Thursday, July 09, 2009

Mix Bag of Bad Blog Topics

It's time that I clean out the piss-poor blog topics that are in the memo section of my crappy phone. Some are kind of interesting in a Gancey kind of way, some are just plain dumb, but either way, here they are:

1. Remember the Amazing Kreskin? He was a psychic who made appearances on David Letterman. For whatever reason, I was thinking about how sometimes women want men to read their minds, and men just want women to tell them what the hell they want. Well, neither one is right. Men need to be more in tune and women need to just spell it out every now-and-again. So, while riding my bike to work, I was having one of those imaginary conversations in my head with my girlfriend about how I can't be expected to know what she is thinking, and I was saying, "Who do you think I am? The Amazing Kreskin? The Amazing Foreskin? I nearly fell off my bike laughing to myself, but is that even funny to anyone else? Haha. Foreskin.

2. I was watching some people play Flippy Cup, and I say watching because I have vowed not to play drinking games after thirty years old, and I also don't do more than one shot in an evening. I like to do zero shots a night if possible, but sometimes there are those special occasions where a guy just can't be rude. As I'm watching this game, I was trying to liken a given player's ability to flip cups in baseball terms, and I've decided that someone who averages three flips is batting .270, two flips is like a .300 hitter, and someone who hovers right around a one-and-done is like a .333, batting title type of guy. Anyone refute this or want to change these figures slightly in either direction?

3. I don't like to go to strip clubs because they kind of depress me. I always get thinking about the girls and what their childhood must have been like to be doing something like that, but I will say that one thing that can keep my mind from drifting to those sad places is how terrific they smell. There is this distinct smell that no other women really smell quite like. I asked a bartender a while back to affirm this for some of the ladies I was with, and our exchange went roughly like this:

Gancer: Barkeep, don't strippers smell great?
Barkeep: Oh, God yeah.
Gancer: How would you describe it.
Barkeep: I'd say it's like a . . . sexual chocolate type of goodness . . .

4. Those last couple may have been a little strange, but this is one could very well be just outright stupid. I was at work the other day singing "Some Like It Hot" by Power Station, only I was singing, "Some like it hot and some shit their pants when the heat is on." I just liked that I was lumping people into two categories: those who can handle said heat, and some who at the first sign of trouble just go ahead and crap themselves. It's funny to me, damn it.


The [Cherry] Ride said...

I always appreciated that the cartoon woman in the "Some Like It Hot" video is topless. I mean, really?

BeckEye said...

You're an idiot. And the fact that I giggled like a child at "The Amazing Foreskin" and your alternate lyrics to "Some Like it Hot" prove that I am one too.

And thank you for that dose of John Taylor. Yum.

By the way, I thought that game was called Flip Cup? Flippy Cup makes it sound like it's for kids. Are you contributing to the deliquency of minors?

JerseySjov said...

1. i don't. i'm too young

2. it's always bothered me how people who are 1/3 good at their job are considered awesome at baseball...if i only answered the phone 1/3 of the time, or only got .333 questions correct on exams, or was able to do splits one out of every three tries i'd be considered a shitty office worker, student, and dancer. i mean damn, if i didn't look so damn good in shorts i would have failed gym class for having a .333 participation average. yeah, i ge that they're trying to hit baseballs going 90+ mph, but the pitcher throws them that fast more than 1/3 of the time, right? it's not like they're not expecting it.

3. my roommate from [hell] sophomore year smelled like a stripper, but i didnt realize it until this year when i was neck-deep in a stripper's boobs.

4. other peoples' pants crapping is always funny. unless you have to clean it up.

Heff said...

"sometimes women want men to read their minds" - INCORRECT STATEMENT. Women ASSUME we CAN read their minds. Otherwise, they'd simply tell us what bullshit they wanted us to know.

As far as the "stripper smell", I personally LOVE IT, and my Donna knows the secret to it, and she replicates it PERFECTLY. It's a cigarette/body spray combo, but you have to mix it JUST RIGHT, LOL !

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cherry: I often appreciate such things.

Beck: I am an idiot, John Taylor is hot, and I always call it Flippy Cup cause it sounds like Sippy Cup.

Jov: Okay, let's get you a bat and see how you do! And maybe your roommate was moonlighting as a stripper . . .

Heff: Mrs. Heff sounds kind of kick ass.

JerseySjov said...

it's not that i could do it; it's they get paid millions of dollars to do their job with a 1/3 success rate.
i understand that it's not easy, but neither is, say, being a firefighter. and last i checked firemen don't get paid nearly as much for SAVING LIVES, and would probably not keep their job if they only put out one-third of the fires that ignited.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I see your point, but that's an average that has been a consistant measure of a good hitter in the game for literally 100 years.

We haven't had a debate like this since I said something about your dancing.

: )

TOPolk said...

So you're the guy who always ruins my good time when I'm at a strip club. Note to self: never go to the nudie bar with Gancer.

I've always thought that stripper smell was just a combination of Victoria's Secret perfume (most likely "Pink") and just musk/sweat. Yeah, definitely not as attractive once you think about it that way.

Casey said...

you know, I thought the same way about strippers, as far as strip joints depressing me, then I started dating them. While a few are all depressed, most are pretty upbeat and generally fun to hang out with.

Some of her friends were scary in the daylight, but the younger paying for college/baby formula crowd knew how to have a good time.

The one I'm (insert vague date-like word) now is working on her masters and supporting two kids. Sometimes she tries out something new on me, as kind of a test subject.

And it's Victoria's Secret Sexy or something like that.

JerseySjov said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JerseySjov said...

"We haven't had a debate like this since I said something about your dancing"

which is why i haven't brought dance into it...but since you started it- 100 years ago if you could do a single pirouette en pointe you were a prima ballerina, but now if you can't do at least a triple you're worthless to a company.

oh, and the stripper smell is victoria's secret love spell ;)

Jack Gatlin said...

Strippers smell like promise, surprisingly clean. With a touch of Fritos mixed in.

Eve said...

Mmm, chocolate.

Apparently, strippers use feminine deodorant spray, or FDS. Check it out while you're perusing douches at Walgreens.

(Oh, and hi! Stopped by to see if you're still blogging!)

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