The Lobster Man

The last two summers I rode a rickshaw bike/cab as a summer job, but the 4 or 5 summers before that, I was at Navy Pier, taking pictures of tourists.  I'm back on the pier for this summer, and I had my first day back yesterday.  I really like it there.  I have limited responsibility since I'm starting back at entry level, and it's not a job where I have to use my brain a lot - like my real job.  What I do a lot of is getting sun, cracking jokes with customers and coworkers, and just enjoying myself.

Because of all of this, I was in a terrific mood when I saw The Lobster Man walk by.  He is a man who appears to be in his 40's or 50's, has long blond professional wrestling hair and build, always shirtless, always tanned/leathery, and he's always drinking beer outdoors on the pier.  He looks almost exactly like Dog the Bounty Hunter if that helps.  Someone I knew who tended bar out there got to know him a little, and evidently he claims to have had a high profile government job for many years that he couldn't talk about much, which affords him the lifestyle to drink 7 or 8 beers at $7 a pop every other day or so during the summer.  I know another guy who has heard about him and is pretty sure he is the same guy he sees shirtless driving around in a Ferrari. 

So, as I said, I'm already in a great mood when I see the The Lobster Man walking past me on the way to hang the hog (go pee), so I said, "Hey, good to see you, man!" as if I know him personally, which I don't.  He either recognized me, or more likely just played along when he said it that was likewise good to see me.  Strange that I was so stoked to be back on the pier that I just blurted out how happy I was to see The Lobster Man.  It's going to be a good summer.  I'll be having a $7 draft with him out of a small plastic glass with him really soon, and as the beer instantly gets warm from the heat, the two of us will talk about all the men he has killed for this great nation.  

Asshole Bird on the Loose!

There is a bird dive-bombing people at Navy Pier on a daily basis. I have been attacked three times myself. He is a small, black bird with red lines on his wings. My dad is more than likely going to look it up, so I will soon be able to discern whether this is common practice for this species or if we have a rogue, psychotic bird on our hands. His assaults don’t hurt, but it scares the shit out of you. He comes swooping in from behind, hits you in the head, with what some have said his feet, but I don’t know how the hell they can tell, he lets out a squawk, and by the time you turn around he’s gone.

Some have said he may be protecting a nest, which I don’t buy. I mean, I’m just walking by with photographs to sell to people, and I’m not even looking at your nest. Now that you’re hitting me in the head I want to scramble up your unborn children and make a hobo skillet out of them, but If you had just left me alone I would have never entertained this notion. My theory is he’s just an asshole. I can tell by his little squawk that he’s an asshole. Keith, a coworker of mine, has been hit a few times too. He said one day he sensed he was coming, so he turned around just in time to see him come to a stop and backpedal flap away like a little bitch. So, we’ve learned that he only attacks those who don’t look. We thought about putting our sunglasses, which I lost the other day (shit!), on the back of our heads in the hopes that he will think we are looking. If that doesn’t work I’m going to get John Rambo on his ass.

I was all for settling this matter peacefully, but the other day I was hung-over and crabby and he delivered his hardest blow to date, knocking my sunglasses (which I need to buy now, damn!) off my head, and causing me to yell, “God damn it!” at the top of my lungs despite the fact that there were kids everywhere. I have come to the conclusion that the ultimate tool to send this little prick to birdie hell is a tennis racket, so I’ll be bringing a Head racket with shock absorbers tomorrow. Sorry if this offended any animal lovers out there, but he started it and I’m going to finish it.