I have a few more weeks of vacation to enjoy, and I'm spending a little time right now at a place called Heritage Bikes in Chicago where you can get coffee and get your bicycle fixed.  At least I think they'll work on your bike because there are bikes everywhere in this joint.  Anyway, I thought it would be a good day sit outside enjoying the weather with a cup of coffee and catch up on blogging.

A few things . . .

1. So, I got married on August 1st.  When I started this blog back in 2005, I was fresh off a divorce that left me pretty scared and confused.  I thank any and all readers who have been along for any part of me documenting my misadventures in dating and other things.  It has all led me to the right lady, and I'm very happy.

We got married in San Francisco.  Mrs. Noisewater's grandfather volunteers on a ship on Fisherman's Wharf, the very boat he served on during the Normandy Invasion in World War II.  They fired off the cannons when we were pronounced man and wife, it was all pretty awesome, and everyone had a great time.  

I'll never forget waiting in my tuxedo for the "first look" photo, which in case you don't know (because I didn't until a couple weeks ago) is the photo session of the bride and groom right when they see each other for the first time before the actual wedding.  I was standing on a pier facing the bay with my back turned to my bride coming towards me (it all reminds me of some ancient Greek mythology), when this cool black man walks by and says to me "Damn, you look debonair as fuck!"  I have had a lot of compliments in my day, but I doubt I will get one with such a perfect blend of robust vocabulary, profanity, and a perfect delivery.

That's an actual picture from the big day.

2.  The honeymoon was relaxing, beautiful, and a downright love fest in Maui.  I hadn't ever been to Hawaii, and if it weren't for the fact that it's really expensive, I would probably go every year.  We signed up for a tour where a van picks you up from your hotel at 2AM and drives you up a volcano.  They give you jackets and gloves and things because it's freezing way up there, and then you watch the sun come over the horizon right at eye level.  It was pretty incredible.  You are then given bicycles and a helmets and you coast on your bike down the volcano!  We got dropped off back at the hotel at 12PM, and it was like, "What do we do now?  We've already biked down a volcano before noon!"

Here's a volcano crater sunrise pic from the internet that is better than the ones I took on my crummy phone.

 3. The other night my bride and I cooked a nice meal together and opened up a good bottle of wine.  We were looking for something to watch and she says, "Why don't we watch this beach volleyball match that you taped?"  I got the right lady.  She's awesome.  Awesome "as fuck," as a matter of fact.

This isn't us.  But this is how I felt after her DVR choice.

Mr. and Mrs. Noisewater's Love Story

This is the story of the meeting of Mr. and Mrs. Noisewater that I wrote that will go on the site for our wedding.  Hope you enjoy.

Did I ever tell you about the time I met my bride to be?  It all started back when I was living at the apartment on Nelson Street in Chicago that I lived at with a revolving cast of four roommates for seven years.  We were having a birthday gathering for a good friend and a good roommate, and I was telling the guests the story about the time some middle aged woman gave me her powder blue paisley jacket with shoulder pads.  What happened was I was at a bachelor party and arrived back at the hotel before the rest of my friends and was waiting at the bar.  I saw her goofy jacket slung over the chair and this happened:

Dr. Ken: That's a sharp jacket you got there.

Jacket Lady: Buy me a beer and it's all yours.

Dr. Ken: Sure.  What'l it be?

Jacket Lady: MGD.

Dr. Ken: Bartender, one MGD please.

I didn't know it was a female jacket.  I guess I didn't notice the shoulder pads at the time.  I just slapped it on and texted my best man, Mr. HLP, "I am at the bar in a Mr. Furley jacket!

"No sticker for me?"

So here I am at the apartment telling this story when it dawns on me that I should put The Jacket on as a visual aid to give my listeners a better indication of just how awesome it is.  You just have to see it to believe it.  When we make it out to the bar, I'm in one of those moods where I just decide to go out in public donning The Jacket.  So that's what I did.

We ended up at Four Treys, a wonderfully divey karaoke spot in the Roscoe Village neighborhood of Chicago.  After singing a song or two, I'm feeling pretty tremendous when a gorgeous brunette saunters by, slaps a sticker on the shoulder of my jacket and says, "that's an awful jacket" and just walks by without stopping.  I said to my friends that I had to go talk to this one because she gave me a sticker and she has good taste - the jacket is quite ugly.

She was standing over by the Galaga machine, so I thought it natural that I challenge her to a game.  Galaga is a lot like Space Invaders, only the bad guys swoop down on you from all sorts of angles and you can rescue a second ship to get a double shot going.  She said that she has never played but would accept my challenge.  I figured knowing the whole double shooting trick would give me a clear advantage.  Wrong.  She destroyed me.  Mrs. Noisewater was deftly firing buttons to blast ships and moving her plane around while furiously dodging the alien ships and their laser blasts in a way that was demoralizing to me but sexy nonetheless.  I remember her starting to kick butt at the game and offering somewhat of an explanation for her expertise: "Careful.  I'm Asian, you know."  I tried to buy our historic Galaga machine years later for nostalgic reasons but alas, it was gone.  

Beaten but not broken, I asked for her number and we met up the following Thursday.  I remember picking her up with my car when she was stuck in Chicago's bitter cold and feeling like a hero.  Then on the third date she caught me looking up at the Bulls versus Heat game a few too many times and still liked me!    

We got nuts about each other pretty quickly, and then she got notices back from all of the graduate schools she applied to.  Jaemi was looking for a career change into urban planning, which was something more challenging and exciting for her.  She didn't think she would get accepted to any of the schools, but she got accepted to all three.  What is crazy is that even though we hadn't been together that long, we were both ready to tackle a long distance relationship with no hesitation, and off she went to live in Santa Monica California, enrolled in UCLA's Masters in Urban Planning program.

The distance was difficult at times, but it also meant taking fun trips to meet up with one another.  We met in spots in between Chicago and L.A. with trips to Austin, Texas and Denver, Colorado and spent one New Years together in Costa Rica.  I never bought into the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing, but it was true in our case.  We were so excited to see each other on my trips to California, or her trips to Chicago where we would sometimes Hotwire a "fancy" hotel.  Also, it made us really appreciate when the two years would be over and we could be together for good.  Forever.  That's what we plan on doing, and that's what we would love you to help us celebrate on August the 1st in one of the cities we travelled to together and fell deeper in love, San Francisco.  Thanks for reading.

Love,

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

Dr. Ken, Mrs. Noisewater, and Pau: The Oneness

I have been writing on this blog for a long time now.  Around 10 years.  Who I was when I started was a suddenly single young man (but pretty much a boy) fresh off a divorce.  There are entries about my single days on here that are sometimes funny, sometimes embarrassing, but always me.  No matter how much I have evolved and grown up over these years, it's still me.  And the roller coaster of my career changes are almost as nutty as the dating saga.  And yes, a lot of drunken tales of lunacy.

Then one day I decided to grow up.  I decided to make Mrs. Noisewater formally Mrs. Noisewater.

The ring was burning a hole in my pocket like Frodo walking through Middle Earth as we waded through the crowds in the Lincoln Park Zoo Lights.  Turns out Europeans must love lights and captive animals.  Sorry if you're European, but some of those folks can be a little pushy and shovey in a crowd.  We were both getting aggravated, and anger is not a good emotion to go on when one pops the question.

Then as we walked towards North Pond (a great little gourmet restaurant in the middle of the park), I thought somewhere en route I could do the deed.  Just as I was considering it, Mrs. pointed out that it was dark, swampy, and smelly.  She was right.  The Dagobah System* hardly has the right conditions for romance, so we forged ahead.

Anyone smell bat guano?

We were around a half hour early for our reservations, and she said we should just go in and have a bottle of wine at the bar while we wait.  I noticed that outside the restaurant there was a perfect skyline view overlooking the pond with some benches, so I said we should just sit down for a minute and enjoy the night and the view for a moment.  This is when she knew something was up because I wanted to do something like that rather than drink wine.

Essentially what I told her is that what I dig most about her is that she not only puts up with my weirdness, but she likes it.  She enjoys my company and we're both laughing all the time.  I then looked her in the eye, got one one knee, finally got that ring out of my pocket, and asked her if she was willing to spend the rest of her life with a nut like me.  She cried, said yes, and we eventually made our way inside.

The meal was awesome just like it was when we went at the same time last year (the day after Christmas - our relatively new tradition).  When we were getting ready to leave, Mrs. Noisewater pointed out that Pau Gasol (one of my favorite Chicago Bulls players) was sitting near the exit.  I decided I had to say something to him but not bother him and mess up his evening that he was having with a lady of his own.  I walked by, stopped by his table momentarily to say discreetly, "Hey Pau, keep it up.  Go Bulls.  Keep it up."  He smiled, gave me a fist pump, and I headed out of there high on life.  How could this day get any better?

Pau was surprised to see me that night.

I then surprised Mrs. Noisewater with an impromptu engagement party that I arranged with many of our good friends at a nice neighborhood bar down the street that has lots of peoples' dogs in there all the time for some reason.  We had some of our closest friends congratulating us, toasting us, and we were petting random peoples' adorable dogs.  What more can you ask for?

I know I have slowed writing production down a lot lately, but don't worry, folks.  I will NOT be that guy that finds love and then hangs up their blog.  I have seen that too many times, and I refuse to be that guy.  I want you all here with me when I move into another chapter of my life.  Thanks, everyone for being with me over the last decade.  It's been quite a ride.
_________________________________________________________
*That was my second nerdy reference.  Deal with it.  I'm a grown-ass nerd now.

"Herpes Simplex 2: Part 1."

(The title doesn't mean there will be more parts to this story.  I just thought it was a funny title, like "Rambo: First Blood Part 2.  Let me know what you think, readers.)

Joanie and Jon are enjoying steaks fresh off the grill, seated at the dining room table in their modest two bedroom ranch style house that they rent, with their one-year-old daughter sound asleep in the next room.

"So, how was work, babe?" Asks Joanie, smiling lovingly, as she refills Jon's wine glass."

"Thanks.  It was okay.  The doctor visit wasn't as good though.  Got some kind of bad news, I guess."

"Oh no!  What is it?" Asks Joanie, setting her fork down, wiping her mouth and turning to give him her full attention.

"He dropped the H-Bomb on my ass."

Joanie furrows her brow trying to figure out just what in the hell that meant.

"I got the herpes, babe."

Joanie abruptly stands up, puts her hands on both sides of her head, makes a face of hers that Jon knows all too well as pure anguish and begins to pace the around their narrow dining room.

"Hey, relax, it's not a big deal" says Jon, trying to calm her down, but it wasn't working.

"But it is.  It's completely my fault.  I know the exact time where I gave it to you.  I sort of felt an outbreak coming on but thought maybe I was just itchy down there because I didn't wear undies that day and my jeans were rubbing me funny."

Jon starts to laugh, "It's totally fine" he said, continuing to cut and take bites of his steak.

"Are you kidding!?  It's a huge deal.  I've infected you.  Yuck.  I'm so gross.  And now you have it for life too!  Why aren't you mad at me!"

"Why would I be mad?" Jon asks, slugging back the rest of his wine.

Joanie is now even more visibly upset "Because not only did I give it to you, but I did so recklessly, taking a chance like that only to give you the "h-bomb," as you so grossly put it.

"Hey," Jon says, "I'm allowed to make jokes like that with you now.  We're herp buddies.  For life."

Joanie, "Stop messing around!  You always make jokes instead of say how you feel, but if you're mad, I wish you'd just tell me.  Because I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself.  I know I was a wreck when I got it.  You maybe just haven't allowed it all to sink in quite yet."

"Listen, babe" as Jon grabs her by the hand, "I knew one day you would likely give me this thing.  I was going to get it sooner or later.  Who really cares?  I don't plan on going anywhere or being with anyone else."

Joanie persisted,"But you don't know that!  Would if you found yourself single and stuck with a lifelong STD?  You would curse my name for the remainder of your days."

"Nah, I'd just sign up for herpdate.com and meet some insane, horny herpes chicks.  Hahaha.  I'm sorry.  But seriously, to be honest, I freaked out for a minute in the doctor's office, but by the time I got to the car, I was like: I got herpes for life.  And I got Joanie for life.  And I have our beautiful daughter for life.  And it's okay.  It's more than okay.  It's perfect.  I love you, Joanie."

Joanie cried and threw her arms around him, and after the crying had subsided and he had kissed away the last of her tears, they made completely risk free love on the floor, as to not wake their daughter because their crappy bed always creaked loudly.

My girlfriend and I finally made it through the two years of a long-distance relationship while she was in graduate school.  I picked her up the other night from the airport, and we moved her stuff into my crummy apartment that is now our crummy apartment.

This morning I woke up and thought of something funny to text her, and while reaching to my right to grab my phone, I saw that she was right there to my left - next to me in bed.  Forever.

I pulled her in close, she scooted her behind in close to me, and we went back to sleep in each other's arms.  

I forgot what I wanted to tell her.  I'm sure it wasn't important.  

Sushi for One Is Like . . . The Wind

I was wore out after a long work day, and all I wanted to do was park the car, get something to eat, and pass out.  I didn't want to wait for something to be delivered, so I went to the sushi place across the street from my apartment and got a table for one.  That is fine with me.  I don't care that there are a few couples in there, a couple of ladies together drinking wine, and then a table of newly 21-year-olds talking about buying beer.  That's fine.  I'm a grown-ass man and can eat by myself.

Then suddenly, when moments ago I didn't even take notice what songs were playing, I hear the first few notes of "She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze, and now it feels really awkward being alone.  What a terrible, awful, melodramatic song, and with no one to laugh at it with, it just made me feel pathetic there alone, swirling my wasabi and soy in a lonely pattern.



Then it got worse.  They played "Picture" by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow, a song that my long distance girlfriend, who is right now a long distance away, have sang a bunch of times in numerous karaoke bars all across Chicago.  I know it's kind of a corny song, but it's also a pretty good one; and when it means something to you, the lyrics are suddenly profound.  Like the two in the song, I wanted to call her up to tell her I love her and to come back home.  I had to settle up the bill and get the hell out of there before I started crying into my sushi, blaming it on the ginger.

We had all summer together, and when she is done with these last 3 quarters of school, we'll be back together for good, but it is just hard on nights like this.  I just need other strategies besides Kid Rock's drink her away formula . . . .



How about you guys?  You ever been in a long-distance relationship and/or had a bad dinner for one experience?

Scene:

Jackson and Maya run in the same social circle and have been falling in love with one another over the past few months, and at this point, they have always stopped themselves at kissing. The only problem is, Maya is engaged to another man. The two have agreed to back off from one another until she has figured her situation out, as she says she's not being fair to all three people - something Jackson agrees with, but on this night, in a crowded bar, after numerous drinks, he just couldn't take it anymore.

The two keep sharing glances that alternate between smiles, looks of desperation, and looks of outright sadness. Suddenly, Jackson plays off like he's walking past her to go to the bathroom, but instead, he takes her hand, and leads her to a corner of the bar where they can talk. Granted, it's still loud from the music, but there is slightly less screaming and lousy singing there from the clientele.

Maya: Jackson, I can't.

Jackson: No, don't worry because I didn't pull you over to plant a kiss on you, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of it all night.

Maya: Yeah, me too, but . . .

Jackson: Well, don't worry about it because I'm a man of my word. Yes, I think this guy is a tremendous asshole, and an asshole that seems unwilling to change, and the brand of asshole destined to make you miserable - but here's the thing: I said I would "back off," and I am. I just want to know a few things because I can't just move on until this thing is settled. I can't go on thinking "what if."

Maya: Okay, what do you need to know.

Jackson: I have been thinking that maybe we've been idealizing each other because of our respective situations - because we know we can't go through with it. But, maybe we'd never work out to begin with. Maybe there is a big fat deal breaker that we haven't even thought of. For instance, when one person is a lousy kisser, everyone knows a suck-ass kisser is game over, but that's not a problem for us. In fact, that seemed pretty damn incredible on this end . . .

Maya: Yes. No problems there.

Jackson: Right . . . So, I thought of a few others that might spell disaster, and that way I can move on.

Jackson unfolds a crumpled up piece of paper that he has to stand awkwardly to pry out of his jeans pocket.

Maya: I guess you have given this some thought.

Jackson: Yes. I think about you all the damn time. I have "backed off" really effectively, per your request, and I've been all business around you, so you can't even tell, but you're on my mind constantly. You're absolutely killing me.

Maya: Yeah. I think about you too, but . . .

(Brief pause)

Jackson: So, number one, are you like a die hard Republican? It's not a subject that ever came up, but if you have extremely right-thinking politics, like you hate homosexuals or certain ethnicities, that would gross me out to no end.

Maya: (Laughs) No. I'd say I'm pretty liberal, Jackson, so that's out. What else ya' got?

Jackson: Damn it! Next up, where do you stand on religion because I'm an agnostic bordering on atheist, and it's highly unlikely that I'll ever "find God," so if you're looking for a religious guy, that's just not happening.

Maya: I think we have talked about this, and I'm pretty sure I told you that I was raised Catholic, God's a part of my life, but I don't go to church to talk to him.

Jackson: Aha! But would it bother you if the person you're with for the rest of your life is a non believer, and would you raise your kids Catholic?

Maya: No and no.

Jackson: Well, shit and shit!! Next up . . .

Maya: Stop right there. I completely get what you're doing, but I don't think finding one of these deal breakers is going to help you with whatever you're going through here.

Jackson: Well, how do you know? And don't say it's just me going through it because we know that's not true. Now, come on, I only have eleven more.

Maya: No, I'm not doing this anymore.

(Maya starts to leave and Jackson jumps in front of her)

Jackson: Wait, first off, you're saying you get why I'm doing this, but I'm not sure you do. I'm in love with you, and I can't keep seeing you and not tell you this. The reason I want to find a way that we can't possibly work is because I can't move on until I figure out you and I. I'm dating women, and I can't stand any of them because none of them are you. I'm trying with them. I'm sleeping with them, and that makes me feel even worse because my heart's never in it. My heart's with you. Okay, that sounded gay, but . . . I don't know, Maya - I just feel something, and I, like, never feel anything, and that has to mean something, right?

To be continued? Maybe, but that's all I have written right now.