Monday, April 21, 2008

6 Cheeses? Uh, Surely You Jest, You Nimrod!

So, Gancer Girlfriend and I are watching a commercial, and a pizza joint is boasting a 6 Cheese Pizza. I tell her there's no way in hell there are 6 cheeses on there, cause I can't even think of six cheeses that would be good on a pizza. Naming off a few, I ended up at Gouda, and who in the heck wants Gouda on their pizza? We looked it up online, give us a break, there was nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon, and sure enough, there are, in fact, six gosh damn cheeses upon that pie: Mozzarella, Parmesan, Romano, Asiago, Provolone and Fontina. I then decided that the odds are slim to none that the people working there know what six cheeses adorn their over-cheesed pizzas. Gancer Girlfriend thought that the nimrod on the other end of the phone would know.

The bet begins . . .

Winner buys the Chinese food we would order with our next call, because we'd sooner order a six blends of pickle juice pizza. In fact, the image of that disgustingly cheesey concoction of crappola ruined the notion of pizza for us all together.

To determine the winner, a phone call was to be made to said pizza joint.

1. If the nimrod can't name the six cheeses, she buys.
2. If the nimrod can rattle off all six right away, I buy.
3. If the nimrod asks someone else or looks it up to get the answer, then we would go Dutch.

Here's how the phone call went:

Nimrod: (unenthusiastically) Such-and-Such pizza, can I help you?
Gancer: Yeah, quick question: What six cheeses are on your Six Cheese Pizza?
Nimrod: Uh, I don't know. (Long Pause).
Gancer: Well, I just need to know that real quick, and I'll let you get back to whatever it is you're doing that's more important.
Nimrod: Uh, hold on.
(Moments Later)
Nimrod: Uh (nimrods say "uh" a lot), Mozzarella, Parmesan, Romano, Ass-ee-ah-go (slowly sounding it out wrongly, like the profile faces on Electric Company), Provolone and Fone-tine-uh (again, Electric Company-Esque).
Gancey: Okay, partner. That's all I needed. Have yourself a wonderful day!

So, we went dutch on some Kung Pau chicken, Moo Shoo chicken, hot and sour soup, and a smoothie she ordered that tasted like a Pina Colada, which made me sing "Escape (The Pina Colada Song,)" which she only knows from Shrek, which made feel old, but not as old as I felt trying to describe that the Electric Company was like a Black Sesame Street, or that Morgan Freeman starred on it.

My Beloved Seven Readers, in your comment, after you're done telling me what a colossal dork I am for actually making this call, of course, tell me if you've ever heard of Fontina cheese.

PS: Get a load of that Pina Colada song video. He might be the least cool rocker I've ever seen from his Blue Blocker Sunglasses, to his tucked in Member's Only Jacket, to his khakis, and right down to his white sneakers, just to top it off. For that get-up alone, never mind his dance moves or general dorkiness, If he didn't have a hit record, he wouldn't be "makin' love at midnight," or any hour for that matter. Even with the hit record . . . Yikes.

31 comments:

Grad School Reject said...

Rupert Holmes is some good bar trivia. He gets respect for that.

I've had Fontina. I am pretty sure it had absolutely no impact on my life. Asiago though? That shit is delicious.

logorrheic. said...

fontina? isn't that holy place with the 3 kids? no, that was fatima. fantima. fontina? i don't know...

and i'm mad that i just watched the pina colada video from beginning to end. and i may have sang to it. and tapped my feet a bunch when no one was looking.

Rock Hammer said...

Fontima is a mostly tasteless skim milk cheese, I believe. Which irritates me because so is everything else on the pizza. Pretty much four out of those five cheeses are interchangable. Fucking trash chain Italian food.

It gets me all murdery.

JerseySjov said...

in my experience with cheeses, parmesan, romano, and asiago are essentially the same. i've never thought to put provolone on a pizza, and from what i've read, fontina is "a mostly tasteless skim milk cheese."

when my mom used to get pizza crusts and have us do 'make your own pizza night' for dinner, i'd get way more creative with my many-cheesed 'zas: cheddar, swiss, alfredo sauce, salsa con queso, velveeta...
it's a wonder that i've yet to have a heart attack, really.

Michael5000 said...

Yes, I know of this fontina.

The thing is, how many cheeses can the human taste buds appreciate simultaneously? I'd have to think the answer is very, very close to... well... one. Me, I like me a pizza with mozerella on it. But then I'm old.

sequined said...

Here's a true story about why I can name over a dozen cheeses at a moment's notice: my father used to have his own office at his work, which he decorated, as you would, with pictures of his family, a cat poster I got at a Scholastic book fair, and this sweet framed Terminator movie poster ("available now on Beta and VHS!").

He's a nice guy, so when this part time woman at his work wasn't going to get an office at all, he said she could use his as long as she didn't bug him.

Her first order of business? Taking down the Terminator poster (it "made her uncomfortable") and replacing it with a poster depicting "The Cheeses of France." No joke.

So my point is that yes, I have heard of fontina.

Jake Titus said...

Six Cheese Pizza WTF!!! You wouldn't be able to shit for six days!!! I think it would be better for if the buyer just shoved the cheese up their ass. It would have the same end result and the buyers cholesterol wouldn't be 550.

radioactive girl said...

That Pina Colada song brings back memories from college.

Fontina is actually really good on pizza. I know this because I am all domestic and stuff. Remember that pizza picture I posted months ago on my blog that you said looked good (of course you don't remember because you actually have a life!) Anyway, that pizza had fontina cheese on it. That six cheese pizza actually sounds really good to me right now because I am starving!

Allison said...

What about Velveeta? It melts so nicely. Tell me how they could forget about Velveeta? As far as Fontina goes, it's like goat cheese. Not so bad, just a "filler". As for the Pina Colada Dude, I personally enjoy his hand movements. SO contrived. What's up with artists who feel they have to mime as they sing, such as Mariah Carey or Celine Dion. Bleccht. But still, somehow, the Pina Colada song remains an old favorite of mine. Kinda goes with the Velveeta on pizza idea.

Allison said...

ps. 6 cheese pizza is kind of like the razor blade cartridges that are up to (what now)like 6 or 7 blades? And they only cost around fifty dollars for 3. Nothing like a little excess to make America the best damn country in the world! (even though it still IS!!)

carolyn says said...

as mentioned, fontina is a boring cheese. i'f you're going to do a multi cheese pizza (not that you are as you wisely chose chinese) there should really be some kind of stinky blue cheese on there too.

stinky blue cheese makes the world a better place.

FitnessNerd said...

The reason for that mixture is that you have three "creamy" cheeses "Mozz, Prov, and Fontina, and then you have three harder cheeses "Parm, Romano, and Asiago." And the last three are NOT interchangeable. I love Asiago, and Fontina is actually really good, too.

PLUS, I have had said pizza, and I love it. It is on a thin crust, so if I eat a couple pieces, I don't feel like I've just ingested the caloric equivalent of a nuclear bomb.

And eat some fruit...it'll keep you regular

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Great, great post. But man, you two need some more hobbies.

I've heard of fontina cheese, but couldn't tell you what the heck it tastes like.

Speaking of cheese, last Thursday I went with some friends to Bin 51 (or 47 or 22 or whatever) and had wine with a lovely sampling of six different cheeses.

I felt like a dork, but damn if that wasn't some fine cheese!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

PS - I'm going to start using the phrase "But damn if that wasn't some fine cheese!" in daily conversation.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

The GF had to have known she was gonna lose that bet from the get go right? She really expected those workers to know that. Hey I worked in a pizza joint summer after high school and I didnt know shit as to what was going on... I just stood in the kitchen and made whatever they tell me to make from the front. And what the hell is Fontina?! I'm not classy enough to know this :(

fort knocks said...

Dude, do you remember last year, when Domino's had those commercials of a guy humming Monday Night Football music into the phone and Domino's people immediately understanding the order? Cause we definitely tried that... every night for about a week. No dice. Pizza-place-phone-answerers are dumber than hell.

classyandfancy said...

Fontina makes me think of Fanta. Fanta makes me think of "Wanna Fanta" and dancing in a purple cutout catsuit with hoop earrings. Tangent much?

How would you describe 3-2-1 Contact to the GG?

pistols at dawn said...

Fontina sounds like a font I never use, but that may be because its first four letters are "font." It sounds like one lazy effing font name for that same reason.

I've never heard of the cheese, though.

Also, Escape (The Pina Colada Song) is in the top 5 hilarious songs of all time, if for naught beyond the way he accentuates every syllable in "I - AM - IN - TO - CHAM - PAGNE!"

Chardsy said...

"I'm not much into health food...I am in to champagne!"

Ahhhh, from his lips to God's ears.

Sabina said...

Fontina is a good melting cheese, but honestly, it probably wouldn't be noticeable on the pizza. I'm with Carolyn on a good cheese combination. And I'd probably argue with my friends for a while about whether the nimrod answering the phone would know all the cheeses, but I'd never call, because I'm afraid of making phone calls.

TOPolk said...

Man. Electric Company. I remember catching reruns of that as a kid. That was good stuff there. Sure, it was lacking memorable characters like "The Count," but I'm sure I learned a thing or two still.

...and I've never heard of Fontina Cheese.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

GSR: Rupert's name is now in the vault . . .

Log: You know you love that song!

Rock: Murdery!! I'm using that.

Jersey: I don't like my cheese tasteless. I like my blogs tasteless.

5000: I thought you might know that one. I agree that there's no way one can appreciate all 6 of those cheeses at once. Kind of wasteful when you think about it.

Seq: That's awful!! That's like me hanging up that picture of my ball bag that I took with Cherry Ride's camera.

Jake: Ha! That would back you up for SIX weeks.

Radio: I hope your kids appreciate your fontina pizzas and shit.

Allison: Ah, Velveeta. A girl after my own heart. We had a brick in the fridge at all times when I was a kid.

Carolyn: Blue cheese on pizza would be kind of . . . Yeah, that would be good. You're right, that shit's good on anything.

Fitness: That's sound advice: Have some fruit with it. Do you need SIX pieces of fruit to offset it?

Cherry: Reminds of that Chappelle Show when Arsenio punches that guy and says, "Why didn't you tell me you had that good-ass cheese?!"

360: You're still plenty classy, partner.

Knocks: That would be sweet if you hummed it, and he just said, "Will that be all?"

Classy: Don't know. But if I had to describe The Bloodhound Gang, I'd say it's like the Modd Squad only you get your learn on.

Pistol: Or it could be a female master of fonts: "She's a real Fontina of a hussy!" That singer does enunciate that son bitch . . .

Chardsy: You can't go wrong with that shit . . .

Sabina: I never would have been able to sleep that night without calling. Had to be done.

Topolk: I'm glad a couple of you don't remember, so I don't feel uncultured.

Coconut said...

The way you described that pizza made my stomach flip over.

I've heard of this "Fontina" but I couldn't pick out in the grocery store.

Sassy said...

The key to a multi-cheese pizza is small amounts of each - then it rocks. You totally can't put on as much of each as you would a just mozzarella pizza.

And I know of Fontina. I know of many cheeses, cause I Love Cheese.

And Electric company? Loved it.

The Charming Hedonist said...

I love that Girlfriend Gancer was so up for the bet! And when did she make the transition from Special Lady Friend to Girlfriend? I missed it!

Kadonkadonk said...

What the hell? Are you dating a 19-year old? And how can you not like cheese? I think I just lost a little bit of respect for you, Gancer...

Sassy Blondie said...

So some pizza place is giving you all that cheese and you turned it down?

I love all those cheeses...and Gouda too!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

The last pizza I ate contained toe cheese.

Bill From Gainesville said...

Gancer that is so awesome that they have six cheeses and you were so nice to push it to go dutch cause he didnt know and you stalling was the only reason he went and asked someone else. very chivalrous of you.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Nut: It looks worse than it sounds.

Sass: I guess you can't go wrong with cheese, but I still think 6 is excessive.

Charm: She made GF status a while ago I know, it's kind of a big deal for me if you've been reading a while.

Donk: She's a little older than 19. As for the cheese thing, I'm lactose intolerant, so all 6 would put me in a hurt locker.

Sassy: You think Gouda would be good on 'Za? Probably . . .

Mighty: That's Dominoes. Domitoes? Okay, that was lame.

Bill: You're right, I am pretty awesome like that . . .

blackdog said...

I like making love at midnight, and getting caught in the rain - who doesn't? Best.song.ever. (In the vomit-inducing category.)

2nd best: Same Old Lang Syne, by Dan Fogelberg. Oh yes, you know it - 'Met my old lover in the grocey store...'

And nice use of the word Nimrod - always a personal fave that doesn't get much love anymore...