Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I had only two topics that I wanted to write about saved in my phone after all this time, and here they are:

1. Man Shed: I have always been fond of the notion of a man cave to house all things too tacky to be displayed for anyone but select guests.  As a matter of fact, the tackiness of my basement would be such that even my closest friends and family wouldn't want to go down there.  I like things like those white Christmas trees.  Not because I like them, just because they suck so, so hard.

Anyone else dreaming of a white tacky-ass Christmas?
And I would have that anamotronic band from Showbiz Pizza down there like the guy in this clip and program them to perform all my favorite heavy metal songs.

"South of Heaven live from South of the untacky part of the house!

Of course there would be lots of sports memorabilia and a bar because I am fond of sports and drinking. The problem is that I will never be able to afford a mystery cave that opens up when you twist a statue like in Bruce Wayne's mansion.  Truth be told, I wouldn't even have the money or space to waste a perfectly good basement on my rebelling against what society says is good taste.  Sadly, that's a fight I would fight out in my backyard, freezing my ass off in my poorly constructed man shed with its walls covered in nudey posters and a roof letting in freezing rain, huddled in the fetal position drinking a can of beer with one hand and with the other trying to adjust the rabbit ears on my black and white television to faintly see the Cubs losing 11 to zip in the fourth.

2. Nursing Home Orgy: Someone was just telling me that there is an increase in STD's in nursing homes now due to the following factors -  (1) An old age meat market up in there due to all the baby boomers getting to that age (2) Older people in better health these days which makes them stay sexually active later in life (3) Old people not giving a good god damn about using condoms in their 70's.  And who can blame them?  I hated them in my 20's.

I looked it up, and it's true that STD's are spreading like wild fire in those joints!  I just don't like the idea of getting a call from the retirement home to hear about my grandpa coming down with a case of drip dick.  Good heavens, Grandpa!  And how much lube must they be going through nowadays around there?  Do they get their morning pills every day and their daily bucket of Astroglide?

Out of the blog-o-sphere all this time, and this is what I come up with?  My pathetic man shed dream and old people doing the nasty?  The really nasty as the case may be.  What's up with all of you?  I'm going to run down the blog roll and see . . .


Gorilla Bananas said...

Man sheds are magnets for homeless tramps to shack up in, so maybe that would be your good deed for Christmas.

I'm really sorry to hear about the STDs in nursing homes. What is the world coming to if you can't boink an old broad without a condom? Every home should have a clinic giving weekly check-ups so all the infected ones can be quarantined.

the infected ones

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Homeless sex shacks and old people VD quarantines are both solid ideas.

Jimmy Fungus said...

The nursing home orgies sound worse than hell to me. Perhaps God will have mercy and let me die first. The ShowBiz Pizza band singing rap or Heavy Metal songs is an idea with such potential. Man, you don't know what you have stumbled onto here...

billy pilgrim said...

for some funny reason i changed the name of my man cave to "the nest". for the life of my i can't remember why but i can't remember most of the stuff i've enjoyed the most in my life.

it's probably due to alcohol and drugs but the benefits far outweigh the risks.

Fredulous Yo said...

Do STDs really matter when you're over 70?

When I'm 70 and end up in a nursing home because some guy put me in there who's grown detached from the whole process after two decades of having to put strangers in nursing homes (because I'll have no family to care for me, which I'll regret), I probably won't give a damn.

Mr. Shife said...

It seems fitting that I close out 2014 learning about nursing home orgies. Thanks Dr. Ken. Happy New Year.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jimmy: Couldn't agree more. No to old folks orgies. Yes to Showbiz animatronic band.

Billy: I like the sound of the nest. It's perfect. I picture it being built of sticks and you're watching a football game while sitting on a Cadberry Egg. No?

Fred: This is quite the miserable demise you are gunning for. I love it!

Shife: Phew! You nearly made it out of this year without uncovering that beautiful piece of information.