Thursday, August 21, 2008

Random Topics Chosen From Those Lottery Balls

Seriously. That's how I arrived at these topics. I have one of those machines with the air blowing around, my lovely assistant picks them out at times like this, and it's great fun. Round and round they go . . .

1. Scandinavian Olympic Ineptitude: I go for underdogs in all sporting events. I'm a lifelong Cub fan, I pulled for the Jamaican Bobsled Team in and out of the movie, I was stoked when Eli and the New York Giants beat the cheating Patriots, and I probably would have been the only guy thinking a little naked guy with a rock stood a chance against Goliath. That being said, I'm not big on rooting for America, especially in basketball, where they're dunking all over these other countries like it's a Nerf hoop.

It's times like this where I start pulling for Sweden and Norway, my Nordic brethren. So far, it’s clear that I’d be better served to just wait until the winter games, where my homies from the snowy mountains excel a little more. I’ve heard Norway has a decent rowing team, and why wouldn’t they? They’re Vikings. Sweden had a Greco-Roman wrestler take a bronze, but then he had a Greco-Roman tantrum, throwing his medal on the ground, and was later stripped of it by the Olympic Committee. I may follow suit with a hissey fit of my own if these blond boys don’t start sacking up.

2. He Had “The Glow.” Julius Carray, who played Sho’nuff, The Shogun of Harlem, in 1985's Berry Gordy’s the Last Dragon recently died. I got the news of his demise from a buddy of mine who felt a need to text me about his demise from pancreatic cancer. Apparently, this buddy's father went to school with him, and used to kick his ass all the time, which may have inadvertently inspired Sho'nuff to study the martial arts. In case you haven’t seen Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon, it’s essentially a remake of Bruce Lee’s The Last Dragon set in Harlem with mostly Black people. The tall, lanky Sho’nuff stole the show with great lines like “Kiss my converse,” “Nigga’ please,” and “Ain’t I the prettiest mo-fo ‘round town?”

He spent the rest of his career primarily as a steady actor on lot TV with roles on shows like The A-Team and Murder She Wrote. It would have been great if he had told Angela Lansbury to kiss his converse, or even better, and downright confusing, if he had told her, “nigger, please.”

3. Ungrateful Cat Massage: Have you seen cats knead someone? My girlfriend's cat rubs her down with her paws like she's kneading dough. Apparently, it's what they do to stimulate milk production, but it's also a sign that they are comfortable and happy with their owner. I had only had one rub down, on my ass, until this morning when I got an awesome one on my left pectoral "muscle." It felt like a million bucks, but I wanted her to do it to the other one. You know, even it out. Little help, cat? She's trying to let me know she's comfortable, and I just want her to even out my breast massage. I'm so selfish.

4. Cubs game with vision: Saturday I'm going to my first Chicago Cubs, who are in first place, game since getting my contacts. Not being able to see the score board at my last Cubs game is what inspired my visit to the eye doctor. You'd think it would have been not being able to read street signs, but if you think that, you don't know me very well.

5. New Goliath Groupers from Cuba Are 6 Feet Long, Over 1000 lbs, and May Be a Whole New Species: I'm sure this is an exciting find for oceanographers, marine biologists, and whoever else digs on fish, but all I could think about was my buddy who is six feet even and around 400 lbs. How is it that this fish weighs 600 lbs more than him? My next thought was that the fish must be really dense, but I don't see something getting a whole lot more dense than my boy. Curious . . .


M360 said...

i think i first. i cant rewad your words. i m drunk

Steph said...

The cat thing, I heard it was like a mating ritual. Kinkeh!

Anonymous said...

Then maybe you should go to US Cellular instead. GO SOX!

The Trailer Of Love

Helen Mansfield said...

I am down with your support of the underdog, and I am right there with you. But, even I have my limits. If the Cubs don't make it to the series this year, I'm packing up my Cub stuff and putting it all in a box. 100 years is just humiliating.

This time last year, my husband swore the Cubs off and went with the Tampa Rays, and look how they're doing. Bastard.

Onto the subject of kitties, well they're weird. I used to have a cat that would kneed me like that and drool. Sometimes he'd chew on my hair. You have to take the kitty loving how it comes.

Oh, and I can't wait until some VFW hall up in Kenosha or Racine start having 1,000 pound grouper fish fridays on Friday night. I'll let you know when there is one. Thems good eatin'.

Lauren Elizabeth said...

I used to have a cat that would do that to my dog. They're both small and white, so I think the cat thought the dog was it's mother. The cat was also deaf, so I don't think she was the smartest.

Heff said...

Cats only give a damn about THEMSELVES. The cat was just "kneading" to make itself comfortable. Good luck evening out your pecs .

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

360: As promised, you delivered a drunken comment. Thanks!

Wil: Don't tell me you've gone to the dark side. There's still good in you. I can sense it . . .

Helen: You're really going to give up on our Cubbies if they screw the pooch? How sad. Well, even though you and your hubby are fair weather fans, I'll still join you for a Goliath Grouper VFW Fish Fry.

Nut: That must have been cute. They look damn cute when they do it, right? I swear this cat looks like she's concentrating, like a trained masseuse.

Heff: You sound like me before I met this cat. I was the biggest cat hater "'round town." It's not metal to like cats, so I feel you.

So@24 said...

I imagine your assistant with nice round cheeks and a huge rack.

Am I close?

Michael5000 said...

When my cat was merely elderly, she used to give me kneading backrubs if I laid on my stomach. It was the bomb. Now that she's truly ancient, though, she doesn't do that anymore. Actually, she doesn't really do much of ANYTHING anymore. But she's still cool.

Zen Wizard said...

I had an idea for the Chicago Flubs that they should let Nicorette build them a stadium instead of Wrigley, and that way they would still be sponsored by GUM--but by gum that is twenty dollars a box instead of fifty cents a pack.

Even with the "bully pulpit" of my blog that reaches millions of readers, the idea never caught on.

The only other idea I have regarding the Chicago Flubs involves that hottie from "My Boys" and extracting her from her pain-in-the-ass man-tourage and plying her with alcohol.

That "idea" is more of a mindfart about picking up a fictional chick; it is sort of akin to spank-bank fantasies about sex with a hot Klingon; it will never happen.

Helen Mansfield said...

Zen: At least picking up fictional chicks is safer than having sex with a hot Klingon. Even a Klingon dame would behead you after she was done with you.

Ick. Can you even imagine Klingon sex? They've got ridges on their nose and foreheads ... what would their girly-parts look like?

Ewww ... what about the manly parts?!?

I've out-geeked myself!

The Charming Hedonist said...

Waiting until you can't read the scoreboard to have your vision checked.... It's when you're missing the important stuff that it's time to do something about it, right Doc?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

SO: My lovely assistant looks a little like Shirly from What's Happenin'.

5000: I love that you said, "she's still cool." hahhahahha.

Zen: That Wrigley idea isn't too bad, actually, but the Klingon Sex thing might now be doable. You may have to let that one go, but who knows.

Helen: I've never thought about what a Klingon va-jay-jay would look like, but I'm sure Captain Kirk could sketch one for you. He's nailed every type of alien lady, even Vulkans. I sure hope Vulcan vadge isn't like their ears - pointy.

Charm: I'm not a doctor, but I play one on my blog.

Casey said...

Obviously if a critter does not have to move around with its whole weight pushing down on it, it doesn't help it as much to be light.

It has to do with density inside the tissues of an animal. That's why it was such a big deal when animals made the leap to being a land animal.

Sort of the same reasoning behind having fat people do rehab in swimming pools.

Heff said...

I like Cake.

Jenni said...

Cats are creepy. It's shit like this that makes me a dog person.

And you're Scandinavians are known for our agile and limber nature in snow. Which is why I want to move to Hawaii.

Take that as you will.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Casey: Fat people in swimming pools kick ass.

Heff: I can't believe Heff just came back to tell me that he likes Cake. You don't mean the band, do you? Well, you did capitalize it, which would suggest that you did mean the spoken word rock band that irritates me.

Jenni: A lot of cats are creepy. Actuallly, every cat I've ever met has given me the heeby jeebies. This one is my dogg (two g's).

Kritkrat said...

You had me until you started talking about the fucking asshole Giants with there douchebag snot-nosed quarterback. I can't think of a worse team in the NFL - oh wait, that would be the Patriots.

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