Saturday, June 23, 2012


This phone call may or may not have happened the other day.

Susan from Visa: Is this Dr. Kenneth Noisewater?

Dr. Ken: You bet your ass.

Susan: Uh.  Okay.  I'm calling to check if there has been some fraud or theft involved with your account.

Dr. Ken: Oh snap!  I hope not.

Susan: Let me just review some purchases with you.  Did you spend $500 at Bill's Furniture Emporium today?

Dr. Ken: Yes.  That one was me. 

Susan: How about another one in the amount of $145.56 at Sears.

Dr. Ken:  Yup.  Me again.  Bought me a new air conditioner.

Susan: Okay, good.  Lastly, how about $125.70 at Target?

Dr. Ken: All me.  Had to get a bunch of stuff for the new apartment, toasters and the like. 

Susan: Well, good to know.  Just wanted to be sure because it didn't match your usual patterns.

Dr. Ken: My patterns?

Susan: Yes.  Our system finds things that are not in line with how you usually spend.  You see, Dr. Noisewater, you usually only spend over $100 at places that appear to be bars, usually on Friday and Saturday nights.

Dr. Ken: Yeah.  I'm working on that, Susan.  I have a lot of demons, you see.

Susan: Sorry to hear that, Dr. Noisewater.  Seems like your demons get the best of you in a similar patter, often times Duffy's for $100 and then another $100 at The Liars Club in the same night.

Dr. Ken: Okay, Susan!  I said I'm working on it.

Susan: Very good.  Well, anything else I can help you with?

Dr. Ken: No, I'm okay.  You seem nice.  You want to get a drink sometime?

Susan: That's against our policy over here at Visa.

Dr. Ken: I understand.  Well, if you're ever in Chicago, you know how to find me.  You know my "patterns," after all.



Gorilla Bananas said...

Haha, yes, I can see why you found her attractive! Cool, rational women are a big turn-on for literate men like you. You must have been wondering whether she would still be cool and rational when you were probing her with your tongue.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Haha. Tongue probing! You got a way with words, you damn, dirty ape!

So@24 said...

Damn good post, Gance. You got me laughing out loud at my comp desk.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

24: Thanks, bud. Working on a Saturday? Sucky! Good day for an Eiffel.

Michael5000 said...

You'd think an analytical problem-solver like Susan would be more willing to pitch in and help out with the demons.