That Guy's Vein Is Kickin'

The other night a friend was saying he was throwing a party at a bar called Fat Pour, and I thought for all the world that he said fat porn.  This got me thinking that I have seen a couple of fan porns.  One night my buddiess from our high school track team decided to get together one night to watch a couple of these disgusting films.  One of our friends worked at a video store, and I think his morbid curiosity got the best of him, staring at those boxes in the little room behind the curtain all those times.  We settled in for a horrifying double feature: "Life in the Fat Lane" and "Fat Liners," both of which were equally gross.  They were just a series of big buff studs taking on really fat women, and one of them, the headliner, was around 800 pounds.  She looked like the Michelin Man.

Every ripple is like a new position in the Kamasutra!

Years later I ran into a guy from the track team who was there that fateful night.  He had long hair and would listen to Nine Inch Nails between races, which is of no consequence, but a fine choice for music, I think.  Anyway, he said, "Do you remember what you said that night that had us all laughing our asses off?"  I could not even wager a guess.  I was a much quieter and shy guy back then, believe it or not, so when I would finally say something, it was usually a doozy.  Apparently what I said when turning away from a close up on a big screen of a guy's wang was "Ugh, that guy's vein is kickin'."

Baby, It's Cold in Those Undies

This morning I agreed to run up and down a bunch of hills at the Arboretum, a place where people walk around and look at trees, I guess.  I thought it would be a good idea to run some hills to get ready for the Oakland Marathon, of all places.  Maybe some bullet dodging training should be in order as well.  I have lots of bad ideas.

A couple miles in and I was regretting this decision.  The good news was that slowly the hangover was fading.  The bad news is that as that dissipated, I started to freeze my dick off.  That isn't meant simply as an uncouth figure of speech.  No, I was quite literally freezing my dick off.  I have got in a lot of trouble spending nights trying to get that part of me into some warm (sometimes wet) places over the years, but this was a far more dire situation. 

When that part of your body gets really, really cold, it's hard to concentrate on much of anything else but getting your privates warmed up, but I did think of this: The last time I was shopping for jogging clothes, I didn't buy the running tights to keep my bottom half warm because they were all overpriced, which is strange because the tops in the same material are like a third of the price.  However, when you find yourself in an Arboretum in bitter cold temperatures and in danger of contracting hypothermia of the penis, money is no object.  I will now pay anything they want to protect my little man from the elements.  I swear (looks down to his wang) I will never put you in a spot like that ever again. 

We survived, me and him.  Thanks for reading over the years, everyone.  I know there are a few too many dick jokes and the like around here, but I really do value those of you who have come by over the years to share in my idiotic journey.  Happy holidays, everyone. 

Searching Through My Phone for Topics

It has been too long since I have posted, so I'm looking through the notepad function on my crappy flip phone to see what I jotted down that I thought would be funny.  It probably isn't at all funny, but the fact that I jotted down something that makes no sense will hopefully be interesting onto itself.

Let's see . . .

Better name for a man's genitals, you make the call:

The greatest hits is more like the genitals' accomplishments

Or does this only work for Black beans and franks?

Don't Ask Me Why . . .

. . . but LSD, Oates, and myself (The Liars Club) were talking about uncircumcised penises, and two Liars think they look like the worms from Tremors, while the other thinks they look like the sandworms from Dune.

What do you think?

Do they look like this?

Or more like this?

Peen Wash

A good friend of mine was just in town for the Heterosexual Life Partner's wedding for which Dr. Ken was the best man, and this good friend was telling us over tapas about an odd incident he witnessed in college.

He went to Purdue University where at the time many Japanese students attended, and in the bathroom one day, a Japanese fellah was peeing next to him. They both finished peeing at the same time and ended up at the sinks at the same time, where out of the corner of his eye, my buddy saw this guy wash his hands, and then take out his penis and wash it too, with the same rubbing hands together motion you would use to do the hands, only with a penis in between.

Sound weird? We all thought so, but then the good Doctor did some research . . .

Apparently this practice is common among Muslims, so maybe this guy was just keeping it real in accordance with the Koran?

I also read where some people just think it's good hygiene, especially if you're uncircumcised because one guy here said that he got a film under his penis that started to smell . . . Yuck!!

Anyone ever hear of this practice, see it done, or just have some thoughts on the matter? Leave a comment or wash my penis. Those are your only options.