Wednesday, July 13, 2016

You Asked and Ken Answered!

A little while back I asked you, my beloved readers, to ask me some personal questions so that you can get to know your favorite blogger a little better. I was blown away by all the responses filling up my inbox. It looks like you really want to know more about what makes me tick, and that is very flattering. I chose some of the most interesting ones and put some serious thought into my responses. I hope you enjoy . . .

Okay, I'm full of shit. I never actually asked that you guys ask any questions because there are only like 7 of you that read, tops. Truth be told, I just scrolled around the internet for interesting questions to ask myself because I had no blog topic ideas today. So, now I do have a topic, but it's kind of a crummy one. Whatever, we will make the best of it here at The Gancer. Away we go . . .

1. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive?

I usually read, but when I'm in between books or need a break from reading I play the name game in my head. For example, I'll pick a topic such as "heavy metal bands," and then I'll name a band for every letter of the alphabet. Usually by the time I get to N or so, I'm out cold. My dad also told me that when you are having trouble sleeping, get up to go pee even if you don't have to. That works sometimes too. Thanks for the pee pee trick, dad! You're the best. Also, it sometimes helps when I try to sync my breathing up to someone else's. Now that my wife is pregnant she is snoring like a snow blower (sorry to announce that to all seven of my readers, honey. You're still beautiful!) so it's really easy to get the timing of her breathing down given the volume of the snoring. Pretty soon we're both sound asleep, only she is far louder than me (Sorry again, darling. You're still the sex pot of my dreams).

2. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?

That would have to go to my good buddy, Night Train. I went to a concert with him the other night, and we were partying in the parking lot with three random middle aged weirdos who were a little rough around the edges. When we walked by they said, "Hey, come hang out with us!" Odd that they wanted new friends so badly, right? We had written on our white styrofoam cooler full of beer that we were selling one concert ticket for face value that came with a free adult beverage. One of our new friends who invited us to hang out took it upon herself to help sell one of the tickets. She seemed to have trouble getting through any sentence without saying "motherfucker," and she didn't make exceptions even when it came to her sales approach. I for one wouldn't want to imply that someone had intercourse with their own mother as part of a first impression, but she had a style all her own. Someone would come around the corner and she would say, "Hey, motherfucker! We got a ticket here for sale, motherfucker!"*

*You see, MF'er appears in both sentences She never missed a chance.

(In case you don't know what a styrofoam cooler looks like)
We were all a little embarrassed by our new friend and were doubting the fact that she could help sell the spare ticket. As a matter of fact, we were convinced she was scaring the shit out of any "motherfuckers" who came near us. Nigh Train never doubted her for a minute, and he even offered her a $20 commission on any leads she brought in that led to a sale. Sure enough, she found someone who paid full price. After the transaction was complete and Night Train paid crazy lady her commission, he noticed that the customer had paid $20 too much. So, he ran after him to give him the money. Then it dawned on him that he forgot to get his free beer, so he ran him down to give him that as well. Night Train is just a solid dude, and that is all there is to it.

3. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new?

      3. Not selfish. The person cares about others, and the person actually listens to what others say - doesn't just wait for his/her turn to talk.

     2. An interesting conversationalist. If we've been conversing for the first time and over 5 minutes have elapsed without us extending things beyond the weather, what we do for jobs, where we live, and how many kids we have, then it's just not going to work out for us as new friends.

     1. Funny. It really helps if you're funny. Even if you're not actually saying funny stuff, it helps if you laugh at the super funny stuff that I'm saying to you.
How about you, Seven Readers? Do you want to answer any of these questions or just comment upon my wildly (mildly) entertaining responses?

Each of these men is either selfless (Andre), a good conversationalist (Wilt), and funny (Arnold). Wilt would have to be a decent conversationalist to bed 10,000 women, or whatever.


Gorilla Bananas said...

"Mother fucker" is a popular term in India too, although they say it in Hindi ("mahdur choot"). Even more popular is "Sister fucker", which is never used in the English speaking world. I have a nasty suspicion that a lot of English-speaking men do actually want to fuck their sisters, so they'd be too embarrassed to call anyone a "sister fucker".

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: How do you know your Hindi? You are truly a worldly motherfucker. I always do appreciate you coming by to drop knowledge.

Exile on Pain Street said...

Beloved? Really?

Don't suffer insomnia. There are some very effective, non-addictive, over-the-counter sleeping agents. Taste like crap.

You wife will now snore for the rest of her life. Take my word for it.

What concert? And what are you doing at a concert with your bride so pregnant. Well done!

Here's a question for you. One for the ages:

How can you mend a broken heart? How can you stop the rain falling down? How can you stop the sun from shining? What makes the world go 'round?

Actually, that's four questions.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Exile: Yes, beloved. No good?

I don't have insomnia too bad. I usually pass out when I employ the techniques I mentioned.

So even when not pregnant, once she's knocked up once, she's a snorer for life?

It was Guns N' Roses, and she didn't go with. That was no place for a pregnant woman. Stuff got out of hand in a hurry, and she falls asleep at 10PM during the pregnancy. Axl never goes onstage before 10.

I actually had to look up the song quote, and I'm a little embarrassed I didn't recognize the reverend Al Green in print. Well if I am going to go ahead and actually answer how to mend a broken heart, it would be as follows:

1. Work out a lot. This will make you more confident and productive. Which brings me to two . . .
2. Stay busy. Plan a bunch of things to keep yourself from brooding around the apartment.
3. Try something new. Reinvent yourself. Get out of your comfort zone.
4. Meet new people of the opposite sex. Do lots of healthy (non creepy) flirting.
5. Be alone and figure yourself out, but know when it's becoming unhealthy and then get around friends.
6. Enjoy new dating situations, but don't rush into anything.

Okay, that's all I got.

Jimmy Fungus said...

I wonder why the getting up to pee when you don't have to trick works. A lot of times I will get up to pee and then not be able to get back to sleep.. apparently it works in reverse too... how brilliant.

Mr. Shife said...

Always entertaining, Dr. Ken. And I still owe you an email. Hope all is well with you and Mrs. Noisewater. Wilt and Andre make Arnold look like a little dude. I have never seen that photo before. Take care buddy.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jimmy: Noisewater Sr. is a smart dude. He was a college professor and knows many pee pee tricks.

Shife: I'll be looking for that email, but no hurry at all. Don't Wilt, Arnold, and Andre look like the best of friends? I bet you nobody picked a fight with them, though.

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