Tasty Beers and Random-Ass Conversation

My good friend, LaFontaine, and I stopped into a new Brewery to review their beers.  Actually, he has knowledge of beers and has a site where he rates them, and my specialty is more in the area of engaging and notating the "Random Conversation" where I will relay to you what goofy things were discussed at the time we drank each one.  I'll give my "Impressions" of the beers too, but you'll want to go by Lafontaine's page for a more in depth analysis of that sort of thing if you are a beer enthusiast.

Atlas Golden Ale
Impressions: "Is this one flat?"
Random Conversation: LaFontaine and I were talking about a professional wrestling party that I am throwing soon, and he had to admit that, due to being a Black guy, he will have to go as Junkyard Dog with a giant chain around his neck and "thump" written on his ass.  We also decided that girls would need a whole other theme because we couldn't have 14 Miss Elizabeth's walking around up in that piece.

Demeter Belgian Wheat
Impressions: "I always like the wheaty ones better."

Random Conversation: I pointed out that LaFontaine didn't notice that I had grown out stupid-looking mutton chops this summer.  He said that he noticed them, but he didn't think I was looking for commentary on them.

Brother Mauro
Impressions: "This one says it has lychee aromas in it.  Who could give a beer a sniff and discern that it smells like a fruit I've barely heard of?"

Random Conversation: The men's gymnastics were on in the Olympics, and LaFontaine and I decided that if you show us a man who is good at the pommel horse, we will show you a man who has racked his craw dads horribly and painfully over-and-over again when he started doing it.  

Nalad Summer Belgian IPA
Impressions: "Citrusy!  Sunny Delight should make a beer.  Maybe it could come in the same bottle shape, only a 12 oz version!"

Random Conversation: I was telling LaFontaine how I had a dream that my girlfriend and I were staying at a hotel in Idaho for whatever reason, and she killed a couple people.  I remember that she had her reasons, and while I thought killing them was a little drastic, I was on board for helping her get away with it.  We paid with a credit card, which had me worried that if they found the bodies, police would have our names to use as a list of suspects.  Then I was trying to convince her that we should drive our asses to Mexico.  I asked LaFontaine what this dream might mean, but he said he stopped listening midway through and again marveled at how those gymnastics kids don't bang their testicles on that pommel horse.  

Diversey Pale Ale
Impressions: "Creamy!  Remember Creamsicles?  Was there a difference between those and Dreamsicles?"

Random Conversation: At this point LaFontaine and I were trying to decide which bar to watch The Bears this football season.  For me, whether or not they played "Bear Down" after a touchdown was a biggy, while beer selection was a deciding factor for him.  I'm confident that through perseverance, we can come to a peaceful resolution.  I have a dream - sicle . . . 

Hyperion Double IPA
Impressions: "I hate the hoppy ones, but shouldn't this be hoppier if it's double the IPA because IPA's are always the hoppy as heck ones that dry my whole mouth out?"

Random Conversation: I pointed out that LaFontaine's stuffy nose didn't sound as bad as when he came in, and we were thinking that if beer cured the common cold, Chicagoans would never have the slightest sniffle.  

Deep End Stout
Impressions: "This one is like drinking a steak!"  

Random Conversation: We were talking about DSL's, which is a crude acronym for women's lips, if you must know, and he was trying to convince me that NFL sideline reporter, Pam Oliver, was fine as hell in the 1980's and had some really nice DSL's.  I looked it up, and it wasn't easy to find a picture back far enough to convince me, but ultimately, he's right!  Thank you, google images.  

1871 Smoked Porter
Impressions: "I didn't care for this one at first, but the more I drink, the more it's my favorite one.  It's a grower, not a shower."  

Random Conversation: LaFontaine at this time mixed 2/3 of the Deep End Stout with 1/3 of the Double IPA, and we both loved it.  Two of the guys who worked there dug it too, and one of them had to admit, "I think you guys just discovered our best beer . . ."  Yes!  We are alchemists.  I then got a whole pint of the LaFontaine Blend, and then "sampled" (read "chugged") way too many Bud Lights with my buddy, Oates.  

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Again, swing by LaFontaine's page if you're curious what all these things actually tasted like, and I did another one of these called Night of the Horrendous Beer Tasting with my other good friend, The Locust, where we drank some of the most vile winter brews under the sun.  

What do you think, readers?  Any beer you could recommend?  Any ones that you would pass up even on the worst Friday of work of your life? 

Wine Tasting Smart Asses

Well, a while back I posted a project I did where a friend and I drank piss poor winter beers, and now I bring you a wine tasting with mostly similar results, this time with a girl I'm sort of seeing who we will call, Law School Dropout.

First off, from the "silky" category, we had a sip of Heinz Eifel Riesling Spatlese

From: Mosei, Germany

Price: $13.99

Their Description: Full-bodied, flavors of peach, cit

rus, and apricot. Good with sushi and spicy cu

isine.

Dr. Ken's Impression: "This would go good with a sour apple Jolly Rancher."

Law School Dropout's Impression: "Eh, not my style."

Next, from the "bold" category, we tried out Ello Grasso Nebbiolo

From: Langhe, Italy

Price: $25.99

Their Description: Stop sign red with medium intensity and a nose of Maraschino cherries, red licorice and mineral notes. Tart, good acidity, leading to a long, lingering finish.

Dr. Ken's Impression: "He said it has tastes of tar and leather. Is that good?"

Law School Dropout's Impression: "It's real smoove."

And then we had, also from the "bold" category, had a snort of Qupe Syrah

From: Central Coast, California

Their Description: Beautifully balanced, delivering a balance of fruit, spice and tannins (whatever that is).

Dr. Ken's Impression: "That one dries you right out."

Law School Dropout's Impression: "I want some mashed potatoes with that."

Lastly, from the "nectar" category, they poured us Heinz Eifel Eiswein.

From: Germany

Their Description: Rich and flavorful, only the nectar of the juices getting extracted and fermented into the wine.

Dr. Ken: Trying to sound smart, "Is it pears, or something?"

Law School Dropout: "I'm struggling with this."

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I warned the gal I brought that I would likely be silly in there, not over-the-top like Jim Carrey, more like an understated smart apple like Bill Murray. For instance, I asked if the Heinz one was from the same people who brought us the ketchup. Also, when another gal asked us if we were familiar with the menage a trois in wine, I said, "Not in the wine realm, no." That one was really awkward because it was the gal's first day, and I think she thought we were propositioning her.

So, if any of my Seven Readers are headed to Napa Valley, bring the good doctor along because he doesn't know dick about wine, but he's good for a laugh . . .

The Night of the Horrendous Beer Tasting

A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine, The Locust, went out to Delilah's here in Chicago to celebrate the birthday of The Uncle, who is not my uncle, but my Heterosexual Life Partner's (HLP) Uncle. <----- That's sounds confusing, but trust me: It all makes perfect sense.

We got there really early because The Uncle and his buddies had around 3 other stops before they were going to get there, so The Locust and I decided to do an impromptu beer tasting of a few of the 100 winter beers that they were featuring. When we asked the bartender which ones were good, he told us that he is not a fan of winter brews, and we should have taken that as a warning to try something else. Instead, we suffered through some of the crappiest pints of dark, demon piss we have ever had to wince through and choke down in all our storied years of beer drinking. We needed a spitoon, or at least we could have had the good sense not to finish them all. But, sadly, he and I both have a problem with leaving unfinished pints on the bar. Here are the results, complete with a rating on a scale of 10:

Anchor Christmas, 2003:

- Dr. Ken's Rating: one.

- The Locust's Rating: one.

Comments: "It tasted a bit like a vinegary ass."

Bells Christmas Ale, 2010

- Dr. Ken's Rating: initially I rated it a four, but then after tasting how bad the other ones were, I gave it a seven.

- The Locust's Rating: 8

Comments: "This one was sort of refreshing after suffering through all those weird ones, but it's still not all that great."

Lakefront Holiday Spice, 2010

- Dr. Ken's Rating: 4

- The Locust's Rating: 5.5

Comments: "Don't ever get a beer with "spice" anywhere in the title. Is that curry in there? Holy hell, is that ever bad!?"

Winterkoninske, 2006

- Dr Ken's Rating: 3

- The Locust's Rating: 3

Comments: "This one had a beautiful winter scene on the bottle, but it tasted anything but beautiful. It leaned toward that vinegar taste of the previous one, but not quite as ass-like; but still pretty awful."

Newholland Ichabad Crane, 2010

- Dr. Ken's Rating: 4

- The Locust's Rating: 3

Comments: "This one was on tap, and it was incredibly flat, which ordinarily would be a problem. However, after all these horribly strange-tasting brews, a flat one was just fine."

Pabst Blue Ribbon, 2010 but won the Blue Ribbon a million years ago in 1893.

- Dr. Ken's Rating: 10!

- The Locust's Rating: 10!

Comments

: "I have never been so happy to have a beer that tastes like a beer, even if it's still not all that good. Wow. Best two bucks I ever spent!"

Epilogue: Winter brews are not good and a little evil, actually, but stepping into a cozy and warm hole in the wall on a cold and blustery Chicago night is always a good idea.