Thursday, February 25, 2010

Your Mission, If You Choose To Accept It . . .

is to use the word "shit-assed" when talking to someone, as in "I went out for happy hour, and I drank until last call at two in the morning. I was completely shit-assed!" To my knowledge, this word, and I do mean word because it's hyphenated, is an invention of Dr. Kenneth Noisewater and unique to his vernacular. Sure, people say "I got shitty," or "I was shitty-drunk," or I was shit faced," or even "fit shaced. Some may also use variations on "ass," like, "I was drunk off my ass," but to my knowledge, shit-assed is a phrase all my own.*

So, please use that word in a sentence, and drop a comment to let me know the context in which you used it. And when you think of me, think of me kindly.

Wishing you a shit-assed weekend,

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

*Just found "shit assed" on urban dictionary, but the definitions are for when you have a poopy butt or when something is broken beyond repair. Damn that Urban Dictionary. Well, still, when you use it, think of me, not the Godforsaken Urban Dictionary because any schmo can post something on that thing. They don't even have honorary doctorates like me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

As some of you know, I'm a big mixed martial arts fan, and I love all the personalities within the sport, which is why I like to interview them. However, Frank Mir, on a radio show, went way past being a flashy trash-talker, and right into an asshole/psycho realm with this statement he recently made about Brock Lesnar, someone who beat him badly the last time they fought:

"I want to fight Brock Lesnar. I hate who he is as a person. I want to break his neck in the ring. I want him to be the first person that dies (due) to Octagon-related injuries."

Sometimes an athlete will say, "we're going to kill those guys," but what Frank did was different all together: He said he wants to literally kill the guy.

What do you think, Seven Readers? Is that just some good media hype, or is that just going way too far.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Dr. Ken's No-No Words

I have noticed that kids say three words that weren't okay when I was a kid, and they shouldn't be okay now: sucks, retarded, and gay.

1. Sucks: When I was in school, it was your ass if you said "this sucks!" Now, it's perfectly fine, and in fact, kids are genuinely surprised when I reprimand them for saying this; They really have no idea that they have done anything wrong. The problem is, saying "this sucks" is really an abreviation for "this sucks dick," which I think we all can agree is not appropriate.

2. Retarded: I hear this one all the time now on TV, and I just don't get why this isn't offensive. What's good to do to kids who say this is to abruptly say, "Hey! My brother's mentally retarded." When they say, "He is?" Say, "No. I don't have a brother, but don't say that word in that sense. It's cruel."

3. Gay: If you're talking about someone being happy or homosexual, by all means, use this happy little word, but if you're using to say something is stupid, as in, "This is gay," what you're doing is equating being homosexual to being stupid, which isn't fair to gay people. What I say to kids is, "I have gay friends, so I personally don't like that word being used in that sense. Could you use another word?" They usually say, "What? You have gay friends? You're gay?" I think some kids think that gay people live off in little colonies and don't interact with anyone. I think that's probably kind of what I thought when I was their age. In fact, I probably said all of these words in these exact ways in any given day as a kid, but as a writer who values words and a believer that our words carry great weight, I try to do the little things to change how these kids talk, or at the very least, get them to think about it.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Top 10 Excuses To Use When Someone Passes You Up When You're Jogging

10. "That guy is probably running a shorter distance than me. He just goes out for a quick mile."

9. That guy is probably just sprinting like that at the end of his run. He couldn't possibly keep up that pace."

8. "I have a cramp."

7. "That guy is wearing tights from head-to-toe. It's totally okay to get passed up by those guys 'cause they're hardcore."

6. "F*ck that guy. I hate him."

5. "That only happened because I slowed down to find a good song on my ipod."

4. "He shouldn't run that fast. He's going to get shin splints, a herniated disc, and a decreased sperm count."

3. "It's okay for one or two to pass me up per run, so long as everyones not flying by me. You're okay, just focus . . ."

2. "He's probably one of those guys who just can't be happy unless he passes everyone up. He's messed up. I pity him."

1. "Look at him; He runs like a dork. I'd rather run slow than run like a complete doucher like him."

NOTE: If you're a man, and it's a woman passing you up, that's a whole different list of even more imaginative excuses.
Also, congrats to Heff for winning the caption contest from the last post. He's a great blogger with a really cool layout at his site, but he has been on hiatus for some time now. However, Heff's Bar And Grill returns on 02/24/2010. Mark your calendars or just put him on your blogroll.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I have to run off to a volleyball game, which means I have no time for a decent post. So, It's time, once again, for a caption contest. Do your worst . . .

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I made a key today for the shitter at my work, which is a huge coup by the way, and while in the locksmith shop, as the old guy working there turned around to make the all-important key, I completely forgot that he has a gray rat tail hair style. I blogged about it, and I still forgot about it.

That goes to show you how long it's been since I or anyone else has posted at The Liars Club. I'm still looking for Chicago area writers to post with me. Email me if you're interested or know someone who may be interested in keeping The Liars Club alive.

In the meantime, what's the most embarrassing hairstyle you've ever had?

Monday, February 15, 2010

"On the Wings of Love"

Anyone know what that is the title of this season? I'm a little ashamed to say that I know that it is the tag line of this season's The Bachelor, and I have seen nearly every episode. While I had my doubts about how fun this season would be, considering Jake is the most boring human to ever live, his his douchiness actually makes for pretty entertaining television. Tonight, with three women remaining, he said something like, "I can honestly say that I've fallen in love with three women." Is that possible, and if so, is it something you would want? That sounds like a horribly confusing, tormenting experience to me, and I'm just not sure it's possible. I think the Bachelors and Bachelorettes always have their minds made up, but the producers make them look over the photos on the mantle and tell Chris what a hard decision they have ahead of them, just to keep us from flipping over to NBC to watch The Olympics.

How about this, Seven Readers: Let's say that you could either fall in love once or three times in your entire life, but the three times all had to come at one time? Which would you choose and why?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I Hate It When . . .

. . . You're waiting to use the self checkout thing at the grocery store, and the guy in front of you has a million items, and he's searching for turnips on the little screen thing. Just tell the machine they're tomatoes, and ring up your shit, asshole. Right?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

"Wrap It Up, B"

There is a Big Mac Wrap at McDonalds, and it got Dr. Ken wondering, is it any more healthy because it's a wrap? Do we automatically think something is healthy when we hear the word wrap, even if said wrap has the contents of say, a Big Mac, the worst thing for you in the world? The good doctor has done some research for you.

Big Mac Wrap: 330 calories, 19 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat.

Regular old Big Mac: 578 calories, 32.5 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat.

So, the wrap is only half as bad for you but still pretty bad for you. I think the word "salad" has the same effect. You can get a fried buffalo chicken salad, and suddenly it's healthy, right? "Light" can fool us too. A serving of light eggnog still has 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 of unsaturated fat, 25 mg of cholesterol, 21 grams of carbohydrates (20 of which are from sugar).

Hey, Seven Readers, are there other words or phrases that trick us into thinking stuff is healthy?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I Just Heard How . . .

. . . intense the Olympic drug testing is. Apparently you have to let the drug guys know where you are 24 hours a day (which shouldn't be a problem if these athletes have Twitter accounts), and an inspector randomly comes out to see you. If you're not where you say you're supposed to be around three times in a month's time, you're off the team.

Every athlete must consent to this, even the U.S. Curling Team. Yes, curling, where you get down on your knees and gently push a granite stone while your teammates aggressively brush in front of it. Actually, it's a lot like shuffle board, the game retirees play down in Florida.

Now, I can see where maybe a juiced up sweeper could maybe give a team a slight advantage, but few could argue that the guy slowly releasing the stone gets any kind of benefit from performance enhancing drugs, except for maybe his quads looking better in the tight pants.

What do you think, readers? You think all athletes should be subject to drug tests? I'm coaching chess right now. Should I test my kids for 'roids?

Good Point

I was listening to a podcast with Adam Carolla, and he asked the question, why do so many helicopters have no doors? Of all the things to need doors, right?

Monday, February 08, 2010

I'm sure there's a bizillion bloggers posting about this, but did you, my Seven Readers, see where Sarah Palin had notes written on the palm of her hand when she spoke at the National Tea Party Convention, whatever the hell that is? The notes were a list of items: tax cuts, energy, and lift American spirits. The beauty of it is that getting busted with her cheat sheet came after she had poked fun at President Obama for using a teleprompter. This is just too stupid to believe. I may actually have to tune into Saturday Night Live for the first time in around five years to see what they come up with.

Dr. Ken doesn't need to make a note to himself to lift American spirts; he just does it naturally. It's the byproduct of the way he lives his life of awesomeness.

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Friday, February 05, 2010

I watched this when I was home alone, and I was really, really scared. Even without the funny music and effects, wouldn't this scare the crap out of kids? If I find any evidence that Mr. Rogers was friends with John Wayne Gacy, I'm going to be pissed.

As always with clips on my page, be sure to turn off the awesome music by hitting pause on the music player along the left panel of this page.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

I had a friend who, in college, did these two things:

1. Shotgunned a can of Mountain Dew and immediately threw up. I guess he was so into shotgunning at the time, that he thought why not try it with a can of highly caffeinated and carbonated, disgusting soda?

2. He would go to parties and ask girls to get a look at his new "watch," and when they looked down, he would have his penis gently draped across his wrist.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

"Living Better Now. Coogi Sweater Now."

As Gancey Girlfriend and I were walking out of the grocery store, we saw a couple walking a dog, and the dog had a funny sweater on.

Gancey Girfriend: Oh, look at the sweater on the dog!
Dr. Ken: Yes, it's a Cosby sweater too! And he's a Black dog! Wait, is that racist?

Monday, February 01, 2010

I've been trying to bulk up because I've always been kind of on the skinny side. Yeah, it's good to hear that I'm in good shape compared to some other people who are 33-years-old, but that's just not that great to hear, actually. So, I bought a bunch of weights on Craig's List from some German dude who had to go back to Germany, perhaps for the Scorpions farewell concert.

The funny thing about lifting weights is that you feel buff, so you're walking around all day like a hard ass, and then you look in the mirror, and you're the same scrawny puke you were before working out. It's frustrating. It also doesn't help (or maybe it does depending on how you look at it) that Gancey Girlfriend works out religiously along with Billy Blanks, and with her 5'10" long leg kicks and increasing muscle tone, it kind of looks like she could kick my ass if she needed to. That's not okay.

Because I watch so much mixed martial arts, I decided to use those guys as a model for how I want to look, because that's so realistic, so I found a guy who's my height (6'2"), and a reasonable weight to achieve (185). Here's the problem: Look at this guy!! I don't get how I can be so thin and weight 190, while Michael Bisping is five pounds lighter and totally ripped. I thought muscle weighed more than fat? If that's true, then this guy must have zero fat, and I'm like 70% body fat. This could be quite an uphill battle . . .