Get a look at that. Yup. That right there is a book full of CD's that is currently in Latifah (My cars always have Black chick names. No idea how that started). I unpacked them all out of the cases years ago and found the biggest book offered on Amazon to transfer them into to save space. Do you know that I am such a nut about my outdated tangible music format that I took the back covers out to slip into the sleeves so that I wouldn't lose any paperwork? Also, how could I part with some of these discs? You see that album on the left that reads, "Thirteen?" That is an album by a group called Horny Toad with Louichi Mayorga, founding member of Suicidal Tendencies. He came into the record store I worked at to drop off a few copies, but sadly I wasn't working that day. That album is one where if I threw it out I just know that I would never think to look it up down the line. And even if I did, I would never find it. The Horny Toads live on inside Latifah!
The giant book of CD's has been sitting on a shelf for years now, but something made me take them to my car one morning. I have been having a blast spinning some classics (classics to me, that is). The other day I played Jane's Addiction's "Ritual De Lo Habitual" all the way through. If you go through the effort of putting back the last disc, thumbing through for your next one, slipping the new one back into the player, and especially if you are driving during that whole process - then you're going to damn well listen to the whole thing.
This was the beauty of tangible music, and those days are long forgotten by many and never even known by newer generations. But, my god, I forgot how fantastic Jane's Addiction was. As I was playing those songs I got to thinking that girls loved that band too. They had a sexiness about them with the grooves they played, and they were all tattoo'd up rebel surfer types but with a hippy vibe. They had a heavy but funky aspect to their playing, a lot like the Chili Peppers, only Jane's had a good singer.
I'm off to a beach vacation tomorrow with my in-laws for a week, so I wanted to be sure to keep up on blogging weekly. I know I won't get a chance at the beach house. Your Mission, Seven Readers: Find a piece of tangible music and play it. Report back to me with your findings.
While having breakfast with Erik Noisewater this morning, I'm not exactly sure what made me put it on, but I keyed up "Enter the 36 Chambers" by The Wu-Tang Clan on my Sonos. I haven't listened to that one all the way through perhaps since the last millennium. As a matter of fact, this may have been the first time I have heard it in any other form besides cassette. You see, back in the mid 1990's when you bought an album, part of the process of deciding if you wanted the CD or the tape was whether or not you anticipated putting it on in the car or at home. You had to be rich to have a CD player in the car. Rap music to me was just cool as fuck to roll to in the car to like a pimp; leaned way back with one hand on the wall. You know, a white, dorky pimp.
Best pic of a Wu-Tang dad I could find.
There will never be another group like the Wu. A collection of rappers that talented from the same projects, all with something to say, with a sense of humor, with artistry and integrity, and with a brand new gritty style no one had ever heard. Very rarely can I listen to a rap album all the way through, especially as I get older. Even back then, I always thought it a little too bold of an idea when guys were coming out with double disc rap albums. But if there were 36 tracks on the Wu's debut, I gladly would have cruised the mean streets of my boring suburban town listening to every last one. Actually, it is so rare that I will listen to a rap album all the way through. I came up with this analogy, and let me know if it makes any sense to you.
Rappers are like professional wrestlers. So awesome to me back then, but as an adult I can't tell you anything about the modern day ones.
I could go down the rabbit hole from hell researching 1980's pro wrestlers, and I can still kick some rhymes when I hear those throw-back rap joints.
Behold: Ravishing Rick Rude. The best bad guy wrestler ever with his porno mustache, mullet, and sick abs, about to give some fool the Rude Awakening.
I have heard Kendrick Lamar is incredible, but I can't say that I have heard one thing by him. Still, I give him credit for going by his given name. Takes balls because those rapper names are so much more fun to think of and easier for fans to remember. Chance the Rapper sounds like just about the greatest guy for my city of Chicago, and I love everything he does for his home town. I just don't know squat about his music. It is like those lyrics just don't enter my brain like they used. They all soaked in there and stayed forever when I was a kid. I would hear a Beastie Boys song and have the whole song memorized after two listens. Now I hear that autotune sound and I just tune out, so to speak. There is no more room in my clogged-up, old balls brain.
Before the Internet there was no way to know for sure what all the lyrics were unless there was a lyric sheet in the album. Rap albums rarely had those. Metal albums almost always did, and they would even tell you which guy played each guitar solo. To figure out the rap lyrics I would put on headphones and write down each line and rewind them. Sometimes I would have to just jot down what it sounded like phonetically.
Even Ja Rule loves puppies.
I'm almost always playing my Sirius radio stations in the car, but on the actual radio there is a station, 104.3, which is all old school hip-hop and R & B. The other day I heard them playing that Ja Rule duet where the girl goes, "Love it when you fuck me, baby." Haaaayoooooo! They forgot to play the edited version. Young Erik Noisewater learned some new fun words in his car seat that morning. Some of the songs I never would have thought of until they popped up in the car 30 years later. For instance, "Freak Like Me" by Adina Howard.
This slice of R & B badd-assery came out a few years before Lil' Kim or Foxxy Brown. No woman back then was announcing that she was "freak," liked to hit it and quit it, and was every bit of a "dog" as the fellas, whilst she stuck her disproportionate derriere into the camera.
Hey, so I have to run. Baby Noisewater has a 1st birthday party for one of his little friends. That's our life now. Right or wrong. Anyone have any thoughts on old school rap, wrestling, song lyrics, or anything at all? Hit me up in 'dem comments!
When it comes to couples and music, some is meant to listen to together, and I bet you and that special someone have songs that you dance the night away to or scream out the open windows during a road trip with one another. But then there are others that us men need to hear on our own. You don't want her to like that band, and you never would in your wildest dreams expect her to. That band is just for you.
I conducted extensive research through surveying numerous men of all ages* to see which bands women hate the most. Now, outright metal is not on then the list would just be dominated by metal, and we wouldn't learn anything from that. Of course women don't like metal, and the ones that do are often scary and we don't want to date them. If she can beat the tar out of me in a pit, then I tend to get scared off. What I set out to do here is to try to find the bands that are hated by women not because they are too heavy for them, but because they annoy them for some other reason. This way we could find the common factors of non-metal bands that are loved primarily by men.
I conducted a study in which I played one of the top nine bands (in no particular order) that the men have determined to be disliked universally by females, and I recorded Mrs. Noisewater's reactions to them. Here is what I discovered.
DISCLAIMER: I got midway through this project and thought that I am really generalizing and making assumptions a lot with a list like this. And assigning gender stereotypes to music is kind of wrong. I know this. But I finished anyway because I was halfway through, and if I keep giving up on stupid projects like this, then I'll never finish any of my stupid projects.
1. Ween are so damn weird that when you're listening to them and someone else pops in they're like "Just what in the hell is this weird-ass stuff?" They play stuff that is very strange at first, but eventually that weirdness is . . . it's just Ween. There was no one else like them. Some songs are too obnoxious even for fans of the band, but then other times it's just genius. They have tons of songs that are in a wide variety of genres where Gene Ween sings entirely different for every song so that you can sneak them on without anyone knowing it's Ween. Then they got entire albums worth of stuff like the song listed below that is unmistakably Ween. And pretty darned annoying to the unconditioned ear. Sample Song: "Big Jilm" by Ween.
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "Halloween music and farting. Happy farts."
Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "I don't like it."
2. If you watch the concert video below you will see an arena filled with 95% dudes. This is because women very rarely like Rush. I think they have the perfect storm of elements rarely appreciated by female listeners: They're heavy, they're ugly (well the singer is. He looks like a chicken), they sing in falsetto, and they play progressive music. And then guys get together and air drum the hell out of their songs, and that doesn't exactly draw women into the band. Sample Song: "YYZ" by Rush
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "It sounds like a a promotional video for a gym with guys cycling and doing x-games
stuff.
Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: It's okay.
3. Steely Dan has the jazz type of vibe that doesn't seem to do it for everyone. I think there are a song or two that made it big on classic rock radio that infiltrated female audiences, but it's pretty rare that you find a hardcore female Steely Dan fan. Jerry Seinfeld really likes these guys, and he is man. Okay, it's true. I have zero basis for anything on this list . . . Sample Song: "Peg" by Steely Dan.
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "Sounds like bad wedding music. Or maybe Romantic
comedy background music.
Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "Is this Michael McDonald?" - I think that is not a favorable review.
4. Prog rock bands just seem to be a dude thing, and Yes played just about the most pretentious music you could find. Just look at the clip below: How many keyboard players are on that stage? Three? But I have the "Yes Album" and "Fragile" on vinyl, and they're both amazing. Oh, also, Rick Wakeman wore weird cloaks like a wizard, and Dungeons & Dragons outfits aren't exactly pussy magnets.
Sample Song: “Heart of the Sunrise” by Yes Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: This is the band where your friend wants you to go with to
see them and the plays has a bunch of weird-looking dudes bobbing their
heads.
Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "Meh."
5. The progressive thing seems to be a very common thread in these bands, and Frank Zaapa also had the weird factor going on, like Ween listed above. Like Ween, he also has mysoginist lyrics that additionally push the females away. Then again, Frank's wife did make quilts out of the panties thrown on stage during shows, I am told, so apparently chicks dug him at some point in his career. I just haven't met any. Sample Song: "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow" by Frank Zappa
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: This is also like background music, but it’s too annoying
to be in the background. I need to
put on a big flowey skirt and dance around with hippies.
Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "When is this game over?" - I think that means she hates it.
6. Grunge rock was huge with men and women alike in the early to mid 90's with bands like Pearl Jam and Nirvana, but Alice In Chains seemed to be bigger with the fellas. Perhaps it was that they played music that was a little heavier and really, really depressing. Those songs that make you want to do tons of heroin until you die don't bring loads of babes to your shows, but it is terrific on vinyl on a rainy afternoon. Sample Song: "Over Now" by Alice In Chains
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: “Why are they playing “Taps? Is this Alice N’ Chains!? You know I hate Alice n’ Chains!
Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "They sound like a bunch of whining teenage girls."
7. Tool played music that was heavy and progressive, and we are learning that those are sure fire attractions to dudes and dudes only. They also had videos with disgusting imagery of weird demon-like beings doing gross shit. I still don't like to watch that part in the "Sober" video where the monster guy opens up the pipe to find a giant bloody worm crawling through, and he touches it!
Sample Song: "Parabola" by Tool
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: This makes me want to slit my wrist.
I want to drink a bottle of whiskey and cry in the corner. This is Tool! It sounds like an insane asylum. It would drive me to an insane asylum and then I would throw
that bottle of whiskey into someone’s face!
Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: I knew she hates Alice N' Chains and Tool more than any other bands, so if I could have done it again I wouldn't have had them right in a row like this. She almost quit at this point, but I talked her into sitting through the last two clips . . .(skip to 4:45 to bypass the intro)
8. I suppose Dio is the most clearly heavy metal band on the list, and I was supposed to be avoiding metal bands. However, I did include him because of all his lyrics about dragons, sorcery, and witches. That's not subject matter that the ladies like to rock out to and sing with their girls. Or is it? See below . . . Sample Song: “Rainbow in the Dark” by Dio
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "I kind of want to dress up like a slut and dance with my
girlfriends."
Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "I like this one!"
9. AC/DC sang thinly veiled sexual innuendo rockers like "Big Balls" and "Sink the Pink." Do women like that? If I overheard an attractive woman singing "Sink the Pink," I would be pretty surprised. And frisky. But, now that I think of it, I can remember seeing a lot of concert footage of women lifting up their shirts and showing boobs and AC/DC shows. Still, they're a pretty dude heavy band if you ask me. Sample Song: “Let Me Put My Love Into You” by AC/DC
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "This is a song you would hear before a
sports game. It’s like a sports
pump up song."
Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "It sounds like AC/DC." That's actually a genius assessment because that is exactly what can be said of all AC/DC songs whether you like them or not.
What do you think of the list, friends? I have nine bands so I could really use your help to find that tenth . . .
________________________________________
*I group texted two friends who are around the same age as me. That was the extent of the research.
I went on a music trivia bar crawl yesterday where your team answered questions at various bars, and then you got the location for the next location through yet another question. The format was fun because they had word searches, puzzles, and one thing where you had to mingle with everyone there to guess which rock band/artist they were based on a clue. Meeting all the people was one of the best aspects of the day, and it is how I found my new book club.
Two guys were dressed as ZZ Top, but as I pointed out to them, they looked a little more like Hasidic Jews. They said they feared the same thing as they put their outfits together. Somehow they got talking about their book club that has been an excuse to get a night out away from their wives and rest of family to drink beer with their buddies. They have discovered that no wife will get mad about them going out for a book club. Pretty ingenious, actually.
Apparently one night a woman came over to their table and asked what they were up to. They said it was a book club, and she asked if she could join. One guy said "No way. This is guys only." She asked if she showed them her boobs, might that change their policy. They talked it over and decided that this could be the one and only way they could allow a female into the group. So she flashed her boobs, and they asked her to go ahead have a seat. Turns out she cuts herself intentionally (self-mutilates), and at the following book club she ended up making out with an Asian woman a the bar. She didn't show up to a third session.
I told them that the group sounds awesome, and they invited me to join (without having to show my boobs). They just had two questions: Do I like to eat meat? Do I drink booze? Yes and yes! I'm in! I thought it was really cool that they took such a liking to me and accepted me in. I reassured them that I won't be nearly as crazy as their and only female member. I seriously am giddy with anticipation for the first group. The guys seem really funny and intelligent, many are in a similar line of work as me, and I like a good excuse to get together with folks and have good conversations over a few pops.
How about you, readers? Got any groups of friends that you meet up with through any kind of regularly scheduled club or activity? And do you think I should try to track down the crazy boob-flasher to reinstate her membership?
I was at a holiday party recently in which the music was terrible. This wouldn't usually bother me that much (okay, it always bothers me), but I know the host had good music but was not allowed to play his own music - his wife's music was dominating. Then he was told to play music in the kitchen, and I'm thinking, "Yes! My boy's music will be in the kitchen, so I'll just hang out in there. That's where the booze is anyway." Nope. She came in there later and switched that to her music too.
Just when I was settling in with some decent scotch and starting to get a warm buzz on a cold evening, and just when I'm buzzed up enough not to care too much about the music, I suddenly hear this weird whimsical techno crappola stuff kick in that just couldn't be ignored. An instant record-scratcher track where everyone stops and says, "Huh???"
That's when I blurted out the following:
What in the hell is this shit? It sounds like what the Teletubbies play at one of their cocaine parties.
Then ladyfriend came over by my side to whisper to me that the song was something that a guest at the party made with his DJ'ing, and he was three feet away from me when I loudly delivered that comment. Oops.
In my defense, if you heard the song and my description, you would have congratulated me on instantaneously deducing exactly what it sounded like.
How about you, seven readers? Put a foot in your mouth lately?
I had a long day today. Stressful and emotional. I stopped off for a beer by myself at a good bar by my apartment. It's worth the extra few blocks because it's awesome. Talking about Journey Atari games got me engrossed with some of the regulars, and as some country music played, I got excited to go home and listen to "Bustin' Out" on vinyl by Pure Prarie League. I bought this record years ago only because "Amy" is on it, but it is chocked full of awesome southern rock. And I bought it for $0.49. Yes. Less than fifty cents.
I just read that paragraph and saw that I was excited to go home. Wow. Officially a dork.
Kim Coulter wrote her name in some permanent marker across the front of the cover of the LP. Don't you ever want to know who these people are? I imagine tons of people have sold this record for a host of reasons, but the way I operate is I need to know who owned THIS VERY COPY.
I'm a weird fan of rock music. The kind that wants to know who listened to this album and where. And which drugs were consumed. And did Kim have any feelings about having to part with this record, or was it Kim's daughter who sold it? And is Kim dead? Did Kim ever really dig this record? I mean, she cared enough to write her name on it . . .
Anyone else think at along these lines, or am I totally a nut. I am too nuts to be alone right now, right? Maybe I should just belly up to the bar again and stop being a nut.
Last post I took a look at the first ten on the list of things that annoy you if you're really into music, or whatever the author called it. So far 5 out of 10 on the list I had to answer with a "Yes, that bothers me." Let's see how I do with the final 11 . . .
11. "When you can't talk about a band without saying everything about the band."
Yes. I catch myself doing this. I need to work on just dropping that one anecdote and just stop. Just get in, get out. But I always get on tangents that could potentially be bothering those around me, and certainly bothering the female I'm with at the time.
12. "Only being able to start things when you've found the perfect playlist."
Yes. I can't do any work around the house until I have a good record picked out, and I certainly can't exercise in any way whatsoever without assembling a bomb playlist. In fact, I'm more likely to end up going to the gym if I know that a good playlist is waiting for me on the shuffle in my gym bag.
13. When you play a song for someone and it's not as awesome as you remember.
Yes. I just recently downloaded the theme from "The Lost Boys," and while it sounds so cool in the movie with all the vampire visuals, just hearing it on your iPod sound incredibly dumb.
14. "When someone refers to 'your music' so dismissively."
Yes. I was playing some Yo La Tengo at work a long time ago, and a bitchy coworker of mine at the time said, "Does your girlfriend like your music?" She said "your music" just as the author of this list intended.
15. "When you can't stop yourself from ranking everything."
Yes. Anyone who has been around this blog page for a while knows that I have made a lot of lists over the years, right down to the funniest douche commercials of all time, so yeah, I rank stuff too much.
16. "When you can't stop planning the songs they will play at your wedding."
No. But it's close. I don't care too much about making a list like that until it's getting close to take the time to take the plunge. However, I do think it's important for every couple to know what their first dance will be because that's their song. Mr and Mrs Noisewater's song is "The Air That I Breathe" by The Hollies, incidentally, and we will slow dance any damn place immediately upon hearing those soothing sounds . . .
17. "Or Your Funeral"
No. Not even I do that. This one might be the one you need to ask yourself to see if your music snobbery has gone slightly over the edge. Well, if I had to pick a song, I guess it would be "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Just kidding.
18. "When you need to keep a running list on your phone of songs you need to sing on karaoke."
Yes. I'm afraid to say yes. This one embarrasses me a little, but yes, I will make a mental note of a song I need to try out the next time I grab the mic. When next I sing, I was thinking I need to do some Phil Collins, but if I'm too hammered, then I always sing the "go to" songs that I can do on drunk autopilot.
19. "Then you never end up using it."
Yes. Or I try it once and it's way harder than I thought it would be. I thought one time it would be good to sing "Nickleback" because it's so bad, but because it's such a bad song, it's really hard to sing. It's a very awkward melody.
20. "When a song comes on that you just can't not sing along to."
Yes. But more I would say that I just can't sing one line or phrase that I think is particularly good.
21. "When people think they're super fans but only know the latest record."
No. This one would have been a definite yes for me a few years back, but I have really changed my ways. I'm a recovering music snob.
However, music snobbery is like herpes. It will go away for long stretches of time and then will rear its ugly head when something flares it up, like reading this list. Once you have it, you never entirely lose it.
Totals: 13 out of 21
Thursday, August 22, 2013
I just saw a list of 21 Problems Only Music Lovers Will Understand and I wanted to see how many of them fit this music lover struggles with. Yes means it bothers me, no means it doesn't, and let's see the totals to see how nuts I am, shall we?
1. "When people don’t realize that a hit song is just a cover of another song."
Yes. I once knew a guy who insisted that Clapton wrote "I Shot the Sherrif." I showed him evidenc (before the internet) that Marley wrote it, and he still insisted he was right.
2. "When someone asks you what your favorite album is and expects you to pick just one."
No. Pick one. Don't be a wuss. Dark Side of the Moon is the best rock and roll album ever recorded. Period. Any good music hard-ass type is nothing if he/she is not decisive.
3. "When you play a song for someone and they start talking."
No. Hearing a song for the first time doesn't always connect the first time through, and someone isn't always in the mood to hear what they want you to hear. Also, if you expect the two of you to sit there in silence while you force them to listen to something, you might be a nut.
4. "When the radio overplays the single from your favorite new album."
Yes. A recent example is the new Daft Punk. I loved it until I saw that it was playing on every station. I know it's stupid to not like something because everyone else does, but damn it, I can't help not wanting to have much in common with so many idiots.
5. "When the new album from a band you love gets a bad review."
No. People have their opinions. Lord knows I have them; only mine are always right.
6. When you have to wait 10 years between albums.
No. A band can take as much time as they want, but when they do wait that long, they usually come back only to suck. Weezer gathered a million fans during their long hiatus, came back with a fairly good record that was nowhere near as good as their first two, and then made a shit album every year ever since. So, you can take a lot of time off, but will likely come back sucky.
7. "When you have your headphones on and forget you’re in public."
No. When I see people air drumming or singing on the train or something, I always think how dorky they look, but it doesn't stop me from punching a low-flying branch as my high hat as I crush a drum fill on a jog.
8. "When no one gets your obscure music references."
Yes. That can be annoying, but the best thing to do is in that situation is just text a friend that you know will get it. What is more annoying is when there is a really cool song is in a movie or playing somewhere it shouldn't be and no one knows that it's amazing that the obscure song is being used, and that's why I have to go with a yes on this item.
9. "When you ask someone what they’re into and they say, 'Oh, you know. Anything.'”
Yes. But the wording of this one really matters. When someone says that they are into "all kinds of stuff" and then they are able to at least name some interesting things they like, fine. But if they just have a vague "anything" response, then yeah, that sucks.
10. "Or they say they don't really listen to music."
Yes. Well, I guess it doesn't bother me; I just pity them. Unless they're into some kind of art, be it film, painting, sculpture . . . something! But it makes me wonder what kind of life they are leading where they're not stopping to appreciate anything beautiful in the world as it passes them by.
- - - -- - - -- - -- - -- - - -- - -- - -
Okay, this list is long. Maybe I'll tackle the other 11 on the list next time. I'm 5 out of 10 so far. What do you all think? Do you agree or disagree with any of these? Are you a music obsessed nut-job type? Bottom line is this: I would have been a yes to every one of these about 5 years ago, so what does that say about me? I'm growing up? For better or worse?
For some reason, whenever I am at a wedding reception I always think back to all the other ones I have been to; the best and the worst moments. Without question, the worst wedding band of all time goes to the reception after the wedding of my good friend, Omega Supreme.
Omega is a 6'5" African American fella who is now happily married to a wonderful 6 foot plus white woman. They are going to have some giant children whom I hope play for the Chicago Bears, be they male or female. Now, Omega let me know beforehand that he wasn't too happy about his bride-to-be booking her cousin's band for the occasion, but there was just no getting her to bend on that issue.
The band was not very talented, or perhaps they just haven't rehearsed in a while, and they had a random trumpet player who would sneak horn playing into songs whether the song called for it or not. They also jammed out self indulgent solos through out the songs, which wasn't really necessary and made the already poorly chosen songs longer and even harder to dance to. What was perhaps the most uncomfortable part was that they were very, very white. They only song I can remember them playing was "Hey Ya" by Outkast, a song that was around ten years old at the time, but it seems as if they played it in an attempt to get the Black people out on the dance floor. But to be honest, the white folks weren't dancing to anything either.
This is not a picture of the actual band, and if this is your band, I'm sorry to use you to be the visual for the worst band ever, but you kind of deserve it.
When the band would take one of their frequent breaks, the groom would run over to the speakers, plug in his iPod full of awesome songs, and people of all colors, shapes, and sizes would dance their faces off. Then the band would set back up, and it was like your parents coming home when you were throwing a bash while they were out and the fun is very much all over. Everyone would go back to their seats or back to the bar.
I was chatting with Omega Supreme over a Budweister, and for some reason I was singing "to the window . . . to the wall!" And he said to me, in this funny intentionally whining voice that he does sometimes, "Dr. Ken, youknow I want to hear the "to the window to the wall song." But it was not to be. The worst wedding band of all time continued their rain of terror well into the evening, but with enough shots of Jameson and enough stories about old times, we still had a great time.
How about you, Seven Readers? You got a best or worst element of a wedding ceremony or reception?
Saturday, June 08, 2013
The windows are not so good in my ancient Lincoln Park apartment, and sometimes I can hear every word people say when they are drunk and loud in the alley outside my bedroom. My ladyfriend, LSD, is in town this weekend, and for whatever reason I decided to talk back to these idiots late last night. The guy was in the alley on his phone, telling his friend, "I just hate electronic music." So I opened the window and said, "What's wrong with electronic music?" The guy told the person on the phone, "Someone just said what's wrong with electronic music?" He didn't at all get the point that I was trying to tell him to shut the hell up and let me sleep. I guess he just thought I was coming to the defense of electronic music. He doesn't know me too well. LSD and I had a good laugh at this exchange and were still laughing when we got up this morning; and stayed in bed laughing for as long as we could.
Friday night I met Gung Ho out at the dueling pianos bar because I was anxious to meet his new 24-year-old girlfriend (we're slightly older). If you haven't been to a good dueling pianos bar, you should give it a try. They always have a couple of very witty and talented guys cracking jokes and taking requests, enough to give a man a serious case of pianist envy (did I make that up? Probably not). And just as a raucous night was starting to peter out, in saunters a pair of 30-something gay men, one in a ship captain's hat and both very drunk. They were just sitting at their table, not talking to one another, looking like they were trying to take some deep breaths to avoid throwing up. This is when I decided to write up a request saying: Can you play "Love Will Keep Us Together" by Captain & Tennille for those two boys at the back table? That is when the evening kicked right back into high gear.
(Here is a video I found on Youtube of a night at Sluggers with people dancing with the pole on top of the piano. I guess in this modern age you should be sure you won't be filmed if you decide to give pole dancing a whirl . . .)
The piano player with the Blackhawks jersey laughed his ass off at this notion, asked for the Captain's hat while he played that number, and launched into the song. This was the Captain's cue, with or without the hat he brought, to dance around the stripper pole on top of the piano, drunkenly. He then whipped his shirt off to reveal a pretty awful body and a plumber crack sticking out the back of his jeans. It was looking like he was going to barf from all that spinning around or fall off and hurt himself, either of which would have made my night, but his partner (Tennille?) didn't seem amused or even interested in any of this as he continued to do his breathing exercises. With a slight frame slab of a torso that went right up to his clean shaven bald head, Captain looked a lot like a real live dancing penis up there, and who would not be enthralled by that? The security, that's who, and they came over and told Captain to put his shirt on and chill out, which he did but it wasn't easy because he continued to try to dance a little bit and he was drunker than hell; a drunk dancing penis trying to put on his shirt.
What a great night. I woke up the next morning laughing, and when I saw my mom at dinner later that night, she laughed too when I told her about it. Hope you enjoyed yet another tale from the bars, Seven Readers. And now, Captain and Tennille . . .
(Doesn't Tennille sound like a bit of a controlling psycho type if you listen closely to the lyrics, like she might slice the Captain's dingy off if he ever strayed from the marriage?)
1. My buddy Night Train was wondering why we have v-necks for better boob viewing when there are clearly two boobs to be seen. Hence, why not w-neck shirts? Be looking for that at Banana Republic very soon.
2. My other buddy Southie was talking about the plain-Jane-looking girl on 90210 that worked at the school paper with Brandon, the one that was really like 35-years-old when they started filming, and I thought for sure I heard Southie say "rape through it." He didn't, but then we said rape through it 19 times through out the evening. No, rape isn't funny, but the phrase was cracking us up because, well, we know each other well enough to know none of us are rapists.
"Ooh! I know the phrase for that!"
3. Well, if you're still reading and not crafting your angry comment lambasting me for the last topic, let me know what you think about the next one: Why is it that Matt or Matthew is such a common name, yet so few Black people are named it? The Chicago Bears have Matt Forte, but then we were stumped. Little help?
"You were expecting maybe LaShawn?"
4. We were all agreed that Beyonce is a super crappy choice for the Super Bowl Halftime Show, and there should be more rock bands doing it. My prediction right here at the Gancer is that it will be the reunited 3/4 of Led Zeppelin playing it next year. Them or Huey Lewis and the News (fingers crossed).
"Let me know when it is, once again, hip to be square."
5. How come no one at the bar is skilled in the art of reading lips, but when we see Tom Belichick, coach of the New England Patriots, say "fucking bullshit," we all know exactly what he said? Everyone knows how to read potty mouth lips! I guess the lesson here is that if you're worried about someone far away reading your lips but you want to let someone know what you think of them who is in earshot, do so with unconventional disgusting phrases like "purple headed yogurt slinger" or "hatchet wound."
