Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Top Five You Won't Find Anywhere Else

Believe it or not, there was a time when a certain word so funny to us now was not that funny and said regularly on television commercials all through the 1980's and into the 1990's. This word now is synonymous with someone who's kind of a loser, but back then, it was simply a noun or verb, depending on . . . Oh hell, I'll stop beating around the bush, so to speak. I now bring you The Top Five Douche Commercials of All Time (Don't forget to turn off the music player to the right before viewing the ads):

6 - Even After a Shower! (Sorry, we have to go with 6. They're all just too damn funny.)

Sitting in the window sill of their suburban home, Mom says to daughter, while consoling her with an arm around her shoulder, "Hey, I used to change your diapers. Talk." Daughter says, "Sometimes I just don't feel fresh, even after a shower." Mom says, "I think it's time for Massengill." She's a good mom because a somewhat less supportive mom might have said, "You mean a shower isn't enough for that cooch of yours?

4. - Not-So-Fresh:

Daughter and mom are coasting along in a sailboat, when out of nowhere daughter turns to mom and says, "Do you ever feel, you know, not so fresh?" You have to love how mom, despite her daughter's vague description, knows exactly what she's talking about and says, "Of course. That's why I douche." This ad earns extra points for featuring a somewhat famous actor from Third Watch, Soprano's, and Hulk, Cara Buono.

4. Holding Out on Your Mother?!

"Holding out on your mother?" mom says to daughter, pulling a box of Massengill out of her closet, where it was not concealed in the least bit. Daughter seems caught off guard like mom caught her with something illegal, but when she learns that mom is just ticked off that her daughter never told her that Massengill now has Effectal, daughter just laughs, not at all embarrassed, somehow, and says, "I just bought it!" Mom then comments how she's always loved Massengill's slanted design, and the slanted bottle looks supsiciously like dad's slanted . . .

3. - The Test:

Believe it or not, this one is from 1994. It features some women putting on make-up in a bathroom, and one accuses the other of having an antique douche. Then, one informs another of massengill's new bomb-ass cleansing design douche that even kept her fresh through her period, and "that's the test," evidently. Good lord! Are these women complete strangers in a ladies room exchanging this personal information? Hey, don't go calling some random lady's douche an antique unless you're ready to throw down.

2. - Do You Douche?

Mom and daughter are walking along the beach when daughter turns to mom and says, "Do you douche?" You can't beat that. Wait you can: with her response of, "I sure do." It's a classic commercial for the ages. I also like how creepy mom sounds when she says, "You'll see how clean and fresh Massengill makes you feel." It kind of sounds like mom can't wait to get home and douche her daughter.

1. - Guess the Douche Game!

Excited, with her hands behind her back, daughter asks mom which hand is holding the newest idea in douching. The answer, both hands! Extra Mild and Extra Cleansing are both new! How tricky of her! Extra Cleansing has something called puriclean while Extra Mild has no additives. Mom says, "I choose Extra Mild," subtext being: not that stinky of a beaver. Daughter says, "I choose extra cleansing," subtext being: a really, really smelly vagina, which is why she is so excited about this new technology. I also like that in this ad Massengill brags about rocking the douche game for 70 plus years. Way to hold it down, Massengill!

What do you think, Seven Readers? I have a few questions for you:
1. Do you think the order of this list should be changed at all?
2. Do you have a nomination? If so, please provide a link.
3. Do you ever feel, you know, not-so-fresh?


Drunken Chud said...

hahahahaha. nice. but you totally left the greatest one off: Summer's eve "keeps the good times on mind" god i remember all those douchey commercials. what douche thought of those? heh.

Michael5000 said...

Suddenly I don't feel so fresh.

BeckEye said...

I feel fresh and exciting. Maybe I should go ride a horse across the beach.

Wait. I think that's what they do in tampon commercials.

Heff said...

"Let's go play some Tennis...."

JerseySjov said...

of course the videos dont load on my laptop, but they all show up when im at work and cant watch them.

im reminded of the 'cherokee hair tampons' from south park.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud: That one was good. It keeps the good times on her mind, and then when she's "not so fresh," all she can think about it how her life sucks. PS: What happened to Zen Wizard!?!?!

Michael: Sorry, buddy. Have a douche on me. Let me rephrase that . . .

Beck: No, the horse on the beach works. Then again, horses smell, right?

Heff: Yes. Tennis is a bad game when you're not-so-fresh, skirts and all.

Jov: Well, you'll just have to check it at your local library and let us know what you think. : )

Drunken Chud said...

Doc: got no clue what happened to zen. jail time maybe? but the douche song, if you listen to the subtext she's saying, "when i insert a bottle of vaginal cleanser inside me, it reminds me of sexual experiences past, and this makes me smile, cuz i love the cock, and therefore must go and douche, and bang many many men so as to fulfill my needs and thus enlarge my female version of a spank bank (clam bank?) so that the next time i douche i can remember with fondness and then allow this process to repeat itself." i guess it's all in how long it's been since you got laid as to how much you read into it. lol.

Mr. Shife said...

I am feeling fresh but a little weepy as remembered the good old days when you could turn on the TV and find yourself a good douche commercial. Now we just get ShamWow and boner pill advertisements on the television. This is douche awesomeness and you should receive some sort of award for preserving a great part of US TV history. And I was hoping my word verification would have been douche.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud: Clam bank!!! hahaha. That's why you kick ass. Even if my readership sucks these days, I hope The Chud continues to drop by.

Shife: I should win an award. A Douchey? What would THAT award look like?

TOPolk said...

This was special. And unexpected.


Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Polk: Thanks, bud. I haven't been as proud of an entry in a long time, back when I was funny.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I just reviewed the list, and wow. I was funnier back then. How do I get it back? And also, where the hell is Chud? That guy was funnier than hell. Maybe I got his email or something . . .