Friday, September 16, 2016

I know it's been a while since I posted, but Mrs. Noisewater and I had a baby boy on September 8th. Erik is his name, and he is one hell of a cute son of a gun. The day he was born was an unbelievable day, and it's a tale I'd love to tell all of you. However, it's a long story that I don't have enough time blocked out for right now to relay to my beloved blog buddies at this moment. This little guy has been keeping us so busy that I saw this block of a couple of hours at midnight as my only chance to bang out a blog. Since it would have to be a short one, I figured I'd go for a laugh and tell you some funny stuff that's happened so far.

Let's just come right out and say it: Circumcision is a dated and crazy practice. The lady who performed the mutilation of my son's penis came by first to tell us that any benefits to the surgery (cleanliness or risk of STD's) are such a small percentage in either case that it's hardly even worth doing. I decided to go through with it for very stupid reasons such as: That's how mine is, I've heard women say that they have been freaked out when they have seen on the other way, and some of the ones I have seen look like those worms in "Dune."

Here's another thing, a nurse said that the tip-snipper lady would first have to come by to assess if my boy's ding-dong was big enough to do the surgery. This was one of the first times I found myself stepping in to stand up for my son. "Hey, it's plenty big enough," I said in his defense. "You just tell her to grab her best scalpel and come down here to surgically remove this young man's turtleneck!"

Hope no one is offended by my assessment because it's only an opinion. Plus I'm an idiot.
For those of you who don't know, seeing your son's freshly circumcised penis for the first time will scare the living daylights out of you. It's bright fire engine, red like when a dog has an erection and shows everyone his red rocket. There is some upkeep involved too. Every time you change his diaper for a week (which is many, many times int the first week), you have to put some ointment on a gauze pad and stick it to his sore ding-a-ling. If you don't, the poor little guy's sore penis will stick to the diaper. Ouch! I was telling a friend that it's a lot of pressure because I didn't want to screw up my boy's dick. That's a big deal. "That's a huge deal," my friend said emphatically in agreement.

No transition here other than funny baby genital stories, but I was assisting with weighing Erik at the doctor's office the other day. For some reason they plopped him down on a cold metal scale. He doesn't like being on his back much to begin with, but this ice cold hard surface upset him even more. He instantly screamed, and he put up such a fight that he didn't sit still even for even a split second to get an accurate reading. He then let loose with the only play he had. Erik sprayed a stream of pee in the upwards of three majestic feet that sprayed all over a nearby leather chair. I heard a loud splat as it  hit the back of the chair. He had some power behind this shot. I was cleaning it up as fast as I could and apologizing, but what I was really thinking was, "That's my boy!"

When the doctor came by to ask us some questions, one of them was if he is peeing enough. I said to her, "Did you see him out there by the scale? He damn near took the upholstery off one of your chairs with his power washing. He's plenty well hydrated. As a matter of fact, you should have a plaque in your waiting room commemorating that performance for longest distance in his age division. Next question." Just kidding. I didn't say of this, but I will say I was beaming with pride for the rest of the appointment. It won't be long before he is ready to pee in the trough at Wrigley Field. This is a very daunting task for any young man, but I think by 4 years of age he will be able to take a step back, put some arc on it, and deliver a perfect stream with laser point precision and not a drop hitting the floor.

I told you it's scary to saddle up there for a pee as a kid. This youngster is apparently intent on waiting for everyone else to leave before giving it a go.
Okay, I know these were baby genital stories and it's a little strange. But I do plan on delivering the heart-warming and more earnest tale of when Erik Noisewater first came into the world and changed my life forever. For now I just had time for these quick goofy stories while he is sleeping, but isn't this post more fitting for what this blog has been all about over the years? Thanks for reading, friends.


E. Rosewater said...

welcome to the world of 24/7. erik sounds like an excellent name for a young warrior.

Exile on Pain Street said...

Congratulations. Eric is a good, strong, Nordic name. He will wear it well. You did the right thing. Foreskins are repulsive.

You spell it "Eric" in the first instance and "Erik" in the second. Which is it?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Congratulations, Dr Ken! Is your boy's name 'Eric' or 'Erik'. The latter reminds me of 'Erik the Viking', which is pretty cool. He could be the first circumcised Viking!

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Erik: He is indeed a warrior. He battles against the night, staying up into the wee hours and exhausting his parents for days. He slays the night! Nightly!

Exile: Thanks. It's Erik with a K. He's sort of named after a friend who spells it with a C, so that throws me off sometimes.

Gorilla: It's with a K like a Viking. I have Swedish and Norwegian heritage so we dug that spelling. A Viking costume could be a cute first Halloween outfit!!!

Kono said...

Congrats good sir and welcome to the world of constant worry, you think you won't but you sure fucking will!!! believe me, i never worried about shit until Boyo 1 was born and now i'm a damn wreck half the time, luckily i do a good job of hiding it... and as the proud old man of two boyos i'll tell you this, get used to getting pissed on when changing those diapers, get real used to it, a change in air temperature can set off Old Faithful, there's even a cottage industry that designs pee-pee teepees, and finally i hope you enjoyed Sept. 7, 2016 as it was the last good night sleep you'll ever get... congrats again.

The Grand Wave said...

Awesome to hear you brought another Noisewater into the world. Super Congrats! Hope you can find some time to get some sleep in the coming days.

Jimmy Fungus said...

I don't know if I will ever be brave enough to be a father making big decision like whether or not to get penises circumcised.

Mr. Shife said...

Circumcision stories. Love it. Isn't it crazy how your world changes when you have a little dude? I still remember a friend of ours telling us that they did a good job on Kyle's circumcision. I guess some little dudes look like they got their turtleneck from TJ Maxx instead of Macy's. So have you been pissed on yet? I think Kyle got me about 3 times before we got it figured out. Welcome to the world, Erik Noisewater. What a different world you will live in if the Cubs actually win a World Series in your first year on planet Earth. Take care, Dr. Ken.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Kono: I've been hit with the lemonade snake many a time so far. Pain in the ass when you just put a new outfit on the little fella. Changing baby clothes is kind of a pisser, so to speak.

Grand: I think I'm getting used to not sleeping much. But poor Mrs. Noisewater . . . .

Jimmy: Penis decisions are tough. I made a lot of REALLY bad penis choices for myself, so I have to do a better job for my son's wiener choices.

Shifey: Cards not in the playoffs! That is so rare. They're like the Patriots of our division - in it every year easily. I was scared as hell going into parenting, but now I'm just HAPPY as hell. Tired, yes, but so, so happy. He's the shit.

Cocaine Princess said...

Aww congratulations & I love how u spelt it with a 'k'

The best of luck to you & mommy!! Hope she's getting a lot of rest!

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Coke: Thanks. With a K is the Nordic way. The Viking way.