Thursday, April 06, 2006

Go Cubs Go!

Baseball season is, yet again, upon us, and this no doubt means another disappointing year for the Chicago Cubs. I’m tired of them fucking sucking. I don’t think people get how serious I am about Cub baseball. Let me give you some of the alarming signs that I am a die-hard Cub fan.

1. When someone insulted the post-stroke Harry Caray, I honestly think I could have killed a few of these jerks. This man’s voice was around my house so much growing up that he might as well have been my grandfather. Hell, he was my grandfather, so don’t make fun of my fucking grandpa! Will Farrell, I’ll let you slide, since your impression is God damned funny.

2. I’m not sure if there is a God or not, but I AM sure that if I leave a game early, I can drastically affect the outcome of a game.
I can also alter the results of a game by turning the radio or television off for a brief while. Believe it or not, my bleacher bum friends and I can turn the tides of a game simply by switching our seats. I don’t believe in a higher power, but I swear by this bullshit? There’s something wrong with that rationale.

3. Wrigley Field is not just a ballpark to me. It is my favorite place in the world. I love all the sights, sounds, and especially the smells – beer, hotdogs, ice cream . . .
I don’t like the smell of cigars, but I love to smell it at Wrigley. I have even grown to love the smell of hot urine in the men’s room. It is one of the only parks in the country that still has the trough-style urinals. They maximize available pissing spots by cutting out the spaces in between urinals. Efficient? Yes. Smelly? Definitely. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

4. Speaking of urinals, and why not speak of urinals, I love getting off that self/team deprecating one liner that makes the whole men’s room erupt in laughter, and not your usual laughter, but the bazaar looking laughter of men looking straight ahead, so as not to be accused of looking at a penis.

5. I will drink a piss-warm Old Style beer out of a paper cup and ask for seconds, and thirds, and tenths, and stack my dead soldiers up to show my drinking prowess. I dreamed of being the guy with the seeminlgy endless, stacked up cups when I was a young man, and look at me now America! My first frothy brew at the Friendly Confines will be for you, my 9 readers.

18 comments:

Lizzie said...

I know all about one's power to affect the outcome of a game. I spent all of game 7 of the 2003 ALCS - all 11 innings - immobile in a very uncomfortable position on my couch because I was convinced that if I moved, the Yanks would lose. Ok, it sounds kind of crazy now that I see it written out and I would think that it was except for one thing - the Yanks won. It was obviously because I held that position.

I'm not a Cubs fan but I have to admit I love Wrigley. A friend of mine is a die-hard Cubs fan too and worked at Wrigley as a teenager selling peanuts in the stands. Sounded like a really cool job.

beachgirl said...

I grew up a college football fan, of course (University of Tennessee) so I get the love you have for the Cubs.. Your Wrigley Field is my Neyland Stadium (the largest on campus stadium in the U.S.) There is NOTHING like eating those nasty hot dogs or flat cokes (no beer served at the college stadium) but that splash of Jack that you can pour in makes everything better!

I do love baseball and sports in general... For once, I would like to see the Cubbies go all the way..

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You forgot the malty cups with the wooden spoons. I swear if they ever get rid of the wooden spoon, I'm out.

And nothing like a $5 can of Bud Light at Murphy's!

Anonymous said...

And my mom still blames the Bartman incident on me. I left the house just before it happened because I thought it was okay to listen in the car on my way home.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

anon- So true about the wood spoons. Those malt cups would taste infitantely better w/out them, yet it wouldn't be Wrigley.

I blame YOU for the Bartman incident. He's off the hook. I now blame YOU!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Infinitely.

Sorry about the typo.

Cubs won the first two games of the cardinals series. Let's hope we get the sweep today!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Liz, way to hold that uncomfortable position! Why do I feel like I've said that before . . .

Beach- Nasty hot dogs and flat beers are on me if we are ever at a ball game together.

Anonymous said...

And they won both games without me there! I have an outstanding record against the Cards. I used to go in college every year for my b-day with my girlfriends from st. louis. We won every year.

Tara's World said...

I understand - We have the Texas Rangers.

Tara's World said...

Dr - Ill be honest I have been reading you for awhile, just havent commented. But anyone who listens to Pavement ( Spit on a Stranger sends me to tears and )Guided by voices and My Morning Jacket ( who I saw last month) is a pretty cool guy.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Tara, you have great taste in music and even better taste in blogs! Jk

MMJ is amazing live. I saw them twice and they blew my mind both times. They are playing Bonaroo along with Stephen Malkmus and Radiohead, if you're interested.

Ms Smack said...

I agree with Tara. You have fantastic taste in music. Add me to soulseek if you have it. Same user name.

Now, regarding urinals... I'm sorry, but if there is a queue in the ladies toilets, and the mens is being conveniently ignored (ie, men are standing in a row at urinals) and cubicle is empty, i'm there.

'sorry guys! girls gotta wee' and they laugh and say 'go right ahead!'

ps. I have a pic of wrigley field from my chicago visit. I wanted to visit all blues brothers icons!

Tara's World said...

Your kidding!? When is it? Im guessing Chicago? I wonder if they will come to Dallas! I would be in heaven......

Tara's World said...

P. S. What about a little Mercury Rev or Elliott Smith?

ocg said...

My favorite T-shirt of all time is a vintage Cubs that I got at a thrift store years ago. I love it... and thus keep up on their stats as I need to know if I am representing with the T.

mysterygirl! said...

This post brought a tear to my eye. I used to live a few blocks away at Waveland, and I could hear big plays from my deck. Nothing better than a day at Wrigley with a hot dog and as much Old Style as you can drink... everybody in your section in the bleachers becomes your friend.

beachgirl said...

Thanks for the offer Doc!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Honey- I've been known to take a squirt in sink in a pinch. As George Costanza said, "It's all pipes."

Tara- Mercury Rev also kicks behind. There are new Built To Spill and Flaming Lips albums out.

OC- Keep represtin' that shirt to the fullest!

Mystery- Everyone in the bleachers DOES become your friend, unless you are in the other section, in which case you are the arch nemesis, i.e., "right field sucks!"

Beach- All the bad food you can eat is on me. I'll admit, Wrigley has crummy food, but I love it.