Monday, August 25, 2008

Gay Froggy?

I just had a dream where I learned that Froggy from Our Gang was a homosexual, and that's why felt a need to hide* it from the rest of the gang with that manly, raspy voice.


*Not that froggy, any other member of Our Gang, or even one of the Three Stooges, for that matter, should feel like they have to keep their sexual orientation under wraps. Here at The Gancer, we believe all characters from black and white short films can sleep with whoever they like. I can't believe that the disclaimer footnote was longer than the post. I just don't want anyone to think I'm a Gay Froggy Basher because nothing can be further from the truth. Seriously, how could anyone hate on that little fella?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Random Topics Chosen From Those Lottery Balls

Seriously. That's how I arrived at these topics. I have one of those machines with the air blowing around, my lovely assistant picks them out at times like this, and it's great fun. Round and round they go . . .

1. Scandinavian Olympic Ineptitude: I go for underdogs in all sporting events. I'm a lifelong Cub fan, I pulled for the Jamaican Bobsled Team in and out of the movie, I was stoked when Eli and the New York Giants beat the cheating Patriots, and I probably would have been the only guy thinking a little naked guy with a rock stood a chance against Goliath. That being said, I'm not big on rooting for America, especially in basketball, where they're dunking all over these other countries like it's a Nerf hoop.

It's times like this where I start pulling for Sweden and Norway, my Nordic brethren. So far, it’s clear that I’d be better served to just wait until the winter games, where my homies from the snowy mountains excel a little more. I’ve heard Norway has a decent rowing team, and why wouldn’t they? They’re Vikings. Sweden had a Greco-Roman wrestler take a bronze, but then he had a Greco-Roman tantrum, throwing his medal on the ground, and was later stripped of it by the Olympic Committee. I may follow suit with a hissey fit of my own if these blond boys don’t start sacking up.

2. He Had “The Glow.” Julius Carray, who played Sho’nuff, The Shogun of Harlem, in 1985's Berry Gordy’s the Last Dragon recently died. I got the news of his demise from a buddy of mine who felt a need to text me about his demise from pancreatic cancer. Apparently, this buddy's father went to school with him, and used to kick his ass all the time, which may have inadvertently inspired Sho'nuff to study the martial arts. In case you haven’t seen Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon, it’s essentially a remake of Bruce Lee’s The Last Dragon set in Harlem with mostly Black people. The tall, lanky Sho’nuff stole the show with great lines like “Kiss my converse,” “Nigga’ please,” and “Ain’t I the prettiest mo-fo ‘round town?”

He spent the rest of his career primarily as a steady actor on lot TV with roles on shows like The A-Team and Murder She Wrote. It would have been great if he had told Angela Lansbury to kiss his converse, or even better, and downright confusing, if he had told her, “nigger, please.”

3. Ungrateful Cat Massage: Have you seen cats knead someone? My girlfriend's cat rubs her down with her paws like she's kneading dough. Apparently, it's what they do to stimulate milk production, but it's also a sign that they are comfortable and happy with their owner. I had only had one rub down, on my ass, until this morning when I got an awesome one on my left pectoral "muscle." It felt like a million bucks, but I wanted her to do it to the other one. You know, even it out. Little help, cat? She's trying to let me know she's comfortable, and I just want her to even out my breast massage. I'm so selfish.

4. Cubs game with vision: Saturday I'm going to my first Chicago Cubs, who are in first place, game since getting my contacts. Not being able to see the score board at my last Cubs game is what inspired my visit to the eye doctor. You'd think it would have been not being able to read street signs, but if you think that, you don't know me very well.

5. New Goliath Groupers from Cuba Are 6 Feet Long, Over 1000 lbs, and May Be a Whole New Species: I'm sure this is an exciting find for oceanographers, marine biologists, and whoever else digs on fish, but all I could think about was my buddy who is six feet even and around 400 lbs. How is it that this fish weighs 600 lbs more than him? My next thought was that the fish must be really dense, but I don't see something getting a whole lot more dense than my boy. Curious . . .

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Dio Decision '08

My sister called me the other night, and she wanted to settle an argument about who sang Rainbow in the Dark. Being a bit of a savant in the area of rock knowledge, I often find myself in an argument settler positions. You'd think this would annoy me, but quite the contrary; I love putting this otherwise useless knowledge to good use. I was quick to tell her that it was none other than Dio, fronted by Ronnie James Dio, who performed that lovely slice of 80's metal. I then tried to tell her some more fun facts like he's really, really short, so the video was shot up at him to create an illusion of tallness, and that Ronny brought the hand devil sign (throwing metal) into the culture of heavy metal. She then tried to act like she had more pressing matter to attend to, so that I'd stop throwing out rock fun facts at her. In her defense, I could have went on all night about RJD.

This got me thinking about a blog I meant to do a long time ago, but it got shelved. There are literally hundreds of these shelved topics, and it takes an event like my sister's phone call to make them a reality because there are no "shelves" outside of the recesses of my loony little brain. The topic is this: What is the better Ronny James Dio Song - Rainbow in the Dark or Holy Diver.

My roommate and I got in a heated debate about it. I won't say who is on which side, so that I don't sway the votes in either direction. I will say that one of us drunkenly blew his voice out in a casino trying to belt out one of these numbers with his tragically non RJD-like voice.

Below you will find the two youtube videos. Please watch both for as long as you can stomach, and even if you think that heavy metal music is all rubbish, and even if you think rock n' roll is noise polution, please pick one song or the other. Try not to be too heavily influenced by the piss poor production of the videos because it is the song that we're trying to assess here. I know, picking between these two for some of you will be like picking between root canal or a prostate exam, but you must pick one.

Holy Diver. Ronny sure knows how to brandish a big ass sword, and how about that twitching, dying guy at around 3:40. Now that's metal!

Rainbow in the Dark. Concept: Dio and his bandmates are coming with a little too much metal for this square to handle.

Perhaps this one should have remained shelved, but we've come this far, so cast your votes in the comments, seven readers. Let's settle this age old (one year) debate between countless (two idiots) people.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Jumping the Love Gun

I have a friend who is in love with his relatively new girlfriend. He hadn't dropped the L Bomb (said "I love you") in a long, long time, so while he was very apprehensive about releasing the love hounds, he also was real ecstatic about going for it.

He had thought of all kinds of times to do it, like a dance floor of a wedding reception, during a nice dinner on her birthday, etc., but one thing he was sure of was that he knew he wanted it to be perfect.

Then, during a night of heavy boozing, seemingly out of nowhere, she says it first. She said it first! How dare she!

What do you think about this, seven readers?

1) Is the man supposed to say it first, and is it all right for the woman to be the first to do so?

2) Is it on par with a woman purposing marriage, and while we're at it, is that okay too?

3) Should he just not give a damn, be happy to have someone he loves who loves him back, and stop sweating the small stuff all the time like this?

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The A Team

At my summer job, there's nothing worse than biking all the way out there to find that I will be working a shift with coworkers who are lazy, dumb, uninteresting, and dangerous combinations of all three. The other day I was thrilled to see that all the kids I would be working with were not only good at what they do, but all funny and a good time. Whoever makes the schedule will never allow for that much awesomeness in one shift ever again, but for those eight hours we were a crack team of vigilantes. We were . . . The A Team.

Sgt. Bosco "Bad Attitude" B.A. Baracus: The part of Mr. T's famouse character would be played by our only African American working that day, and although she's a girl, she has the bad attitude, Mr. Baracus' namesake, in spades. Her 'tude isn't mean spirited, but she most certainly doesn't take any crap. She's someone I can count on to handle her BIZZ-NAZZ. Perhaps I should ask her if she's willing to try a new hairstyle (Mohawk) and wear a little more jewelry (just 50 pounds worth or so).

Capt. H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock: The all important, wise cracking craziness of Murdock was handled masterfully by a witty, young photographer from Indiana. He's always saying something off the wall and most of the time he's funny as shit. He was telling me the other day that his father works at a prison, teaching inmates valuable skills, and he (his dad) loves pussy. To me, that sounded like his old man was chasing women and cheating on his mother, so I said, "You mean he loves all pussy, like he cheats, or he's faithful and just loves your mom's pussy." He replied, "Just my mom's pussy I suppose," and as he said it I could hear the crack in his voice having just been tricked into talking about his father's love for his mother's pussy.

Lt. Templeton "Faceman" Peck: The heartbreaking love machine Face was portrayed by none other than perhaps the finest Irishman I've ever known. He worked with us a couple of summers ago, and now he's back for another go. He's a sweet kid, a real gentleman, but like most every summer help Irish kid I've known over the years, he aims to land as much American tail as humanly possible, making him perfect for the role.

Col. John "Hannibal" Smith: This is where I come in. Although I don't smoke cigars, I am the oldest, I have been working there the longest, and like George Peppard, I too love it when a plan comes together. I was a happy man that day because plans were coming together like a muthafucka.

How's about you, seven readers? What role(s) of any movie or TV Show do you or any of your coworkers fill?

Also, if you have a moment, swing by starpulse to see a piece I did that just went live today: The Top 10 Least Intimidating Professional Wrestlers of All Time.