I had only two topics that I wanted to write about saved in my phone after all this time, and here they are:

1. Man Shed: I have always been fond of the notion of a man cave to house all things too tacky to be displayed for anyone but select guests.  As a matter of fact, the tackiness of my basement would be such that even my closest friends and family wouldn't want to go down there.  I like things like those white Christmas trees.  Not because I like them, just because they suck so, so hard.

Anyone else dreaming of a white tacky-ass Christmas?

And I would have that anamotronic band from Showbiz Pizza down there like the guy in this clip and program them to perform all my favorite heavy metal songs.

"South of Heaven live from South of the untacky part of the house!

Of course there would be lots of sports memorabilia and a bar because I am fond of sports and drinking. The problem is that I will never be able to afford a mystery cave that opens up when you twist a statue like in Bruce Wayne's mansion.  Truth be told, I wouldn't even have the money or space to waste a perfectly good basement on my rebelling against what society says is good taste.  Sadly, that's a fight I would fight out in my backyard, freezing my ass off in my poorly constructed man shed with its walls covered in nudey posters and a roof letting in freezing rain, huddled in the fetal position drinking a can of beer with one hand and with the other trying to adjust the rabbit ears on my black and white television to faintly see the Cubs losing 11 to zip in the fourth.

2. Nursing Home Orgy: Someone was just telling me that there is an increase in STD's in nursing homes now due to the following factors -  (1) An old age meat market up in there due to all the baby boomers getting to that age (2) Older people in better health these days which makes them stay sexually active later in life (3) Old people not giving a good god damn about using condoms in their 70's.  And who can blame them?  I hated them in my 20's.

I looked it up, and it's true that STD's are spreading like wild fire in those joints!  I just don't like the idea of getting a call from the retirement home to hear about my grandpa coming down with a case of drip dick.  Good heavens, Grandpa!  And how much lube must they be going through nowadays around there?  Do they get their morning pills every day and their daily bucket of Astroglide?

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Out of the blog-o-sphere all this time, and this is what I come up with?  My pathetic man shed dream and old people doing the nasty?  The really nasty as the case may be.  What's up with all of you?  I'm going to run down the blog roll and see . . .

"Herpes Simplex 2: Part 1."

(The title doesn't mean there will be more parts to this story.  I just thought it was a funny title, like "Rambo: First Blood Part 2.  Let me know what you think, readers.)

Joanie and Jon are enjoying steaks fresh off the grill, seated at the dining room table in their modest two bedroom ranch style house that they rent, with their one-year-old daughter sound asleep in the next room.

"So, how was work, babe?" Asks Joanie, smiling lovingly, as she refills Jon's wine glass."

"Thanks.  It was okay.  The doctor visit wasn't as good though.  Got some kind of bad news, I guess."

"Oh no!  What is it?" Asks Joanie, setting her fork down, wiping her mouth and turning to give him her full attention.

"He dropped the H-Bomb on my ass."

Joanie furrows her brow trying to figure out just what in the hell that meant.

"I got the herpes, babe."

Joanie abruptly stands up, puts her hands on both sides of her head, makes a face of hers that Jon knows all too well as pure anguish and begins to pace the around their narrow dining room.

"Hey, relax, it's not a big deal" says Jon, trying to calm her down, but it wasn't working.

"But it is.  It's completely my fault.  I know the exact time where I gave it to you.  I sort of felt an outbreak coming on but thought maybe I was just itchy down there because I didn't wear undies that day and my jeans were rubbing me funny."

Jon starts to laugh, "It's totally fine" he said, continuing to cut and take bites of his steak.

"Are you kidding!?  It's a huge deal.  I've infected you.  Yuck.  I'm so gross.  And now you have it for life too!  Why aren't you mad at me!"

"Why would I be mad?" Jon asks, slugging back the rest of his wine.

Joanie is now even more visibly upset "Because not only did I give it to you, but I did so recklessly, taking a chance like that only to give you the "h-bomb," as you so grossly put it.

"Hey," Jon says, "I'm allowed to make jokes like that with you now.  We're herp buddies.  For life."

Joanie, "Stop messing around!  You always make jokes instead of say how you feel, but if you're mad, I wish you'd just tell me.  Because I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself.  I know I was a wreck when I got it.  You maybe just haven't allowed it all to sink in quite yet."

"Listen, babe" as Jon grabs her by the hand, "I knew one day you would likely give me this thing.  I was going to get it sooner or later.  Who really cares?  I don't plan on going anywhere or being with anyone else."

Joanie persisted,"But you don't know that!  Would if you found yourself single and stuck with a lifelong STD?  You would curse my name for the remainder of your days."

"Nah, I'd just sign up for herpdate.com and meet some insane, horny herpes chicks.  Hahaha.  I'm sorry.  But seriously, to be honest, I freaked out for a minute in the doctor's office, but by the time I got to the car, I was like: I got herpes for life.  And I got Joanie for life.  And I have our beautiful daughter for life.  And it's okay.  It's more than okay.  It's perfect.  I love you, Joanie."

Joanie cried and threw her arms around him, and after the crying had subsided and he had kissed away the last of her tears, they made completely risk free love on the floor, as to not wake their daughter because their crappy bed always creaked loudly.