinking which star wars baddies would best represent a team that is such a "wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Darth Vader.  "That's game, bitches!"

LeBron James

             Equals . . . 








Explanation: I like this choice because no one hated LeBron when he was with Cleveland (The Rebellion) but then nobody could stand him when he sold out and signed with the Heat (The Empire).

                                         

Dywayne Wade

 Equals . . . 

Grand Moff Tarkin

                              
  









Explanation: Wade just seems like the kind of guy who would blow up your whole planet just to test out his new Death Star, just to show you what's up.  

Pat Riley.  "Kiss the rings, bitches!"

The Emperor

 Equals . . .










Explanation: Pat and the Emperor are both evil old duded running things from behind the scenes.  I bet you didn't know that under that robe, the Emperor's hair is slicked back.

"Sniff these ringless fingers!"

Selacious Crumb

Equals . . .








Explanation: Erik Spoelstra is that little weasel that no one listens to.  When you see him trying to draw up a play for his guys while they just talk amongst themselves, you just can't help but think he might as well be Selacious Crumb outlining a pick and roll.

Chris "The Ostrich" Bosh

Jar Jar Binks

      
                  Equals . . .

Explanation: There is nothing deeper here than 'dude just looks like Jar Jar Binks.

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And there you have it, people.  What do you think?  Anyone I missed or anything you would change?  Leave me a comment.                                                                                                                    

For Those of You Who Don't Have Me On Facebook, Behold Me Commenting on My Own Stupid Update . . .

And here's the fun part: I'm so stupid that I don't know how to change the color of the font for just this post, so highlight everything and scroll so you can read it against the background. It's like a secret decoding mission! Yeah, I'm just trying to make it sound fun because I don't know what the hell I'm doing . . .

Dr. Kenneth's Profile, Dr. Kenneth's Wall

• 

  Dr. Kenneth Noiswater:

  Anyone watching NBA live on TNT-internet? This is a great Heat/Celtix game, but switch the camera to "Action Cam" or you will be watching "Mosaic Cam," which I think is how flies watch the NBA.

  2 hours ago · · ·

  • • Dr. Kenneth Noiswater

      Actually, when regular TV is at commercial, go back to "Fly Cam" and watch random crap going on all over the stadium and "Jock Jams" over the P.A.

      2 hours ago ·
    • Dr. Kenneth Noiswater

      Oooh! "Backboard Cam!" I can't wait until someone dunks right in my muthagrabbin' face!! I swear I don't work for TNT.

      2 hours ago ·
    • Dr. Kenneth Noiswater

      And, ladies, if you like Wade, you can just switch on the Wade cam and watch him close up, even when he's on the bench. Rondo Cam too if you're into weird guys who are good athletes but kinda weird-looking.

      2 hours ago · · One Person

Blame It on the Henney

Ron Artest just came forward saying that he drank Hennessy during games while he was playing with the Chicago Bulls because he was depressed about the team being so bad. Man, I know my city has some bad sports teams, but guzzling Henney before taking the court? Come on! And it has to be a Black man drink, right? It couldn't be some wine coolers or some Sam Adams? No. Do you think he ever mixed it up some nights with some "Yak" (that means Cognac).


You ever use some kind of bad, bad vice to get you through tough times? Do you have a good caption for the picture of him with the dogs that's more clever than "What's up, dogg?" I should hope so.