I was watching the Chicago Bulls game the other night and having a few IPA's, and longtime play-by-play man, Marv Albert, was saying how someone was trying to live down some bad decisions he made.  This prompted me to yell at the television, "Oh, shut up, Marv!  You were wearing crotchless panties, bit a woman's ass, reportedly forced anal upon a woman, and your toupee fell off.  We haven't forgotten that."

"Panties!  Yes!"

And it's true.  That's what is tough about being a celebrity.  If I paraded around in some crotchless panties, which no man looks good in (even me), I could still pack up and leave town and no one would know I dangled my junk out of a black lacy thong (not that I have a pair picked out).  We all have things we like to do in the sack, but we will never forget what Marv is into because we see him on TV every few nights describing slam dunks to us, and as hard as we try not to, we imagine that under the table he is still wearing those unsightly undergarments.

How about you, readers?  Who are some celebrities who have done something you'll never be able to forget when you see them?

Jimmy Butler of my beloved Chicago Bulls had the picture below leaked onto the internet.  The first thing you may think is that by wearing this shirt he is summing up all that he thinks matters in life (drugs, his favorite body part of a woman, and what he uses to buy those two), and that would just be awful if he were that shallow.  But let's think of some other explanations.

First off, he responded on Twitter to say that he was sorry if anyone was offended by the shirt, but it matched his shoes.  I'm not making that up.  

Jimmy just isn't good at making excuses, so let me take it from here, Jimmy.

Those are actually their nicknames from when they were growing up, Pussy, Money, and Weed (from left to right).  Weed is in reference to how tall Jimmy grew up as a kid.  Everyone back in Texas was always saying, "That boy is sprouting up like a weed!"  I hit a growth spurt as a kid, and people told me that all the time, so that makes perfect sense to me.

Ladies and gentlemen, from left to right, please meet Pussy, Money, and Weed

Actually, do you want the truth?  Here it is.  Jimmy had to meet his friends out at a bar to celebrate his friend, Pussy's, recent certification to become a certified yoga instructor.  His other good friend, Money, is holding up two fingers to signify that it took two long years of Pussy's time!  What hard work that young man put in!  Now, Jimmy knew that he had to remember to do a few things before he got home that night, and due to some of his recent concussions suffered during a grueling playoffs, he had to print up this shirt to remind him to swing by the store on the way home to pick up kitty litter, $60 in cash from the ATM, and some gardening gloves to pull weeds the next morning for Doris, his aging friendly neighbor.

It was Money's job to have someone take this picture and text it to Jimmy on the ride home, but he accidentally sent it to the wrong friend, Coke, and that guy just can't be trusted with anything (sniff, sniff).

There.

Now, if there are no further questions, please leave Jimmy alone.  And Pussy, Weed, and Coke, for that matter.

The Coruscant Heat

It seems like everyone in America is tuning into the NBA finals hoping for the Heat lose, but I wonder what a galaxy far, far away might make of this match up?  This got me thinking which star wars baddies would best represent a team that is such a "wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Darth Vader.  "That's game, bitches!"

LeBron James

             Equals . . . 








Explanation: I like this choice because no one hated LeBron when he was with Cleveland (The Rebellion) but then nobody could stand him when he sold out and signed with the Heat (The Empire).

                                         

Dywayne Wade

 Equals . . . 

Grand Moff Tarkin

                              
  









Explanation: Wade just seems like the kind of guy who would blow up your whole planet just to test out his new Death Star, just to show you what's up.  

Pat Riley.  "Kiss the rings, bitches!"

The Emperor

 Equals . . .










Explanation: Pat and the Emperor are both evil old duded running things from behind the scenes.  I bet you didn't know that under that robe, the Emperor's hair is slicked back.

"Sniff these ringless fingers!"

Selacious Crumb

Equals . . .








Explanation: Erik Spoelstra is that little weasel that no one listens to.  When you see him trying to draw up a play for his guys while they just talk amongst themselves, you just can't help but think he might as well be Selacious Crumb outlining a pick and roll.

Chris "The Ostrich" Bosh

Jar Jar Binks

      
                  Equals . . .

Explanation: There is nothing deeper here than 'dude just looks like Jar Jar Binks.

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And there you have it, people.  What do you think?  Anyone I missed or anything you would change?  Leave me a comment.                                                                                                                    

For Those of You Who Don't Have Me On Facebook, Behold Me Commenting on My Own Stupid Update . . .

And here's the fun part: I'm so stupid that I don't know how to change the color of the font for just this post, so highlight everything and scroll so you can read it against the background. It's like a secret decoding mission! Yeah, I'm just trying to make it sound fun because I don't know what the hell I'm doing . . .

Dr. Kenneth's Profile, Dr. Kenneth's Wall

• 

  Dr. Kenneth Noiswater:

  Anyone watching NBA live on TNT-internet? This is a great Heat/Celtix game, but switch the camera to "Action Cam" or you will be watching "Mosaic Cam," which I think is how flies watch the NBA.

  2 hours ago · · ·

  • • Dr. Kenneth Noiswater

      Actually, when regular TV is at commercial, go back to "Fly Cam" and watch random crap going on all over the stadium and "Jock Jams" over the P.A.

      2 hours ago ·
    • Dr. Kenneth Noiswater

      Oooh! "Backboard Cam!" I can't wait until someone dunks right in my muthagrabbin' face!! I swear I don't work for TNT.

      2 hours ago ·
    • Dr. Kenneth Noiswater

      And, ladies, if you like Wade, you can just switch on the Wade cam and watch him close up, even when he's on the bench. Rondo Cam too if you're into weird guys who are good athletes but kinda weird-looking.

      2 hours ago · · One Person