Remembering Tiamat

I was tired at work the other day and said to myself "Man, I am draggin' like Tiamat." Tiamat is the only dragon I could think of at the time, although Smaug is one more people would know given the popularity of "Lord of the Rings."  Still, I like to let my inner nerd shine by referencing the Dungeons & Dragons mythical beast and one of the stars of the 1980's Saturday morning cartoon series.

Also, Tiamat represents a dark day in my past when I was around 8-years-old and snuck down to the Christmas tree before my parents woke up to find that I had the toy Tiamat, the five-headed dragon!  I yelled "Tiamat!" and my sister, my partner in crime that morning, told me to keep my voice down.  All that hard work my parents went through assembling those toys and laying them out, and they didn't get to see my genuine reaction.  When we got back out of bed to open gifts as a family, I had to fake the surprise of seeing Ms. Tiamat under the tree and scream her name a second time and fain the same level of enthusiasm.  All five heads appeared to be shaking their heads in their disapproval of my treachery and disappointment in my lackluster acting performance to conceal it.

I damn near just ordered this shirt. 

I played fricking Dungeons & Dragons as a kid.  I'll admit it.  It's cool to like knights and dragons again, I suppose, with the popularity of Game of Thrones now, but all you have to do there is flip on the television and talk about it at work on Monday.  D & D was a big commitment.  But I didn't mind rolling dice, reading all the rules, getting out the graph paper, and creating a character with all his/her attributes.  I'll admit it.  And I still remember all five heads that Tiamat had, the color of dragons, their breath weapons, and the order of how strong they were from strongest to weakest.  Observe:

1. Red: Fire.
2. Blue: Lightning.
3. Green: Poison Gas.
4. Black: Acid.
5. White: Ice Blast.

Shit.  I think I mixed up a few.  My nerd powers are waning over the years.

I always wonder what the stomachs were like for those green and black dragons to be able to belch up acid and poison gas.  What must their farts smell like?  Actually, in the case of Tiamat, all five heads shared the same body, as well as the same dragon butthole.  Do you think she could turn around and blast out all five breath weapons at once out of her butt?  How many hit points of damage would that do?

(Notice he tucks in his legs to avoid injury?  This isn't his first rocket blast fart joy ride.)

And this free association random-ass blog post has led us to . . . dragon farts.  Why not?

The GF and I came home drunk on Friday night, and we both wanted to watch a movie.  She popped in "Aladdin," which wouldn't have been my vote, but I'm glad I watched it again because it's still funny, the songs are good, and overall it just holds up well.  Robin Williams could probably have done the performance with 10 less impressions of celebrities that have nothing to do with anything, but beyond that, it's a good time.  The two of us actually sang all the songs loudly, so sorry neighbors.  We actually went into an impromptu a capella "Little Mermaid" song quite loudly, so I'm even more sorry about that.  But yeah, we nailed it.

Also, I have a confession: Back in high school, I was insanely jealous of Aladdin.  Why, you may ask?

Great minds dress alike.

1. He Has a Pet Monkey.  I have always wanted a pet monkey.  Yes, I know that they don't usually make good pets, and sometimes they rip your arm out of its socket or eat all the flesh off of your face, but they're just so darned cute.  Mine would for sure wear the little outfit like Abu, and he would definitely be perched up on my shoulder all the time, turning back flips every now and again, maybe right when I get off a good one-liner, just before I make a dramatic exit . . .



2. He Has a Hot, Exotic-looking Girlfriend With a Perfect (If Not Impossible) Body, and Giant Pretty Eyes.  And she's rich and doesn't dig rich guys.  Back in high school when I was watching this movie, she didn't really need to be any of these things.  Simply being not animated, having a pulse, and willing to sleep with a dork like me would have worked out great.

I don't remember her wearing this

3. The Son of a Bitch Has His Own Flying Carpet.*  Whenever I'm flying through my own powers in a dream, it's the coolest thing ever, and there is this feeling of complete control.  I would say I have had this dream around three times, and it's always incredible.  I'm pissed when I wake up because I know the dream is over and I can't really fly.  The ability to fly would be outstanding.  I could bypass a traffic jam, and then just wrap the carpet around my neck like a scarf and head into my business meting (or more likely the bar).  That or I would stuff it in a brief case so that I look important.  Any way you slice it, I want one of those things.

Okay.  I'm still jealous of that punk.  That street rat . . .

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How about you, readers?  You ever get jealous of a cartoon?  Roger Rabbit also comes to mind.  I was always funny as a kid but couldn't seem to land the giant chested songstress type . . . 

*You will notice that having the magic lamp is not on the list.  I have just seen too many problems with the whole wish thing in all the movies.  He can keep it.  

Snow Job

There was a G.I. Joe guy who came with a snowmobile, dressed in a white snowsuit, and his name was Snow Job.  If you're a guy around my age, you know it's true.  What the hell were they thinking?  Yes, the term can mean "an intensive effort at persuasion or deception," but you just know the parents who bought that action figure for their kids were thinking of the other definition, the one maybe mom had wished she had done instead that night so she wouldn't have had that damn kid she now has to buy war mongering toys for.  That was maybe too far . . .

I'm not sure  the military had a the "don't ask don't tell" policy back then, but can it be any gayer that his name was Figure Skater and his codename was Snow Job?  Pretty clear which way old Snow Job was leaning with his sexual preference, not that there is anything wrong with doing . . . figure skating.  

I bet he got ragged all the time by the other members of G.I. Joe, guys like Flint and Shipwreck, really any of them without fellatious names.  

Snowjobs special skills: Driving snowmobiles, winter survival, winter combat tactics, and sucking penises in the subarctic temperatures. 

I'm watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas," and it's clear Charlie, with his self-proclaimed inability to be happy, has untreated childhood depression. And it doesn't help that he has absentee parents who are never around and his friends shit on everything he has ever tried to do, always reminding him of what a loser he is. Plus he is a bald 7-year-old, so maybe he has cancer too? I can't watch this depressing tale any longer . . .