Wednesday, June 13, 2012

the bike lock story

I was biking home from the gym today, holding my bike lock in my had, when I saw what I thought might be some sort of domestic dispute between a young couple.  As it turns out, they were just play fighting but for a moment there I thought I might have had to go upside this dude's head with a u-lock. 

Here is the little scene in my stupid head that I wrote in that fleeting moment:

Dr. Ken: Hey, buddy.  Why don't you leave the little lady alone
(little lady is kind of demeaning and sexist, but that's just how old fashioned chivalrous types talk)

Man: Just stay out of this, Lance Armstrong.  This doesn't concern you.  Or your one nut.

Dr. Ken: It certainly doesn't involve Lance's testicle, so yeah, we'll leave that out, but it does concern me now because there is no way I'm leaving without . . . doing something.  Are you okay, miss?

Woman: No.  I'm not.  He's an asshole and he's drunk and mean. 

Man: You shut your stupid mouth, woman!  And let me and Armstrong finish our conversation.
(This is kind of how stereotypical wife beating types talk, I think)

Dr. Ken: Listen, why don't we just put you two in a cab and call it a night.

Man: Sure.  We could do that.  Or I could whip the ever-loving tar out of your stupid hipster ass.

the man begins to roll up his sleeves and walk towards Dr. Ken in a threatening manner

Dr. Ken: (stepping off his bike and wielding his bike lock) Think this through.  I don't want to clock you with this bike lock, and you don't want to get hit with one. 


The truth of the matter is that I would probably just pull around the corner and call the police.  If I did opt for the U-Lock beating, I would likely miss with a piss-poor flailing attempt and get beat up.  Probably the girl would even get a few licks in, and they would resolve their differences by agreeing that I'm a giant pussy.


Kage said...

i kinda thought up my own version of what happened; it involved you ripping off your shirt to reveal a well-oiled six pack and kissing the girl at the end.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You could have knocked him senseless first and taken the conversation from there. In the words of Tuco Ramirez "When you've got to shoot, shoot, don't talk."

Jenni said...

I am pretty positive if Lance Armstrong and his nut were ever in danger of being assaulted he would totally use his bike lock as a defense mechanism.

Good call.

Heff said...

I got a great visual from this story, and the verbage seemed spot on, as well.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

kage: yes. "excuse me while i oil up . . ."

Gorilla: Tucco! El feo! Nice work.

Jenni: he is all juiced up too, so he could give out a beat down.

Heff: thanks. good old heff has been dropping by a lot. love it!

Bike locks said...

It looks good but it is not a reliable lock. Anyone can break it easily. You should try to make some changes in it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Huh? This wasn't a true story and that's not a picture of the actual lock . . . I think you're a random advertiser.