Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Lost Island of Misfit Blog Topics

Either I have the most crippling case of writers block of all time, or I'm just coming up with the worst ideas ever. I'm going to share some of these awful notions with you today, so I won't be tempted to ever use any of these.

1. I jokingly offered to be a sperm donor for a lesbian friend of mine, because I want a baby without a wife or responsibility. Actually, when you break it down, I'm a damn good surrogate father candidate. I'm tall, healthy, athletic-ish, and decent enough looking. I'm not smart, but my parents are, so there's a good chance my kid would be. I figure that I've produced loads, pun intended, and loads of sperm since the early to mid 1990's, and finally it's going to pay off. I could be the proud sort of father of a baby boy or girl, who I'll get to see every now and again, but I will not necessarily be obligated to love or support him/her financially. I just whack it, hand over the joy juice, they turkey baste it in there, or whatever, they do all the parenting, and I just keep doing what I've always done. Whacking it.

2. I got halfway through a piece about how much I love it when the Liquor Sample Lady is at the grocery store when it dawned on me that it was stupid, boring, and made me look like a booze hound. Seriously though, there's nothing like a snort off some fancy-schmantsy spirit you'll never buy to make shopping feel less like a chore and more like a bar. Why can't everything be a little bit more like the bar? Okay, so I am a booze hound. What's it to you?!?

3. My Hollywood buddy is working on the set of Boston Legal, and I asked that he update me on what Captain Kirk has for lunch every day. He seems to be a fan of the turkey chili and cornbread, if you must know. He also likes nailing green chicks from distant planets, which I find can work up an appetite.

4. More shit about my beloved nephews. My parents always have a bottle of oil and vinegar on the table for salads, and one nephew quite accurately pointed out that it looked like a "potion." His mother and I half convinced him that it was a shrinking potion. He tried some, and he's all, "See, it doesn't make me shrink." I told him, "It will kick in soon enough. You'll know it's working when it looks like we're all getting bigger." The fact that I get my jollies by screwing with a kindergartner's head is probably another reason my fatherly duties should remain strictly surrogate in nature.

5. This idea is actually quite good, but I decided it's a little mean and maybe a little evil. I was skipping through completely random blogs, planning to publicly make fun of a particularly stupid one on my blog. How caddy, right? The blog that was most likely to get ripped was one run by a couple, and dedicated to counting down the days until their upcoming wedding in Napa Valley. There are only a few posts so far, and they all suck. Their profile picture is the two of them and their dog. There's nothing worse than when you get a Christmas card from a couple and they're cuddled up with their stupid dog. I'm going to send out a card with a photo of me and my mailman just to throw people off. Anyway, I get the sense that when this couple's fabulous, scenic, Napa wedding is in the books, they'll be like, "Okay, now what." With any luck they'll have a new blog counting down the days until their divorce. Now that would make for some good reading. I hope it rains on their wedding day and the grapes in the wine go bad, giving the wedding party and all the guests the worst case of the green apple quickies they've ever experienced.


Brunhilda said...

One of my friends has a wedding blog. It's stupid. I convinced her to add a wedding dress poll on it, and even that's boring. Because she's dead-set on making all of us look ugly, I guess. Their blog is literally named (except with their names). Make me gag a little more, please.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Couple things:
1) “joy juice”?
2) I like your idea of having a bar in the grocery store. A beer while you shop would definitely make for a more pleasing experience. Then, the grocery store could be even more of a pickup joint than it already is.
3) C’mon, tell us all the name of the blog so we can leave comments. Seriously.
4) Finally, it is Saturday night at 8pm and I am reading blogs. I'm going to kill myself now.

the teeny city yogini. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the teeny city yogini. said...

ok try two...

i offered to be a surrogate in order to get short term disability from work. but now that i know your sperm is on the table, can i be free to offer it to others?

also, the visuals i received from that third blurb will give me nightmares for a couple nights. but yes, i guess that would make him work up an appetite.

karla said...

I hope you don't follow through with the "make fun of a stupid blog" idea, because it'll just make me cry when I realize mine is the second blog you start mocking, right behind the Napa Valley asshats. I won't be sad that you're mocking me, but I'll be sad that I was second to the Napa folks. I'll probably get so depressed that I go to the liquor store and lurk around all day bumming free shots off the sample shot chick.

Drunken Chud said...

my cousin is law and i have been told we're not allowed to be around children together. we had a 3 year old walking around calling everybody "filthy commies". but we had fun. and now he has a newborn daughter. so we have years to torment that poor thing.

Drunken Chud said...

cousin in law. not is.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I think you and your friend should "whack it" in Bill Shatner's turkey chili. Then take a photo of yourselves in the act and send it to the Napa numbnuts.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Seq: Lame, right? How self-important of these people. Ugh!

1) Why not?
2) Great idea! Let's make that happen.
3) Even I'm not that mean.
4) Don't worry about it. I spent a night in Relationship Abu Ghraib last night (I'm using that, so nobody go stealing it).

Log: The sperm is on the table. Literally. Also, Captain Kirk was kind of a pimp in his day, you have to admit.

Karla: Your blog is good, dude. I must confess that I felt honored to see you've commented. We've both been blogging for years, being awesome, but rarely sharing awesomeness with one another. Next sample grocery shot is on me.

Chud: That sounds about right. It's good fun f'ing with kids. Also, maybe the people he was calling comi's really were. May have just been calling 'um like he say 'um.

Mighty: That would solve everything. Well played!!

paperback reader said...

While I love me, and feel like the world could use more small versions of me in it, I fear the kid showing up at 16 after a fight with its moms, and needing a place to crash while the law is hot on its tail. And that would interrupt my pastime of hating children.

The Charming Hedonist said...

How awesome would the divorce blog be?! It would be he-said, she-said for everyone's entertainment. I like the way you think doc!

JerseySjov said...

kids are great fun when you can give them away when they smell bad or start giving you attitude. oh and when you can threaten them with 'i'm going to tell your mom!'
for some reason kids seem to react way more to the threat that their mom might find out about something than they do to being directly scolded by their mom.

and i feel bad for the friends of the wedding blog people as they must feel obligated to keep themselves updated for fear of insulting the bride [and groom?] when really nothing is less interesting than wedding plans. people just want to show up, watch some vows, and get trashed!

ReckenRoll said...

Was in a very public place yesterday, discussing my latest break up when my friend said (louder than preferred) "That's when you grab the turkey baster and your gay best friend"


But good to know that should I hit my 'scary age' and be childless that I can always hit you up for 1/2 of my future child's DNA.

Do you ship FedEx?

Radioactive Tori said...

I think it is sweet that you are going to be a donor for your friend.

I love the potion thing. Wait? Are you not supposed to do that to your own kids? I have 4 kids and my husband and I have done that kind of thing to all of them. Eventually we do tell them we are kidding, but not right away.

Jake Titus said...

Brilliant! A post about sick and demented ideas you didn't
post becomes a post of sick and demented ideas.

TSTuesday said...

1. When was this and are you actually going to do it?

2. I have never heard of this before. What marketing genius thought of this idea?

3. The captian must be gassy.

4. Picking on kids in a light hearted way is a ton of fun. I make fun of my soccer kids all the time.

5. Green Apple Quickes almost beats Bust a Grumpy.

Kritkrat said...

It's mean to tease us and then pretend to have enough morals not to post the name of the damn blog.

Zen Wizard said...

I would suspect that you are a better sperm donor candidate than, say, David Crosby...

I mean, who isn't?

Okay, maybe Forrest Gump, but other than that...

There was this Manswers episode on Spike TV where they had a special on that.

They interviewed a guy who did it all year to go see some college bowl game.

I guess you are talkin' "found money" there...and most of us waste it.

Well, worse than "waste"--it has ruined a silk stocking or two, I am sure. Well--if you spooge on one silk stocking, I would guess there goes the pair.

And you can't exactly give a Smurfette Sock Puppet to your favorite niece after you have violated it.

So it is good to get the revenue flowing the other way for a change, I am sure.

Or were you talking about donating to the lezbombs for free?

Well--that is a good way to procreate and never wear the steel bracelets for getting behind in child support now that you mention it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Pistol: Your kid sounds AWESOME! I would think you'd be proud of a kid like that.

Charm: It would be sweet, because everyone would take sides and comment. I'm so doing that next time I get divorced.

Jov: That's true. People just want to get trashed. They should only do a blog if the bar package changes.

Reck: The check's in the mail!

Radio: It is your comment that made me go back and change the wording, so people know I was making a promise to a woman who's not planning on having kids any time soon. Thanks!

Jake: Yes. Sneaky, right?

1. Not actually doing it. Well, I would if she wanted, but she's nowhere near it. Don't even know if she's in a committed relationship.
2. You don't have those in LA? I guess we're just big ol' drunks in Chicago.
3. I'll have to ask if he's ripping ass. I got an update via text today: Chinese Cashew Chicken
4. As long as it's light hearted, like you say, it is a damn blast.
5. Gross, right?

Donk: I couldn't find it if I wanted to. Actually, I suppose someone could do a google search: wedding + napa valley + dog + asshats

Zen: Always in depth comments, and that's why you're my homeboy. It sounds like you speak as a man with experience whacking it into Smurfette puppets. That's sick! How was is . . .

M360 said...

good sir your standards are a lot higher than mine. all of these would have made great blog posts on my blog if i'd thought of them. you're such a classy guy... hope to be like you when i grow up

So@24 said...

I dream for the day a girl screams in a fit of passion "turkey baste me, you bastard!"

TOPolk said...

You know, I can handle wedding themed blogs. They may be silly, but they have a point and they have a definite beginning, middle, and more times than not, an end (after the wedding the updating usually stops). I can live with those.

But Dr. Noisewater, if at any time you feel the need to rip on a "mommy blog," please feel free to do so. Actually, before you do, let me know. As 90% of them blow harder than a Cambodian hooker attached to a leaf blower I'm sure I could find a few things to add to the tirade.

josh williams said...

Speaking of sperm donation.I read somewhere ( The Watchtower?) that the filthiest most wretched vile piece of filth you can find in a hotel/motel is the remote control. So now think when you rent a room, some guy just spilled his seed while watching pay per view porn and then reached over for the remote...Show me one photo of a motel maid cleaning a remote...We have more of Osama than actual footage of a person sanitizing the remote control for TV in any star "tels" ...Nothing on youtube, nothing, your hands have been at one time or another prone to pregnancy if in fact a male could become pregnant through hand contact with dead sperm on a hotel remote.

classyandfancy said...

Believe you me there is nothing jolly about obligatory joy juice.

Mr. Shife said...

I like your last idea. We can start a blog bully club and just totally take over someone's retarded blog with completely ridiculous statements and facts. Sign me up. I think the folks behind Funny or Die did something similar. They took over the "Stakeout 2" message board on IMDB so let's do it soon before all the really cool kids are doing it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

360: You're free to use any of them, cause you're my homey!

24: It may happen. Maybe you just haven't met the right girl . . .

Polk: I leave it to you to rip into the mommy blog. Someone has to do it, but I'd think of my sister. Do it, and let me know, cause I'll laugh my ass off.

Williams: Hmmmmm. So if some gal REALLY wanted to get pregnant, she could go to Motel 6, throw on some Specravision, and insert the remote? Good to know . . .

Classy: Jolly Juice is more alliterative . ..

Shife: Blog Bullies! Hahhahahah. I'm ready. We'll give some blog nerds virtual swirlies.