Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Groomsmen or Boozemen?

In their tuxes, on the walk to the church for their good friend's wedding, a conversation somewhat like this went down . . .

Gancy: I'd like to not be a vision of drunken buffoonery at this wedding.
Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP): You mean like the one where you ended up doing your date in her car in the parking lot of the hotel, only to open the car door and barf naked.
Gancy: Yeah, something short of that. I thought at the time it was my civic duty as a groomsman to set a grueling pace for the other guests, like an out of control pace car of fun.
HLP: And now . . .
Gancy: Now I'm 31.
HLP: Yeah me too. Did I tell you that at the last wedding I stood up in I grabbed the microphone and sang what I later learned was a horrible rendition of That Loving Feeling by the Righteous Brothers, only the Top Gun version?
Gancy: "She lost it," huh?

HLP: Yes. "I hate it when she does that." What's worse is that it was supposed to be a sing-along, like in the movie, but I wouldn't relinquish the mic. I guarded it with my life. I even did the "Baby, baby, I get down on my knees for you-ou" like the Black guy. What was his name again?
Gancy: Sundown
HLP: Really? God, that's racist. Anyway, I'm with you. Let's go classy this time.
Gancy: Yes, like gentlemen. Just because it's open bar, doesn't mean it's open season for shots, double fisting, and doing the electric slide with our ties wrapped around our heads.
HLP: So, tonight we're gentlemen? Shake on it?
Gancy: Done

Shake hands they did, but only one of them held up his end of the bargain.

HLP was a class act, in comparison, but Gancer got blind drunk, jumped into the center of a dance circle, did a ripping air guitar version of the solo from Let's Go Crazy by Prince, and in the process, at just the right moment of his performance, much to any guest who saw its simultaneous disgust and amazement, with his picking hand, somehow shot the base of his wine glass across the room without cutting himself.

Okay, next wedding it's class all the way for this guy.

43 comments:

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

weddings NEED guys like you man. weddings NEED that drunken, dancing, air guitar playing, hitting on all the brides maids guys so that the attendees will focus less on the funeral of manhood they just witnessed and just focus on the drunk guy having all the fun. keep it up man and don't ever go classy!

Jake Titus said...

wow, mental360 nailed everything I was going to. Keep up the fine work bro. BTW air guitaring a prince song is fine.... Doing the same to AC/DC's "Back in Black" is bad form. That song should be banned at ALL weddings!

JerseySjov said...

i wish we were somehow related so that i'd get a chance to see you in action at my million cousins' weddings.
and i think you can be as insane as you want at a wedding so long as it's not your own. at least that's what i tell myself when i steal booze and centerpieces.

sequined said...

Is there video of this incident?

And I'd like to hear more about how you didn't hurt yourself in the wine glass incident.

Allison said...

What would a wedding be without the guy wearing the lampshade on his head? Why is this not acceptible for the ladies, I ask you? I once climbed into one of those popcorn machines on wheels at a bar and started grazing like a pony...until the whole thing collapsed and the red "heat lamp" smashed into bits over the back of my skull. That was 11 years ago, and I still haven't lived it down. Yeesh!

Casey said...

Last time I went to a wedding, I ended up bloodying my brother's nose and banging my girlfriend on a highway wide spot in Moab, Ut.

Unlike you, I kept it classy.

ETP said...

Oh God. I would have paid to see any of these instances. Keep it classy, Gancer.

Julie_Gong said...

I experienced my duty as a bridesmaid last September where I pretended to be the bartender, crawled under a table, did some break dancing to Michael Jackson, and drank approx 47 Jack Daniels and Ginger Ale's. I had that pace car itch as well. And I'm pretty sure I succeeded.

pistols at dawn said...

I'm sure HLP is thankful that you made him look good regardless of what he did. That's the kind of guy I need around.

Chardsy said...

I'm with mental360. If it weren't for guys like you weddings would suck.

At my best friend's wedding last year I lost one of my contacts so I was blind the entire time. I then proceeded to drink my weight in Vodka and hook up with a co-worker in a far in the middle of the mountains.

As you can see, Classy is my middle name.

Chardsy said...

That would be in a car not in a far. Sweet Jesus I need some coffee.

logorrheic. said...

what are weddings for if not to come back with stories like this.

at my best friends wedding last summer i may have ended up on top of a car making out with the groomsmen while people watched and lit their cigarettes around us.

next time i'll try and go classier too.

mysterygirl! said...

Wait, mid-bang you had to open the car door and vomit? And then you climbed back on? Just checking.

I agree with everyone who has supported your role at the wedding. Somebody's got to do it. I have two weddings this summer, and I have to be careful not to be that girl, particularly at the first one. On the bright side, everyone there should be so drunk that I will look calm and demure in comparison.

classyandfancy said...

I went so crazy style at my sis' wedding back in '89 that I busted through some paneling moshing to Anthrax.

Grad School Reject said...

My comment is reserved for your excellent Top Gun knowledge.

Sundown being a black guy isn't near as bad as the G.I. Joe cartoon from childhood. Remember that? The one black guy - Roadblock - had to rap/rhyme everything he said.

zen wizard said...

Well I was going to observe that there is a REASON that you have a "Heterosexual Life Partner," but then I read the other Comments.

There is a certain Dionysian element to the wedding ceremony that calls for, inter alia, air guitar solos and vomitting.

tnobes said...

Like always, you were enjoyed by all. Being at both weddings that HLP performed at, HLP was much better at this one. I think he only slapped my ass 10 times vs the 20 at the righteous brothers event.

Coconut said...

Hahahahaha, that's great. Wedding receptions would be boring and all little girls dancing with their daddies if not for guys like you.

Inchy said...

Think yourself lucky. Over here in Scotland the kilt is the usual formal wedding attire, and if you are a REAL man, should never be worn with underwear. This leads to it's own very special set of drink related shenanigans, most of which can lead to serious jail time.

You do NOT want your mother-in-law to see your cock.

Bill From Gainesville said...

You do not want your mother in law to see your cock? -
-
Thats outstanding advice right there.

Inchy said...

If you remember nothing else other than this particular mantra, then my work here is done.

Peace.

Ron, Apparently said...

Unless your mother-in-law is a hot piece with a taste for her daughter's man...Then she's welcome to take a gander and see what she thinks.

5 of 9er said...

Air guitars... really? Sad.

Inchy said...

Ron, neither of mine is particularly impressive, the mother-in-law or the cock.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

360: "Funeral of manhood?" I've finally met someone more cynical than me!

Jake: Totally! Dancing to that one is letting everyone in the room know that you are white trash.

Jersey: It's tough to get a centerpiece out of the room. Kudos.

Seq: No and I have no frickin' idea. I amazed myself.

Allison: Climbed inside the popcorn machine!? Awesome . . .

Casey: What did your brother do?

ETP: I will "stay classy."

Julie: A Jack girl, eh? That's a recipe for disaster and awesomeness.

Pistol: Question is, which one between you and I would be the pace car?

Chard: You hooked up, as I recall, because you were winking at everyone, due to the contact. How's the job search?

Log: WOW! That sounds epic. As long as they weren't putting their cigs out on you.

Myst: No, I finished up, then stepped out stark naked for a good yack. It was awesome. That gal was so understanding. Well, it was her idea. I was content watching Weird Science with all the people we were sharing the room with, but SHE wanted to go into her car and bang, shaking up all the booze and grade D chicken in my tummy. The yarfing was a foregone conclusion given the circumstances.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Classy: Anthrax was playing at a wedding? What song? Caught in a Mosh? I've seen you dance. I think you could have blasted through crown molding.

GSR: Blaster on Transformers also rhymed everything. Did Jazz rhyme too, or was he just a brotha' with a boomin' system?

Zenzy: Knew you'd see it my way.

Nobes: Hahahhahhaha. He does like a good ass slap when he's lit. Funny stuff.

Nut: You're right! I just need to strike that balance . . .

Inchy: That holds especially true when you go by Inchy. Well, I guess if you were Footsy it would scare the mother-in-law.

Gainsy: Yes. We all learned a little something today, I feel.

Ron: You're an equal opportunity kind of guy, and I dig you for that. Don't go changin' just to please me.

Niner: You haven't seen me air guitar though. I'll rock some at Cody's for you next time.

Inchy: Hahahahhaha!

radioactive girl said...

At my own wedding, my husband and I did our first dance thing and then the minute the bar opened again, we raced over to be the first ones in line. Classy, right?

I also (barely) remember an outdoor wedding we were at where my husband and all his friends were so drunk that in the middle of the wedding one guy fell out of his chair, the wedding stopped for a second while everyone checked on him and then carried on when everyone was sure he was fine. Luckily it was sort of a laid back thing and no one freaked out about it too much. At least you have never been that guy, right? I mean a wedding never got stopped to check on you, right?

thisdayandage said...

air guitaring is respectable, especially if it is prince. I've always questioned whether or not I wanna get married, but it's this story that makes me think a reception could actually be fun.

The Charming Hedonist said...

That's our Gancey, the epitome of class! Really though, weddings do need guys like you -- after all, nobody gives a shit that two people are committing themselves, it's really all about the party.

Casey said...

He married my woman. Let that serve as warning.

Steph said...

Hahaha! It's a wedding! It's your duty to disgrace yourself.

The Charming Hedonist said...

P.S. -- Besides, the last wedding I was at, I had a flask strapped to my thigh...

Sassy Blondie said...

I didn't see anything wrong with your behavior at the wedding. Really.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Radio: Who won the race to the bar? I'm going with you, given all your marathons and stuff.

Thisday: True. Marriage scares the shit out of me, but the reception is so damn fun!

Charm: I "commit" to the party, if nothing else.

Casey: Wow. Did you play some Motorhead when you knocked him out?

Steph: I have not yet begun to disgrace myself. I think Kennedy said that. Ted Kennedy.

Charm: A strap-on flask. Decadent!

Sassy: Well, this is coming from a woman who sang like 10 numbers with the band at a wedding, right? I'll have to teach you the wine glass trick for your next performance.

Casey said...

He wasn't out cold. I was thinking of dropping The Hammer, the I decided to keep it Fast And Loose. While he was on the floor he told, "If you walk away, I will Shoot You In The Back!"

Since I didn't want to Bite The Bullet, I grabbed Jailbait, and we ran like hell.

Mr. Shife said...

As Ron Burgundy might say, "Stay classy, Dr. Kenneth."
I do think it is like being professional athlete, if you still have the desire and your body can handle the damage then go for it.

classyandfancy said...

I've heard that no wedding is complete without "Caught in a Mosh". It's kind of like "We are Family" for those with mullets.

Sabina said...

I need to attend more weddings, clearly. Open bars are always too tempting to resist!
And Allison, for the record, that story makes you my new hero.

Grad School Reject said...

Come on Casey. Can't you even work in "Ace of Spades"?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Casey: That sounds like one for the ages.

Shife: Good analogy . . .

Classy: That was a good one. Anything off Among the Living really gets the party started.

Sabina: I think she's everyone's hero for that little tale.

GSR: That was SO his getaway music . . .

Drunken Chud said...

*starts slow clap*

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

*joins in on slow clap*

ReckenRoll said...

I am totally inviting you and Classy to my wedding...in fact, I may get married just so I can witness the carnage.