Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Top Five You Won't Find Anywhere Else

Believe it or not, there was a time when a certain word so funny to us now was not that funny and said regularly on television commercials all through the 1980's and into the 1990's. This word now is synonymous with someone who's kind of a loser, but back then, it was simply a noun or verb, depending on . . . Oh hell, I'll stop beating around the bush, so to speak. I now bring you The Top Five Douche Commercials of All Time (Don't forget to turn off the music player to the right before viewing the ads):

6 - Even After a Shower! (Sorry, we have to go with 6. They're all just too damn funny.)

Sitting in the window sill of their suburban home, Mom says to daughter, while consoling her with an arm around her shoulder, "Hey, I used to change your diapers. Talk." Daughter says, "Sometimes I just don't feel fresh, even after a shower." Mom says, "I think it's time for Massengill." She's a good mom because a somewhat less supportive mom might have said, "You mean a shower isn't enough for that cooch of yours?

4. - Not-So-Fresh:

Daughter and mom are coasting along in a sailboat, when out of nowhere daughter turns to mom and says, "Do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?" You have to love how mom, despite her daughter's vague description, knows exactly what she's talking about and says, "Of course. That's why I douche." This ad earns extra points for featuring a somewhat famous actor from Third Watch, Soprano's, and Hulk, Cara Buono.

4. Holding Out on Your Mother?!

"Holding out on your mother?" mom says to daughter, pulling a box of Massengill out of her closet, where it was not concealed in the least bit. Daughter seems caught off guard like mom caught her with something illegal, but when she learns that mom is just ticked off that her daughter never told her that Massengill now has Effectal, daughter just laughs, not at all embarrassed, somehow, and says, "I just bought it!" Mom then comments how she's always loved Massengill's slanted design, and the slanted bottle looks supsiciously like dad's slanted . . .

3. - The Test:

Believe it or not, this one is from 1994. It features some women putting on make-up in a bathroom, and one accuses the other of having an antique douche. Then, one informs another of massengill's new bomb-ass cleansing design douche that even kept her fresh through her period, and "that's the test," evidently. Good lord! Are these women complete strangers in a ladies room exchanging this personal information? Hey, don't go calling some random lady's douche an antique unless you're ready to throw down.

2. - Do You Douche?

Mom and daughter are walking along the beach when daughter turns to mom and says, "Do you douche?" You can't beat that. Wait you can: with her response of, "I sure do." It's a classic commercial for the ages. I also like how creepy mom sounds when she says, "You'll see how clean and fresh Massengill makes you feel." It kind of sounds like mom can't wait to get home and douche her daughter.

1. - Guess the Douche Game!

Excited, with her hands behind her back, daughter asks mom which hand is holding the newest idea in douching. The answer, both hands! Extra Mild and Extra Cleansing are both new! How tricky of her! Extra Cleansing has something called puriclean while Extra Mild has no additives. Mom says, "I choose Extra Mild," subtext being: not that stinky of a beaver. Daughter says, "I choose extra cleansing," subtext being: a really, really smelly vagina, which is why she is so excited about this new technology. I also like that in this ad Massengill brags about rocking the douche game for 70 plus years. Way to hold it down, Massengill!

What do you think, Seven Readers? I have a few questions for you:
1. Do you think the order of this list should be changed at all?
2. Do you have a nomination? If so, please provide a link.
3. Do you ever feel, you know, not-so-fresh?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Stay Tuned . . .

So sorry for the lack of posts lately. I pitched a Top Five list to the editers over at, and they turned it down. So, stay tuned for that list here at The Gancer, where anything goes. Owwwww! I'm a writing rockstar, and you fucking know this!

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Mix Bag of Bad Blog Topics

It's time that I clean out the piss-poor blog topics that are in the memo section of my crappy phone. Some are kind of interesting in a Gancey kind of way, some are just plain dumb, but either way, here they are:

1. Remember the Amazing Kreskin? He was a psychic who made appearances on David Letterman. For whatever reason, I was thinking about how sometimes women want men to read their minds, and men just want women to tell them what the hell they want. Well, neither one is right. Men need to be more in tune and women need to just spell it out every now-and-again. So, while riding my bike to work, I was having one of those imaginary conversations in my head with my girlfriend about how I can't be expected to know what she is thinking, and I was saying, "Who do you think I am? The Amazing Kreskin? The Amazing Foreskin? I nearly fell off my bike laughing to myself, but is that even funny to anyone else? Haha. Foreskin.

2. I was watching some people play Flippy Cup, and I say watching because I have vowed not to play drinking games after thirty years old, and I also don't do more than one shot in an evening. I like to do zero shots a night if possible, but sometimes there are those special occasions where a guy just can't be rude. As I'm watching this game, I was trying to liken a given player's ability to flip cups in baseball terms, and I've decided that someone who averages three flips is batting .270, two flips is like a .300 hitter, and someone who hovers right around a one-and-done is like a .333, batting title type of guy. Anyone refute this or want to change these figures slightly in either direction?

3. I don't like to go to strip clubs because they kind of depress me. I always get thinking about the girls and what their childhood must have been like to be doing something like that, but I will say that one thing that can keep my mind from drifting to those sad places is how terrific they smell. There is this distinct smell that no other women really smell quite like. I asked a bartender a while back to affirm this for some of the ladies I was with, and our exchange went roughly like this:

Gancer: Barkeep, don't strippers smell great?
Barkeep: Oh, God yeah.
Gancer: How would you describe it.
Barkeep: I'd say it's like a . . . sexual chocolate type of goodness . . .

4. Those last couple may have been a little strange, but this is one could very well be just outright stupid. I was at work the other day singing "Some Like It Hot" by Power Station, only I was singing, "Some like it hot and some shit their pants when the heat is on." I just liked that I was lumping people into two categories: those who can handle said heat, and some who at the first sign of trouble just go ahead and crap themselves. It's funny to me, damn it.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

230th Post and Still Not Good With Clever Titles

Some of those drafts that never were never deemed post worthy or ones that I didn't even think were funny upon a second look all count towards that 230 figure. I just want to clear that up because all seven of you were so concerned about that, I'm sure.

Make Romance. Everyone says this in songs, but nobody says it in real life because it's the most terribly dorky thing ever. What would you say if your significant other said to you, "Baby, tonight I don't want anyone around. It's just you and me, and all night long, we're going to make romance." Hahahha! Don't say that to me, weirdo.

Yet songs say it all the time because it rhymes with dance. Don Henley says it in "All She Wants to Do Is Dance" when he says make romance as an almost after thought, as if it should be implied that of course she likes doing it, or she wouldn't be interesting subject matter to sing about.

Walter Payton of the Chicago Bears said it when he compared running with the football to making the romance, which seems strange, but have you see highlights of his runs? Son of a bitch really was making love out there. It's no wonder they called him Sweetness, but while he was a smooth muthafucka, I bet her never asked some girl on the road in a Phillidelphia bar to go back to his hotel to make or create, if you will, some romance.*

The lead singer of The Four Tops once lamented that he and his old lady used to dance to the music and make romance through the music. That sounds intense. Had he said we used to make romance to the music, yeah, big deal. We've all put on a little music and gotten down with someone, but to make romance through, the music, well, that is something.

Help me out here, seven readers. Are there any more romance making lyrics out there to be blogged for posterity, I mean seven people? Leave them in the comments section, you romantic F'ers.

* I grew up watching Walter Payton run the football and jump over a defensive line to score touchdowns, sometimes landing directly on his head. He's one of the most complete backs to ever play the game, but he also seemed like such a great guy. He died in 1999, prematurely and unfairly at the hands of a rare liver disease, despite not being a drinker, looking skinny and terrible in a press conference, and it was really hard to see. It was especially hard having always remembered him being so strong, running up those hills, working harder in the off-season than anyone else, getting that edge on the competition through hard work and not performance enhancing drugs. It was very sad to lose him, and yet it seems he's not remembered anywhere near as much as Michael Jordan when it comes to Chicago athletes, which is unfair. My first Old Style beer when I'm camping this weekend is for you, Walter. Thanks for playing in my city. I will show that clip of you running over Kanasas City Chiefs like mere speed bumps to my son some day.